Fog - Part 4/10

Line By Line

1.

I looked around as he spoke and no one seemed to pay him much attention. It was opportunism. Joe would have as soon seen us out the door if he didn’t think there was were still dollars to extract.

[Slightly awkward phrasing, to be extracted might work better.]

2. I love the part where Ross starts flattering Mike. So funny and very realistic. Actually, I love most of this chapter so far. It reads very easy and there's great suspence. You need to read it through for a few typos and the like but most of the time it's reading smooth.

3. I'm not sure about your last line there. Feels a bit misplaced after the success of grabbing the flare gun. I'm sure it's to build tension to the start of the next part, but to be honest I don't think you need it.

Overall

I honestly have so few complaints for this chapter. I'd have maybe liked the part where he goes out in the fog to be longer since that's such a key element of the story and I'd really like to know what he saw out there. Did he pause to check the black things flying into the window were birds? Did he have trouble finding his truck? It would just be good to have a little glimpse at the storm.

Other than that though, there's some nice pacing and there's just that little bit of humour thrown in there which was great. I liked this one much better than the last chapter in terms of pacing and dialogue. Everything just seemed to flow more smoothly so good work,

Heather xxx

Back! Miss me?

joshuapaul wrote:IV – The birds and a walk in the fog Probably should capitalize the title, yeah?

With every minute that ticked by, a new theory Theory about what, baseball? rose from the truckers' table, each more dire than the last. One was talking about a Stephen King story, the other another pestered on about chemical weapons from the ‘rag-heads’ and Joe was back at the table, still stubbornly pushing the unseasonal fog argument. At one point Joe stood on a seat and cleared his throat.

“Okay, don’t worry, everybody, the fog will soon clear. The moisture in it is blocking the radio signals, no doubt about it (Just to make it clear that this statement is in an attempt to justify his theory.). and The roads will all be closed by now, so everybody everyone should just stay put until it's lifted and the lightening has finished. The kitchen is still open, and from now we will be doing two for one meals.”

I looked around as he spoke and no one seemed to pay him much attention. It was opportunism. Joe would have as soon seen us out the door if he didn’t think there was still dollars to extract. Unnecessary. Also, it kind of contradicts with what we know about Joe's character.

The clock was getting close to ten and the smell of pancakes and coffee was becoming sickening. The room went through phases in unison; when the lightening flashed close enough to light the room, people would stop mid-conversation. Unease came and passed. And every time Joe stood up with a plug for coffee and bacon, people’s eyes would sharpen on him, then glaze over and the conversations would resume before he had finished the announcement.

The first thud came around 10:30. It came echoed by gasps.

Nobody saw what it was, just a sound against the glass, like the kick of a bass drum. Then the next and the next. Then they came faster. A black shape formed as just like a shadow, materialized You already said it "formed;" you don't need to say it "materialized" afterwards. then struck the glass and fell. This all happened It was almost too fast to see "Formed" has a connotation of slowness, because it takes time for something to "form." . A small crack started and began to seam right across the centre, inching closer with ever thud.

“They’re birds,” the boy with the leather jacket said. “I can see them when they hit. They look like magpies, but magpies don’t flock - I don’t think so, anyway.”

The thuds stopped after a minute.
“Damn birds, my insurance premium is going to skyrocket. Those windows are about six hundred a piece to replace,” Joe was saying, though no one seemed to hear. The same concerned look came; all eyes centred on the crease. That window was going to gocrumble/shatter/just not "go" at any moment.

“It looks like they’re fighting down there,” the boy was saying observed, standing over the seat with his hand binoculars against the glass again.

Janey stirred. She blinked out the remainders of sleep and shuffled a little in her pyjamas.
“Daddy, where is Mommy? Can we go home?”
“Not just yet, Janey. We can’t leave ‘til the fog lifts.”
“What’s wrong? Is Mommy okay?”
“She’s fine, Janey,” I lied You don't know you're lying. . “I promise.”

I had a bad feeling. I wanted to go to the bathroom. I also wanted to get the flare gun out of my truck ...Can you please explain why? , but I didn’t want to leave Janey alone.

“Janey, let’s go meet that family," I said, gesturing toward the supposed NFL agent and his company. 'Can you make a couple of friends?”

She gave a small tiresometired sigh, then took my hand and led me over.

I remembered what Sabre had said. They were the Fiskens and hethe man was Mike Fisken, an NFL player agent. As we approached, I let my eyes centre on the man, trying to steal his gaze. He looked like the type of guy that shoots from the hip. He had hard cold eyes and a strong jaw. Standing before him, I held out my hand. “Ross Stone.” He stared at it like I was offering him a tofu burger. His lip curled back over his teeth. He still held his phone to his ear, waiting for reception. The wife took it; she was a pretty thing, much younger than he was, with lustful curves and lips coated red.

“Claire Fisken. And this is Mike,” she said.

“Wait.” I was a hockey man myself, but could bluff my way through football talk. “The Mike Fisken?”

Suddenly he looked interested.
(space here)
“The NFL ‘super-agent’?”

His cheeks quickly washed red. “And, who are you?”

“Ross Stone.” Didn't he already say that? Finally, he took my hand. I felt uneasy looking into those eyes, tempered blue with every arctic implication. I needed someone to watch Janey so I pressed through.

“So, you are the Mike Fisken? Erm, he already knows that. Now you're just being redundant. I’m a big fan of football. Maybe add something right here. ” I began, and after some warming up he was talking trades and players and hehad forgotten about his phone. His young wife knew what to say and when to say it; she entertained the kids but every so often she added a dollop of sweet southern drawl.

Janey found a seat next to the kids who were a little younger than she was.

The more they smiled and the faster they spoke the more prepared I was to finally ask.
“Do you mind watching Janey justfor a moment? I need to grab something from my truck.”

“Yeah, sure, Ross,” she said, smiling; and there seemed to be something suggestive about her eyes, but it was no time for thoughts like that. I went to the door and as I reached out to grab the handle, someone hailed me.

“Ross, Ross, Ross, don’t go out there yet. Wait for it to clear. Sit down and have some lunch,” Joe was saying. Joe is always saying. Why can't he just say? “You saw those birds Ross, You’re blind out there.”

I ignored him, pulled my shirt upover my nose as like a gas mask over my noseand walked "Walked" doesn't mesh well with your successive use of "rush." out. I rushed to the car. The fog was so thick I had to resist the urge to stretch out my arms, like a bather wading in a lake. I ripped open the glove box and rifled through it until I had the flare gun. I slammed the door and got back to the diner. My vision blurred through thesurfacing tears, and my makeshift gas mask failed to keep my throat from itching.

I burst back in, holding the flare gun in one hand. It was as though I had interrupted a dinner party: all talk ceased and suspicious eyes fell on my gun. I put my other hand up as though surrendering.
“It’s a flare gun, just in case.” The suspicious eyes were still fixed on me. I shoved it in my pocket and made my way to the bathroom to rinse my eyes, and when I opened the door, it felt like I was dead already No one knows what this is supposed to mean, and so it comes across as superficial drama. .

-Kafka

I truly thought I might've been half way through with these by now. Geez. But at least I have something to review when I come on. x)

As a basic overall impression of this chapter, I don't have too many complaints, other than it maybe went on perhaps a little too slowly, but I also try to keep in mind that this is one short story broken up generously into ten parts. I can't knock you too bad. Besides, the chapter was brief anyhow, and I know from the last sentence of this chapter that things are bound to pick up more dramatically in the next chapter. Then it's really all downhill from there. (Downhill in a good way!)

So yeah. Good job still as I'm trucking along with these. Same intriguing writing quality I've come to expect. Not too wordy, not too lacking. Well, not lacking in the least I should say. I like to think of this chapter as some sort of brief intermission? Though it does lead in smoothly onto the following chapter. I'm hoping and expecting the next will be a bit more enticing to your whole story line. I'm eager to get to the gist of what's going to happen.

Not to fret with the little stuff, but I had just a few things to point out. Not everything, obviously, but a few general nitpicks and such.

“What’s wrong(,) is Mommy okay?”

I had a bad feeling. I wanted to go to the bathroom. I also wanted to get the flare gun out of my truck, but I didn’t want to leave Janey alone.

I know this might seem like a silly question when I first ask it, but why did he want to go to the bathroom? It's just a sort of random thought he has that's left floundering there in a way. Did he feel sick? Did he just want to get away from the atmosphere where all the rest of these people are? Or did he literally just have to use the bathroom, in which case is just some random thought as I'm guessing? Not quite sure.

Twit wrote:

“They’re birds.” The boy with the leather jacket said. “I can see them when they hit, they look like magpies, but magpies don’t flock, I don’t think anyway.”

All this dialogue is just one sentence. Break it up some. Also, the period and capital should be a comma and lowercase.

I disagree with this actually. I'm not sure if it's one of those punctuational things that varies internationally or whatever, and I'm not sure how you might have had it written out before you corrected it, but it should probably written as:

“They’re birds(,)” the boy with the leather jacket said.

I say this because once you end the quote of dialogue, you're describing who said it and it's just one continuous sentence. There's no need to chop it up when it can just flow. If you chop it up the way it is now, I know for a fact the bit about "The boy with the leather jacket said" isn't a sentence in its own. What did he say? They should therefore be connected. I just saw this and thought I'd make a point to lending my opinion of it. I'm not sure what other tinier correctional things were made that may or may not be up to par, but yeah. x)

“Janey, let’s go meet that family(.) You can make a couple of friends?”

This just sounded better I think, adding the period.

They were the Fisken(')s and he was Mike Fisken, an NFL player agent.

“So, you are the Mike Fisken? I’m a big fan of football(,)” I began(.) and After some warming up he was talking trades and players and he had forgotten about his phone.

You have a couple more instances where you put the period in place of a comma where I wouldn't expect for it to be, but I won't point every one out. I'll just wrap the nitpicks up with this, seeing as Confetti and Twit already bombard you with them. I don't want to sound like a broken record by not moving onto something else now.

So I suppose other than the meager things, there isn't so much going wrong with this. At least in my opinion. As I've said, everyone will have their different opinions of the matter, but I don't intend to twist and mold your writing until it's something unrecognizable from where you started off. Should there be something contradicting itself, or an area that doesn't seem smooth to me, or perhaps an area where things seem a bit "jumpy" from scene to scene, then I'll be glad to help you out in seeing this. But so far I've seen nothing disruptive to your telling of the story. But I'm only on chapter 4. ;P

You'll be seeing me again the next chapter soon.

-Smylin'

yo!

“They’re birds.” The boy with the leather jacket said. “I can see them when they hit, they look like magpies, but magpies don’t flock, I don’t think anyway.”

All this dialogue is just one sentence. Break it up some. Also, the period and capital should be a comma and lowercase.

The thud’s stopped after a minute.

The apostrophe makes this the singular possessive. You need “thuds”.

“What’s wrong is Mommy okay?”

No punctuation! Throw in another question mark after “what’s wrong”.

He stared at it like I was offering a tofu burger.

Lol, nice. XD

His lip curled back over his teeth. He still held his phone to his ear, waiting for reception. The wife took it; she was a pretty thing, much younger than he was, with lustful curves and lips coated red.

You talk about several different things after Ross offers his hand, so it’s not immediately clear what “it” is. I thought it was the phone at first. “Lips coated red” is a bit awkward; “red coated lips” runs easier.

“Claire Fisken and this is Mike,” She said.

Comma’s good, but capital’s wrong.

“Wait.” I was a hockey man myself but could bluff my way through football talk, “The Mike Fisken?”

Suddenly he looked interested. “The NFL ‘super-agent’?”

Nice bit of characterisation here. ^_^

I ignored him, pulled my shirt up as a gas mask over my nose and walked out.

Why’d he bother with a makeshift gas mask? There haven’t been any signs that the fog’s poisonous, have there?

---

I like the characterisations you have going on here. So far, I think this is my favourite chapter; there’s more stuff happening.

-twit

Sorry that it's taking so long to review these, been so busy with school and whatnot. But I have some time now, so let's do this (insert s word here, because I'm not actually allowed to say it).

With every minute that ticked by(comma) a new theory rose from the truckers table, each more dire than the last.

One man was talking about a Stephen King story,

So everybody stay put until it is lifted and the lightening has

I would change 'it is' to 'it's'. Simply because most people are accustomed to using contractions and Joe doesn't seem like the type of guy who speaks formally. You know? It's not a huge deal, but I figured I might as well point it out.

The kitchen is still open and from for now we will be doing two for one meals.

Again, 'we will' could be changed to 'we'll'.

I looked around as he spoke and no one seemed to be paying him much attention.

The first thud came around 10:30.

It came echoed by gasps.

I like that you make the first sentence separate from the other larger paragraphs, it gives it more effect. BUT, I would join these two. Maybe something along the lines of: "The first thud came around 10:30, echoed by gasps." A single sentence on its own stands out, but since you've used two here, it doesn't make it as effective.

A black shape formed as just a shadow, materialized(I feel like there should be a comma here, but I'm not 100% sure) then struck the glass and fell.

A small crack started and began to seam right across the centre, inching closer with every thud.

“They’re birds.(comma instead)” the boy with the leather jacket said.

The thuds stopped after a minute.

“It looks like they’re fighting down there.(comma)” the boy was saying said, standing over the seat with his hand binoculars against the glass again.

"standing over the seat, using his hands as binoculars against the glass." (Just a suggestion, "hand binoculars" sounds a little odd, and I admit that I had to read it again to get an image)

I had a bad feeling. I wanted to go to the bathroom.

These two thoughts seem disconnected. A little ADHD, if you will.

“Janey, let’s go meet that family, you can make a couple of friends?(I would change to period. He isn't really asking her, he's practically telling her)”

They were the Fiskens and he was Mike Fisken, an NFL player agent.

Considering you were just talking about Sabre, it makes it sound like Sabre is the NFL player agent. Also, consider changing 'player agent' to 'sports agent'. They're the same thing, right? But sports agent has a better sound to it.

He had hard(comma) cold eyes and a strong jaw.

I held out my hand,(period instead) “Ross Stone.”

His lip curled back over his teeth.

Bit odd, not completely sure what you mean here. Could be a smile, could be a sneer, but considering he's ignoring Ross, he really shouldn't be making much of a facial expression.

talk,(period) “The Mike Fisken?”

“The NFL ‘super-agent’?”

I really thought Mike was talking here, but I realized that can't be right.

“And,(no comma) who are you?”

Also, attach this to "His cheeks quickly washed red."

I needed someone to watch Janey(comma here, I believe) so I pressed through.

“So, you are the Mike Fisken? I’m a big fan of football.(comma)” I began,

and after some warming up(comma) he was talking trades and players and he had forgotten about his phone.

Something I notice from most of your works is that you enjoy being subtle. Instead of saying something like: "every once in a while, she would speak", you say:

but every so often she added a dollop of sweet southern drawl.

I'm not sure why I'm pointing this out, I guess it's just interesting to see how different people have different styles.

The more they smiled(comma) and the faster they spoke(comma) the more prepared I was to finally ask.

I need to grab something from my truck.”

It just wouldn't be a complete chapter without a pointless capital, makes me laugh.

“Yeah sure, Ross,” she said, smiling(period) and There seemed to be something suggestive about her eyes, but it was no time for thoughts like that.

I went to the door(comma) and as I reached out to grab the handle, someone hailed me.

Sit down and have some lunch.(comma)” Joe was saying,

I ignored him, pulled my shirt up over my nose as a gas mask(comma) over my nose and walked out.

The fog was so thick that I had to resist the urge to stretch out my arms, like a bather wading in a lake.

Or, you could say: "The fog was thick, and I" etc.

My vision blurred through the surfacing tears,(no comma) and my makeshift gas mask failed to keep my throat from itching.

I burst back in(comma) holding the flare gun in one hand.

The suspicious eyes still stayed fixed on me.

I shoved it in my pocket and made my way to the bathroom to rinse my eyes,(period) and When I opened the door, it felt like I was dead already.

Your use of commas definitely stood out in this chapter, seeing as it was what I was nitpicking most often. Unless I'm wrong about them (I find that I sometimes use commas too often), you should work on that a bit more. I also noticed that you tend to end dialogue with a period. Okay, that probably made no sense, so I'll give an example:

“They’re birds.” The boy with the leather jacket said.

I'm really not sure if you're doing this on purpose or what, but I would suggest sticking to commas.
I found that the scenes in which he goes into the fog are too limited. The fog is a crucial part of your story, so we should have a better image in our heads.
I know I'm being super picky tonight, but the chapter really was consistently well-written. Ciao for now