Published May 13, 2010
Ok, so here's my attempt at revision. I took into account all the comments from everyone on here and some from outside YWS, so those are all included in here. Hopefully this is a little more flushed out, but just FYI this is for a creative writing assignment that's supposed to be less than 500 words, and I'm getting really close! Let me know what you think.
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Wind and snow blew across the almost empty streets of a slumbering New York City. Mikey crammed his fingers under his armpits as he sat against the cold bricks of the building behind him; his parents huddled a few feet away. They still had not forgiven him. But why should they? He had not even forgiven himself. He had let everyone down. He deserved to suffer.
Besides the noise of the cars on the street, it was quiet. Mikey hated the quiet. It reminded him of his loss.
“Not as cold tonight.”
They just ignored him, though he knew they heard him speak. To them, he had remained a silent figure they had to put up with. It hadn’t always been that way. Mikey sometimes smiled at those memories.
Standing on the street corner, his father strumming out the melody on his guitar. Wishing that his dad’s gigs at local bars and shows had kept them out of this situation, and then Mikey wouldn’t have to do this. Heart racing as he stared at the people passing by, almost afraid to let them hear him. But he has to make them hear him! Opening his mouth, he starts to feel it swelling inside of him. Suddenly, he is no longer scared. He wants it to come out, yearns for it, needs it like the food that rarely fills his stomach. The sweet words coming out of his mouth grab the music from the guitar and stick, wrapping around them like a thread, weaving a quilt that he throws around himself.
People stop. Tears fill their eyes, they are warmed down deep by the beautiful quilt. But Mikey doesn’t notice, he’s no longer there. His parents do. Going from person to person, they barely even feel the wonderful quilt. They may have… once. They desire a different blanket now. A more valuable one…
Then one chilly morning, waking up to find everything he cared about: gone. That brutal assassin, cold, slowly murdering his voice as he slept on the streets each night. No sound coming from his lips, no matter how much he wished it so. Looking into the eyes of his parents, seeing something die. He was killing it. He was killing hope.
Mikey shivered. The stars twinkled. The wind whistled. His voice had come back but it wasn’t the same, it had emerged with holes ripped in it, no longer as warm as it had been so long ago. A tear rolled down his cheek. No longer special, no longer whole. Now that he was broken, no one believed that he had anything worth listening to. His voice no longer instilled greedy hope in his parents, so what good did it do?
Mikey sighed. The silence was deafening.
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141,687 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
Hey. I'm Turquoise! I thought I'd review your piece today.
Like the previous reviewer I think you need to flush out this story a bit more. Particularly Mikey's relationship with his parents, throughout the piece you see that Mikey has a built of resentment for them, but it is never really explained as to why.
The other issue is pacing. Like the previous reviewer said, this all moves very very fast. If you added some more detail, like some of the ones suggested above, it would really help slow it down and create more of an "atmosphere" of sorts for the reader. Switching gears, I, too, had problems deciphering what was in the past and what was in the present, I would make that more clear.
So, first let me say that I absolutely love the quilt analogy, it really ties the whole piece together, and it isn't a cliche or been overdone. It just fits.
So on to the improvement points:
Also, I think you need to let the reader know a little bit more about why Mikey and his parents are out on the street, even a small reference to past circumstances, I think would be sufficient.
Overall, very interesting premise, I would just try to add more depth.
Hope that helped. Keep Writing!
Oh, also another point. I think you should make a decision as to whether you're going to concentrate on his family seeing him as invisible, or the fact he doesn't want to/can't speak. I think if you choose one of those routes it will really help with making the piece clearer. I suggest perhaps changing the piece to 'Silence' and removing a lot of the insibility references to his family ignoring him and, therefore, making him silent. Of course, I don't want to ruin in your piece if you want to keep it as 'Invisibility'. If you do that, I would suggest changing a lot of the parts where you talk about him not wanting to speak, or relating the fact that he is silent as to how that makes him invisible. Linking it a bit more will help the clarity of the piece and make it more readable
This is a great first paragraph, it really introduces the character's emotions about his situation, as well as encouraging the reader to question and want to read more. Just one thing, the word 'jabbed' doesn't sound right to me. The word jabbed implies pain to me, maybe the word 'crammed' would be better?
I don't think the ellipses really work here, it'd be better, 'Mikey hated the quiet. It reminded him of his loss.'
Remove 'just'. Also, maybe add 'to them' after invisible? Otherwise it might seem like he actually was invisible! Or write it this way, 'to them, he was invisible.'
I'd change this sentence a bit so the emphasis is on the word 'gone' to make it more powerful: 'one clear, chilly morning and everything he cared about: gone.' Also, I'm confused that you started off saying 'one night' and then switched to 'one clear, chilly morning'.
Overall, this was a good piece where you really get inside the character's head and make them sympathise with him, as well as encouraging them to question and read on. However, I think it all gets a bit muddled later on. I couldn't comprehend where you were talking about the past and where you were talking about the present. Specifically when you were writing about his voice, one day being gone and then returning. It's all over a bit fast. Take some more time with it and try to read it from a reader's perspective, remembering that they have no idea why the character and his family are on the street. If you re-read it you may see what I mean and if you just work on giving a bit more explanation at parts and making it clearer then this has the potential to be a great piece! Good work!