Published July 7, 2010
Crystal jolted up from her bed. "It was just a dream," she thought, "a really horrible dream."
Dark Angel, her night - black cat, jumped on the black bed-spread an gave Crystal a 'me-ow' for 'good morning.' Crystal sighed. Another first day of highschool. She got up from her comfy bed and started coffee. Then she took a steaming, hot shower. When she got out, straightens her hair, and put on a black-plaid skirt and a black v-scooped tee-shirt. She added just black eyeliner and mascara to make her blue/silver eyes look more silver.
After all that, she went down stairs, filled up Dark Angel's food bowl, and made herself a cup of coffee. While she drank her cup of coffee, her moble phone rang. Crystal flipped the phone to her ear, "Hello?"
"Hey Crystal! How are you? Are you anxious about the first day of Gateway Highschool?" Her best friend, Hail, said in one breath. Hail has known Crystal for most of the present carnation life. Crystal somehow manage to keep her secret from everyone, even Hail, untill a year ago. Hail finally realized that Crystal was not just human.
"Hell yeah I'm ready!" Crystal replied with a sarcastic emotion that made Hail laugh on the other side of the phone. Then she heard a bus door opening and a wave of kids chatting through the phone. "Hey, Hail. Are you on the bus?" she asked.
"Yep," Hail responded. "We will be at your house very soon,"
"I know, I know." she sighed. "Got to go. See you in five minutes." She closed the phone and tossed it in her schoolbag, that was on a kitchen chair. She petted Dark Angel one last time and whrispered, "Mummy will be back after school. Okay?" Dark Angel just licked her nose and ran off. Crystal went out the same mansion door that stood from 1717 to the present day. She locked the door and ran down, at normal speed, the path that was now covered with trees and other plants.
As she was stepping out of the woods, the bus came to a stop in front of her. She looked beack at her house one last time this morning, and then got on the bus.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,367 Literary Works • 672,541 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression:
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well what immediately struck me were the names here. They certainly stand out quite a bit because they are so different from what I usually see in stories, but they seem like interesting choices, I have no idea if they are simply just names or if there is more going on here. There's certainly enough happening around here to catch the attention of a reader and I think it makes for a decent start.
Well there is certainly enough being hinted at there to catch our attention. It seems as if these characters aren't fully human and that adds a nice level of extra excitement to things here. I'm very excited to see where this ends up going at the moment because the interactions here and the tiny bits of information we're being fed with the thoughts of the characters are proving to be intriguing with the whole past life thing and being not quite human.
Well that makes for a pretty decent ending there. I think it works well with the bit of setup from earlier about the whole thing with the non humanness perhaps being spotted and its a great way to get us wanting to read that second chapter. Overall, a pretty solid start to this particular story and a pretty good first chapter.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall:
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you! ^_^
Hello there.
First off, I want to say that it's not very encouraging when you see that all those people corrected your chapter, and you haven't even done the editing... Now, it could've been because you don't have time, and that's fine. Just try to edit your stuff when someone shows you mistakes.
So everything is in past tense, make sure there's no slip up. I know it's hard, and it's probably the most common mistake.
You underlined some of your words, and I understand it as some kind of emphasis, right? Most of the writers prefer to put them in italics, and that way, when people read it, they will put emphasis or attitude in the part shown. Maybe doing that will help some of the readers understand it better. I see some of the reviewers didn't really understand, right? Anyways, it's just a suggestion.
Plot wise it was okay. I like the cliff hanger, and the way you only mentioned briefly that she wasn't human, but didn't go into details. That way, it will intrigue your readers and make them want to read more.
The things I didn't like... Well the flow wasn't bad, but it wasn't good also. Like other reviewers said before, it's a little bit repetitive, and there's a lot of tell, not show. You could add a lot more thoughts on how she felt about her beginning high school again, how she felt about all the years she's done that... Make her go through the motions she knew probably too well since it's been a while she's done that. Make her feel the routine coming back, make us feel that she's been around many years. You tell us she's not human, and you hint she's done this too many times, so I'm guessing she's not aging or something. But you could hint at it in her thoughts and her personality. Anyways, hope you get what I'm trying to say.
Keep writing, and I'm on to the second chapter!
-Other One
Hi, Jolene! Here to review! I Fished one or two mistakes and I wanna show them to you!
A typo here! You spelled mobile wrong.
Hell, yeah. I'm ready!
Then, she heard a bus door opening and a wave of kids chatting through the phone. "Hey, Hail. Are you on the bus?" she asked.
"Mummy, will be back after school. Okay?"
Keep Writing!
Well hey Jolene. I didn't think I would be able to do the review for this chapter today, but it turns out that I was wrong.
' What do you mean possibly by 'midnight'? That the cat was very black? Then in that case the 'mid' word should be extracted out.So, you have had many nit-picks from Romance Odaku and Eddie, so i won't bother you with them again.
Well, Odaku said that he understood why you underlined that and complimented you on that, but I just failed to understand. Would you tell me? And also how can it be another first day? Please this is confusing me so make me understand. I am a bit of dumbo, you see?
Started coffee? What does it mean? Shouldn't it be that started making coffee or something else, that is relevant?
You got the wrong spelling or it's just the typo?
Well, I have to say that this didn't seem like a chapter to me. Mainly because of it's length, and these chapters are meant to make us understand the story in a much better way, and also the characters but I wasn't able to know much about Crystal.
For whole of the chapter, you were bus telling us the actions, which didn't appeal me much. You create small small sentences for what she was doing when you could have joined some. I don't mean make long or very long sentences but just be a bit moderate.
As for the description, there were hardly any, though I liked how you described the cat in the beginning. Not to be harsh or anything but this didn't catch my interest even a bit. You should be write what you would like to read. just be honest to yourself and there would be your answer. You just need to add imagery.
Well, on the positive side this was hell lot better than the prologue. The words you used were more good and the vocabulary, I could see has expanded. Next time you write the other part, just do a lot of description. Or add it somewhere here for the simple reason that there should never be over-do of ti neither you should be ignoring it.
The grammar to say was much better and I think that if you write more and more, this would keep on improving. Just watch out on the imagery, and the description. You would become awesome writer then.
P.S.Sorry if I was harsh. Just take all this as a constructive criticism.
~Shubhi
Hey there, I'm Eddie and I'm going to take a shot at reviewing this for you today.
I kind of like the way you started this, although it would of been really, really nice for you to have actually wrote the dream and then added in this line, just a thought.
This is very repetitive, its all. 'She done this, and then she done that.' Thats not a bad thing, this is something I struggle with often. Putting a few of the characters thoughts and feelings would break this up nicely. Ask youself, what are her thoughts/feelings/worries about her first day? Talk about how the shower feels to her. You know when you're getting ready at home? I'm constantly running through an inner monologue on each outfit 'Oh this makes me look fat.' 'This is what I wore when I went to see so and so.' I'm not saying turn her into a cheerleader, its just an idea.
Its nice to end on a kind of cliff hanger, but I thought it would of been more interesting if you added in a little more.
Something I find useful is if you literally, put yourself into your characters shoes whilst you're writing. Think about where you are, what can you see as your character around you? If you're writing about her being in a public place. Think about the people around you? Etc etc, I find that writing is sometimes 50% the characters inner thoughts, 30% action and 20% dialogue.
Other than that its a good story, I can see it progressing well. Hope I helped!
xo
First I just wanna say that I like your avatar. ^-^.
Anyway, just from looking at this it's a bit short for a chapter. Things are so much shorter when typed than in the ol' notebook, eh? Now on to nitpicking...
High quality writing compared to some of the other stuff I've had to read today on here. I'll try to keep my opinion out of this. Good work using your fonts to the best of your ability, without overusing them, too. I would advise you just read through yourself next time so that there won't be these silly little errors, but I didn't mind editing them because of how short this piece is. Again, it was kinda short for a chapter, but it's something. You got some talent. Now let's see if you have the creativity to back up the writing... (ie, if Christal is a vampire i'ma yell XD).
Good luck with the rest of your novel,
~Otaku