Apologies; I'm removing this as I'm submitting it to a competition. Thank you for all the feedback.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Description:
the first part of the story impress me with its description particularly the first paragraph where the description made a good imagery of the setting as well with the mood. However despite this, the setting seem to be broad. I know that is in the supermarket but the description of the setting is a little unspecific. Try describing maybe the parking lot so that the reader can know that the setting is in some urban place for if it only a street lamp being describe, it could be anywhere with a street lamp.
Second, the character's description, good job with that. I like that specially with the old woman. You haddescibed her well as well as the security guard and the young owman at the cash register. Not only that, there are some showing than telling in this work.
Though i was confuse when you mentioned names such as Bruce and Angelo and Linda?
Are they friends of the woamn or the guy by the asile. It could also good if the part where the name, "Angelo" mentioned is placed on a seperate paragraph instead of placing it on a single body of paragraph for the eyes could get lost.
If it is in a seperate paragraph, it could add a new character, a new idea or event unless if this is by purpose.
Anotehr thing in this work, is the dialogue. I really like the way the dialogue created the personality of the charater other than their body language and style of clothing.
ABove all, it a fairly good piece of work.
PS
due to time pressure, this review is not yet done.
Thanks for the kind feedback; much appreciated. Feel free to be far more critical - the more it gets shredded, the better I can make it.
Hullo there, jsmith!
This is amazingly good. Really, I am completely enamoured with it. I think you start off a little bit slowly, although it fits in beautifully with the old woman. This slow start made me not want to read it, to be honest. I think you can disperse that description a little more throughout the text - this you've also done well. Little bits about her eyes being watery and her voice. I think about the wrinkles you can use her hands rather than her face, to break up that slow chunk of description at the start.
I would also suggest you do something with the last line? I'm not sure it feels like it actually ended. It kind of feels like there ought to be more. This is either brilliant considering the story itself, or it's very frustrating and you ought to fix it. I'm not really sure which it is, to be honest.
All in all, I think it does wonderfully, I enjoyed reading it very much. If you make any changes at all, hit me up with a pm. I'd love to read it.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
This was really good! It felt a little sad and nostalgic.
I like the POV here-- how you jumped into the person's head right before the old woman spoke to them. I tried doing this 3rd person omniscient head-hopping; and it looked sad and confuddled. So why did yours work so darn well?!
Is this a short story or part of something larger? Because It feels finished.
I love all the little details-- they paint a wonderful picture of the night guard, Angelo, the girl at the cash register and the sad, reminiscent old woman.
Great use of description, as well.
All in all, it was wonderful.