Published June 16, 2005
A CORRUPT LAND
In the midst of corruption,
Where there seems to be no perfection,
Where the rich rule the poor,
And the hungry feed on oppression.
What shall they all gain?
In greed, in selfishness and in threat,
But all shall be in vain,
And the earth shall rust their feet.
Where the poor is sober,
Looking for a place to shower,
The great and mighty,
Shall all be in power.
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140,568 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
Not bad. Definitely work on the structure. I thought the last stanza's content was good, apart from that it seemed like I'd read it before. So, a little more originality, keep the great concept and work on the structure. Nice work though.
First stanza is awesome, but I agree the rest needs a serious rewrite
I agree with Firestarter. You need to work on the structure. And the line, "Looking for a place to shower," is a bit too rough for this poem.
Otherwise, it's really good.
Angel xx
Not bad for a rhyming poem, however there was no structured rhyme to is and some of the stanzas lost it completely. However, it was still a god effort - I like your ideas, but personally I think it would be more true in a free verse form.
The first stanza was excellent, though. It really pulled me in...the rest, though, seemed to almost disappoint gafter that. Especiall the last satnza, I think that needs a rewrite - the second line is just, bad. Forced and not needed.
But yeh, good work.