Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
I would never do it, I would never leave my babies. I would never leave my family, so why is it so hard for me to put down the gun?
Why did I even pick it up? My head was screaming and I couldn’t even think without bright colors and lights flashing through my head and colliding.
Everything hurt, I couldn’t get away from the pain. My body was exhausted and overexerted, but there was nothing I could do.
Sleep wouldn’t come. My mind wouldn’t slow down. I tried to breathe but my chest hurt and I couldn't take a full breath.
He laid beside me breathing deep, totally unaware that I was suffocating here beside him. I could wake him up, but what would that help, I knew I couldn’t speak even if I did jolt him awake.
I couldn't focus on one thought, instead 100 things raced through my mind faster than I had time to process.
I felt like I was literally losing my mind. Nothing made sense. I tried to think in a simple “one foot in front of the other '' way. I couldn’t even capture a thought long enough though to try and do that.
I remember thinking to myself, I need to move the gun, I can’t leave it next to me. I cant sleep if it is there, so close…
The room was quiet, but the silence was deafening. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe. I had to find peace.
I sat up and grabbed the gun, I needed to put it in the closet, that would be a safe place. But as soon as my fingers touched it I couldn’t let go.
“Just put it in the closet” my mind screamed, I couldn't think.
I couldn't think. Why couldn't I think. I couldn't sleep? If I could just sleep I could get past this, but with my hands on the gun I knew I couldn't put it back now.
I used to sleepwalk, what if the turmoil that was eating away my soul finally won, when I wasn't even awake and knowing what I was doing? What if I did something, what if I made a horrible mistake while I was sleeping?
I couldn't risk it. I couldn't leave, not now, not with my babies here, my family. I couldn't do that to them.
I stared into the blackness, nothing would stop me. He was asleep, peaceful, completely unaware that I was fighting a demon.
My heart felt empty, I tried to think of all the things that were good, the things that kept me going each day. But I just felt numb.
My head felt like it was going to explode, was this it? Was this what insane felt like? I couldn't stop my thoughts from racing. Couldn't slow anything down. Couldn't focus, it felt like a skipping track.
It. Wouldn't. Fucking. Stop.
I fought, I fought to just feel ok, to just put the gun down, maybe I couldn just put it on the dresser, just get up. Just. Do. It.
Why was this so hard, why did I feel out of control, everything was spinning, Breathe, Just breathe.
Finally I was able to stand, I still didn’t feel in control, it felt like someone else was in control of my body, but I emptied the clip onto the dresser, my feet moved to the closet and I tucked the gun next to my clothes.
Surely I was safe, safe from myself. I tried to reason that even if I got up in the night I couldn't possibly get the gun from the closet, reload the clip and cock it without waking him up, or waking myself.
Maybe I could sleep, maybe I was safe, my heart was racing, my breathing was uncontrollable.
But I was safe, at least for now, at least safer than I was before.
I couldn't calm my thoughts but I tried to focus on the fact that I was ok, I would be ok.
In the moment I couldn't even think about the fact that this wouldn't last forever, it had to pass.
No, in the moment it felt like this would never end, I fought to stop the racing thoughts, and just breathe, but it felt like there was no hope, I was pounding against a concrete walls of my mind but I was trapped.
I sank onto the bed, feeling weak and empty. My entire body was shaking. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to picture something, anything other than the flashing lights and colors colliding from every side.
I couldn't get away from it, I couldn't stop it, how was I even supposed to try?!
I slowly laid down, everything in me ached, but this would be safe, I could trust nothing would happen if i stayed right here.
I was just trying to breathe when strong arms wrapped around me and pulled me close. He didn't know, he didn't say anything, but it brought a sense of strength and peace to me.
I pressed against him, leaning on him in so many ways. Things would be ok I realized, my thoughts slowed over the next hour, it felt like an eternity, but each breath we took together got me closer.
The darkness closed in on me, but as my breathing fell in time with his I knew I would be safe. This would end, and I would make it to tomorrow.
Slowly sleep came, I was able to take a deep breath and then everything was black.
The next morning I felt exhausted, every ounce of energy and will was drained from me.
I couldn't stop the tears, they came all day, just when I thought I had cried them all more of them welled up and fell.
I felt guilty, I felt ashamed, I felt like I would never be able to get away from this black hole that was swallowing me.
Why couldn't I control this? Why couldn't I control my thoughts, my very own mind was racing away without me and I was being drug like a captive behind.
Everything was dark, everything hurt, I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep.
Instead of trying to fight the racing thoughts and control my breathing I just submitted, all day I knew I couldn't focus, I knew I couldn't breathe deeply, but I just tried to get through it.
I couldn't stop it, why try and fight it? I didn't have the energy for that.
Tears and more tears, I tried to talk, to explain it, to give him some shred of hope that at least I knew what was going on, but I couldn't find the words, I couldn't think, I couldn't even understand it myself.
I realized I was afraid of myself, I wasn't worried about someone else attacking me, I wasn't afraid of me, I was my own worst enemy.
I heard once that fear stop suicide. The suicidal individual is afraid of the unknown, what comes after death? Fear of the unknown stops them, I'm not afraid though, I don't worry about death, I don't fear it. And looking back that night, it wasn't fear that stopped me.
If fear isn't going to stop me what will?