Published July 22, 2011
Snow drifted down in front of my eyes. Flakes landed in my hair looking as though it was dandruff. Central Park was deserted unlike usual. I knew Christmas would be hard considering I was away from my parents for the first time. I had been excited for my spot at Julliard. Little did I know at the time my roommate would be so uptight and depressed. My blue Eskimo jacket was no match for the cold seeping through my skin. I needed warmth. New York City was bound to have a coffee shop near the park. I spotted a cozy looking Starbucks. I got my favorite, white chocolate mocha. Immediately I felt soothed.
I wanted to go back to my dorm, but to me that was now a forbidden place; instead, I went to a practice room on campus. As soon as I touched the gorgeous grand piano, my heartbeat quickened. Fingertips lightly caressed the keys as I began to play. It was like a flood gate opened. Sadness crushed my heart. I poured out the horrible feels from the suicide of my newest friend, my roommate, Emilia.
A long brown curl fell from its resting place atop my head. Someone-else's hand brushed it behind my ear. A strong tenor voice joined my expert playing. His voice was like that of an angel touching my eardrums. I turned to see Bentley. Bentley, tall and lean, hovered behind me. His muscular arms moved with the flow of the music as he bellowed the song he had wrote for me. "Sapphir's Song" is what he called it. I fell into his awaiting arms and cried like a little girl. Mascara ruined and eyeshadow smudged eyes looked into his electric blue ones as he said, "It's going to be okay, I promise."
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140,513 Literary Works • 673,277 Reviews
It feels rushed because I was rushed I had to write this in twenty minutes for English class.
The story is moving, but it seems kind of rushed to me. Maybe add more details or something, to help transition from place to place. The best tittle I can come up with it "Sound it Out" not sure if it's any good or not. I hope this helps!
Hi jujubean! I like the feel of this story, but will there be more? I'd like to see more, and I'd like to know more about this roommate. Your plot is original and I have a feeling you could make this into something really fantastic.
Every sentence here follows the same general form of subject before predicate. This can be useful, but definitely something not to use all the time. If you'd like to know more about subjects and predicates, read this: http://www.writingcentre.uottawa.ca/hypergrammar/subjpred.html.
For some reason, I didn't feel the succession of time in these last few sentences. Maybe you could give some quirky details about your trip to Starbucks to really show the amount of time you took to get there.
I might rephrase these sentences as such:
Now for some things I liked.
I really love how you use music as a way to relieve yourself of stress. It's something a lot of us do, and you touch upon it perfectly.
After I read the part about your roommate's suicide, I realized why your dorm is a forbidden place. Again, you touched upon a sensation many of us experience after the death of a loved one.
I love your ending. It's sweet and yet there's something ominous about it. I'd really love to see more of this poignant story, but I'd need to know more about the plot in order to come up with a title for it. Excellent job and keep writing!
-Abigail
The story was really good, I'm sorry I can't help you with a title, I'm not very good with that kind of stuff, sorry. But the story was good, you could really turn this into something amazing, it has a wonderful start. And another plus is no grammar errors and misspellings, sometimes I read short stories and they have some grammar issues but a lot of the time it's fine, like your story. Anyways, I think you could turn this into a very nice novel or something, but I can't really help with the title. I'm sorry. But the plot is very interesting. And keep writing because that's what I say at the end of every review....