Published May 9, 2010
a cornflake laughed at an obese man who tried to eat it but missed then the cornflake kicked the man's eye and the man farted. the corflake was walking along then a bird pooed on him. the cornflake cried and ran... and then fell. he then stopped teasing obese people. he met a female corn flake but then she said no your a jerk. then he was sad again. then a carrot kicked his leg and ran. whales sat on him. then brockley threw cake at him. then the cake turned into a dinosaur and ate the corn flake.
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
KD here to review.
Oh yeah, random is pretty cool, but...this would be so much better if it at least made a little bit more sense. Why did the female cornflake say 'No, you're a jerk'? You don't explain anything.
(Trust me, I'm not.) Keep on writing-
Erm, this was, er, very interesting. Lol, here are some ways to improve this:
-EXXXXXPPPPAANNNNDDD this story. It seems like a skeleton of a story, not a story.
-Yes, as Irish said, this is really random.
-Spellcheck, spellcheck, spellcheck! For example, you spelled 'broccoli' wrong.
-This is not Fantasy Fiction. Place this story in a different category! In Fantasy Fiction, there are dragons, knights, and princesses, etc. This should be in the General Fiction Short Stories category in my opinion.
Hope I helped, sorry if I sounded mean!
KD
Hey there! Irish is the name and I'm here to review.
I honestly have dreams like this, and my dreams are probably the most random things you'll ever hear.
Its a hard habit to get into once you're out of it, but once you're back in, its wicked easy.
This is so random
Since this isn't very long I can't really say alot but you need punctuation. With this, I cannot really say that enough. You have the periods and everything but you need to capitalize and use your little friends called commas, quotations, and apostrophes. They're good friends of everyone ^_^
So yea, USE PUNCTUATION. It makes the story look MUCH more professional and better all around
One more quick thing:
You're
I hope this helped! (I'm really sorry if what I said sounded rude, I didn't want to come off that way!)
PM me if you have any questions!
- Irish