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First two lines need to be changed: right now you're presenting us with an image, and then hammering us with an explanation. You should reword it, probably to something more active, involve the narrator. Turn it from a simile to a metaphor and really run wild with it.
Wait: where did the revolution come from? We were talking about winding up cars. And now there's ripped jeans, idealism, Castro, and counter-cultures. I'm lost. The theme of this poem is getting ruined by (a) a forced rhyme with no metre whatsoever and (b) messy metaphors and similes lying all over the place, unconnected. There's no tightness, it's a bit all over the places.
I like the idea of making a venn diagram, but it's buried in the middle of a confusing mishmash of images. It isn't helped by some frankly bizarre wording -- "hold our jeans to our genes, seamlessly" and "the lesser of two evils is lesser than resolution". Really look at these lines and think about what you're trying to say, I honestly have no idea.
So: cut into this with a fine edit and rip it down to its bare bones. Show me the heart of what you're really trying to say.
Good first line, slaughtered by the fact that the next line proceeds to explain it. If you don't think the analogy is clear on its own, don't use it. Explaining it to the reader is a waste of space.
This doesn't make sense. Lesser than resolution? I can't make anything of it.
It's a simile, but it's unclear. Are you comparing yourself or the subject of the poem to the people on the podiums? Comparisons must be clear, or they are ineffective.
A confused line. The cause-and-effect implicit in "so" just doesn't exist; but without "so," the line is turned into nothing more than a life raft floating in the sea of your poem with nothing to hold on to.
Who's Castro? Fidel Castro? Only one I can think of. Why would wearing jeans with holes make you close to him, and how does he even fit into the poem?
Good line.
Again, the "so" has no clear purpose. "im" should be "I'm." Also, how did the poem get into the realm of fashion statements? It's straying drastically.
"Hold" is repeated here with no clear intent. Also, this number of adverbs in so short a space never makes for a smooth read.
Hope this helped.
-Kafka
Hi there. this was an intresting piece and I can't wait to review it.
The good parts:
1. The imagery is really good in all lines of the poem. That makes me very happy.
2. The rhyme scheme is smooth and flows well.
The not so good parts:
1. You start with it being between you and something, a one on one experience. It is okay that you went broader in the middle, but you failed to bring it back to the original topic of letting go. You didn't stay on topic and that is what makes me sad.
2. Some of the lines could be formated differantly without changing the words. such as "If I let you go now l guarantee you’d go far" you could either split it in half and press enter to make another line (and the poem even more powerful) or you could insert a comma after now. It just needs reformating. Also I don't like the repeat of lesser in "When the lesser of two evils is lesser than resolution" it just leaves me going, what? Also work on how you punctuate.
3. I want to reitterate this... stay on topic please. I feel it is so important it needs repeating. The part about the jeans after idealist mind is where it goes off track, and it never links back up to letting go.
Overall:
It is a good poem, with some strong imagery but not a very strong connection. I hope this was of help and for a first piece it is really good! Good job and good luck, PM if you need anything.