Young Writers Society

First two lines need to be changed: right now you're presenting us with an image, and then hammering us with an explanation. You should reword it, probably to something more active, involve the narrator. Turn it from a simile to a metaphor and really run wild with it.

Wait: where did the revolution come from? We were talking about winding up cars. And now there's ripped jeans, idealism, Castro, and counter-cultures. I'm lost. The theme of this poem is getting ruined by (a) a forced rhyme with no metre whatsoever and (b) messy metaphors and similes lying all over the place, unconnected. There's no tightness, it's a bit all over the places.

I like the idea of making a venn diagram, but it's buried in the middle of a confusing mishmash of images. It isn't helped by some frankly bizarre wording -- "hold our jeans to our genes, seamlessly" and "the lesser of two evils is lesser than resolution". Really look at these lines and think about what you're trying to say, I honestly have no idea.

So: cut into this with a fine edit and rip it down to its bare bones. Show me the heart of what you're really trying to say.

Being with you is like a wind-up toy car
If I let you go now l guarantee you’d go far

When the lesser of two evils is lesser than resolution

Like the people on the podiums leading the blind
I cannot follow your idealist mind

So today I wear jeans with rips just above the knee

The closest thing to Castro I think I ever could be

In this cross section of counter-culture, cocaine and inadequacy

So im making a venn diagram of every fashion statement I see.

Where we overlap is where we hold most comfortably
But it’s those spaces between that we falsely believe
Hold our jeans to our genes, seamlessly.

Hi there. this was an intresting piece and I can't wait to review it.

The good parts:

1. The imagery is really good in all lines of the poem. That makes me very happy.

2. The rhyme scheme is smooth and flows well.

The not so good parts:

1. You start with it being between you and something, a one on one experience. It is okay that you went broader in the middle, but you failed to bring it back to the original topic of letting go. You didn't stay on topic and that is what makes me sad.

2. Some of the lines could be formated differantly without changing the words. such as "If I let you go now l guarantee you’d go far" you could either split it in half and press enter to make another line (and the poem even more powerful) or you could insert a comma after now. It just needs reformating. Also I don't like the repeat of lesser in "When the lesser of two evils is lesser than resolution" it just leaves me going, what? Also work on how you punctuate.

3. I want to reitterate this... stay on topic please. I feel it is so important it needs repeating. The part about the jeans after idealist mind is where it goes off track, and it never links back up to letting go.

Overall:

It is a good poem, with some strong imagery but not a very strong connection. I hope this was of help and for a first piece it is really good! Good job and good luck, PM if you need anything.