He is as the cluster of camphire
as the rows of jewels,
as a chain of gold,
He is her beloved
She is as the fountain of gardens
as a well of living water,
as an orchard of pomegranates,
She is his love.
He is as fine as gold
as sweet as flowers,
as excellent as cedars,
He is her beloved.
She is as a flourished vine,
as fair as the moon
as clear as the sun,
She is his love.
It is as strong as death,
as perfect as itself,
as a seal to their hearts,
It is their love.
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Canary word: Present
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This is a "cute" sort of poem. Reminds me of the Hades and Persephone story in Greek mythology with dark and light clashing; "he is... the cluster of camphire" and "she is...the fountain of gardens". Nice sort of contrast. I don't feel any emotion or really any message you are trying to convey. It just seems like any sort of love story. I would want this to be more unique to you. It is very nice, though!
Hey there.
There's a couple of things going on with the structure. I think a bit of the fault with your formatting came to the publishing center messing with the spacing, so always make sure to preview those before posting. It did give me a rather odd edge to the poem starting out and this comes back to my explanation about presentation, which I would have already had to deal with individually in structure. There's this very fine line between plain and creative formatting for lines/stanzas because that does more work for the piece than most people think about. Because you're keeping everything very uniform here and relying on a big relation to the title, I'm hoping the content will live up to the challenge.
I have a lot of doubts about that though because of the repetition that you seem to be a big fan of, purposely and probably just by grace of the topic. I see repetition in pieces a lot where they'll repeat one phrase for emphasis, but are then essentially repeating the feel of the stanza before it. Slight changes in wording isn't really doing enough to help this poem move along past the rut I think it's in.
And that's a lot because of the topic, which I was judging from the second I stepped through those doors. Any poem that starts the title with "love" and/or "you", it's almost assured that I'm not going to be a fan of it. I have tastes and I know what's a good poem and what's a bad poem. This is falling somewhere in between and even though I can clearly see how you put your heart into it, it's falling more towards the bad side.
Focus on one idea.
Find different imagery.
Lose the repetition.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
This is very... clean cut. if that makes sense. I can feel you seem to be trying to put emotion in it, but it siimply isn't there, for me at least.
Although, I liked the ending, the ending had the most emotion to it. And maybe you wern't trying to put emotion in it, but considering it's in lyric poetry, I supposed you were.It is, however very desciptive and is beautiful in that way. I think everyone is searching for the kind of love you're talking about here.
Wow this is very good. As Im not very good at poems I am unable to give you any critz. Though it is really good! Go you!