Published September 8, 2010
This poem came to me at some unGodly hour Sunday morning. It felt like a Valkyrie was whispering in my ear. I noticed that a person that i was talking to wasn't talking back. maybe he is a player or maybe i just annoying him. I take back everything, even the endearments, i said. sorry, i had no other way to say it. i don't know if you ever loved me or not...but i love you!!
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139,507 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
I know but i just feel like the world hates me for who i am and i think that it will always be this way...
I am sorry for making you feeling this Jolene, I truly am x
Okay people!! the Bedroom eyes is like this because the one i loved said that my eyes were brown but the are Bedroom eyes (Or a sky blue, which ever way you say it)
Hi if I have to be honest I feel like there is nothing that distinguishes this poem from all the other ones that talk about love and maybe is because this is such a common subject.
For example:
I wish I could say that there is a part that I liked but unfortunately I don't see anything special anything that makes it different, unique. I would probably advice you to improve its flow and put more imagery, for example what can that lost trust be compared to.
Also I don't think this stanza makes much sense:
Good luck !
First off HI! Second of all I agree why is bedroom in bold and colored? That just threw me off. It was a very good poem I liked it alot and I am not just saying that. It has a lot of emotion and power behind it. So overall an amazing poem great work and I know what you mean by poems coming at ungodly hours I've had it happen. SO GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Superglomphugglezyouwhilehuggingabunnylickingalollipopandrandomlydancingandwatchingpiratesofthecarribeanbecauseshecan* Bye.
Interesting use of haiku stanzas in this piece, but there is something lacking in this poem. I don't know if it's the subject matter (I'm not much of an angsty, lost love type poem fan), or if it's something else, but I just didn't really enjoy this. Couple of nitpicky things:
The first, overall, is the lack of punctuation in the first couple of stanzas. You have some in subsequent stanzas, which is awesome, but it's still missing in the beginning, which throws me off a little bit.
Also, overall, you miss haiku meter in a couple of stanzas, specifically stanzas 2 and 5, where you only have six syllables instead of seven. Easy fix to just add a syllable.
But my big question comes here:
Being blunt here: why the hell is "bedroom" in bold and colored? Normally when something sticks out intentionally, it is because it is extremely significant to the work as a whole. But reading and rereading the poem, I can find no significant reason the word sticks out so much. Get rid of it. It doesn't belong.
I'm not quite sure what you're saying here. Let me rephrase that: I know what you're saying here, it just doesn't make sense. It's a boring line. Make it exciting.
"My favorite number?" Again, what does this mean? In what you've given us, we don't know anything about the speaker's past love life, so we don't know if the number means he's lucky number 7 in the line of lovers, or if he's number one in the speaker's heart. Clarity is key in something as short as this.
Overall, a meh work. Could be either scrapped entirely, or greatly improved.
kf