z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The letter

by johnAsade


   It doesn’t rain much in February around these parts, so I get to go out with Peter and his friend Nonie and indulge in a number of experiences I would otherwise never have experienced at my real home. I came to stay at Peter’s soon after attending my cousin Patrick’s surprisingly beautiful and well attended wedding to his Muslim wife and for the better part of my visit and stay here, I’ve spent more time outdoors riding bikes, swimming in rivers and playing football. Nonie, who happens to be Peter’s immediate neighbour and childhood friend, has also awakened my love for cooking by inviting us to spend Saturday evenings at her home, where we help her with cooking whatever meal we decide on for dinner. All this has surely been pretty exciting, but nothing has really lifted my spirits more than the letter I found hanging out of Peter’s mom’s hand when we came back from swimming and riding bikes yesterday evening. She’d been to our school to see about Peter’s admission for Form Five and she’d come by the letter rather accidentally.

It was directly addressed to me and was from a boarding school in the city. To be more specific, it wasn’t just any boarding school. The name below the badge in the left corner of the white envelope was St Mary’s College Kitebi, and it took me less a minute to remember where I’d last seen it. It was on those applications forms for A level schools that I handed in late, and I remembered having placed it as my first choice for merit admission should I get the marks required in my final exams. Peter’s mom asked me then to open and see what it said, and I must admit I haven’t felt that anxious and unsure of myself in a long time. Sure, the letter was addressed to me in person as shown by the formal greeting in it that bore my name and it was only minutes later after taking in all its contents that I realised what was happening to me. It couldn’t be true! It just couldn’t be happening! Suddenly everyone was all over me with congratulations and pats in the back and I could have replied their smiles and hugs with even bigger smiles had I not been too stunned to speak.

The letter announced my admission on merit to the school, which I’d read of and heard of so much that I’d practically started dreaming of how studying in it felt like. It was just exactly like I’d hoped it would be. For once, my dreams were coming true. I was leaving St John’s to join a better traditional school in the city for my A levels, and I was joining on merit! How could I want anything else? I only wished then that Ma could be around to give me a big hug and remind me how we got only what we deserved and that I’d earned myself something to be proud of. But she could never be around, and so I let that wish pass.

The only part of the letter that I didn’t like was the one that required a parent to sign in consent to and as a witness to my admission. That cut out any of Peter’s parents or any other relative I preferred and left only one person-Dad. Speaking of Dad, I haven’t seen or talked to him in months. I frown at hearing at his voice and the sight of him appalls me so much that I take every moment I can get away from home as a golden opportunity. That is essentially why I am so happy about this letter. By joining a boarding school, I will not only stop coming back home to housework every day after school, but will also be saved from living in such proximity with Dad, who I still can’t at without feeling sick. I can always have my holidays at Peter’s and visit Lydia whenever I want. The only thing I have to do now is to get him to sign my papers which will set me free. But I wonder if he will accept. It’s no secret that I detest my father. It may sound rude and bad mannered but I definitely have my reasons and evidence to prove everything I hold against him.

My name is James, or Jamie as everyone calls me and I am the first born in a family of two, or three if you count my half sister Sara as my sibling. Lydia, who’ll be fifteen in March comes right after me and is two years younger. Sara is only three, and that’s as much good as I can say about her. Ours is one of those middle income families living in a respectable neighbourhood, with a nice house and a car to complete the suburban look. But to be more exact, that is how life used to be. A lot has changed in our lives since last year.

You see, Last December, my father killed my mother. I saw him do it.

This is an excerpt from my novel, There is a Reason You Must Hate Me, https://www.amazon.com/There-Reason-You-Must-Hate-ebook/dp/B01IWH24WY, available for free on Amazon from August 5 to August 9. Drop by and leave a review! Thanks!


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299 Reviews


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Fri Sep 02, 2016 11:35 pm
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Good afternoon, johnAsade! I'm here to review your novel excerpt and provide a few of my thoughts.


...yeah, this is a fairly solid story. The pacing is nice, and you do a decent job of developing your characters. The opening was surprisingly nonconformist in the sense that you picked what I would think as normally quiet or calm scenes, and certainly not a dramatic or eye-catching opening, yet was well executed, particularly in the manner that you implied trouble in the main character's life. You crafted enough of an introduction that it made me curious to read more in a clever enough way to not come across as cliche, and I feel that the rest of the story was impressive as well. In all, you did a good job of developing the life of the protagonist, his experiences, and the ring of characters around him and their lives. I honestly didn't mind the pacing, although I thought it a little too fast at the beginning. Personally, I think this is lacking in actual dialogue among the characters, and they seem a little more impersonal than I'd like, though not by much. Of course, since this is heavily focused on the main character and a key change in their life, a drifting away of focus from his friends is perfectly fine, and at least I know about them and their hobbies that they start to become meaningful characters in my eyes.

To be honest, I think there were a couple of problems with your story, particularly towards the end. You tended to constantly shift between the past and present tense in your descriptions, which became annoying after a while. I'd advise keeping an eye on that, as it can be jarring. Too, you also started shifting between topics towards the end, and it got a little confusing. My train of thought was interrupted when you started discusses who James is and who is family is, which I thought a little odd. It didn't seem like it belonged there, or that it could, if there was a few more sentences tying together James's dad and stretching on to his family. Since this appears to be a narrative-style work from the eyes of James itself, it could just as easily be "Oh, you don't know who I am? Well..." Beyond that, your progression through the story was balanced, it read nicely, and had a strong mood whiplash to it, which I enjoyed. After all, a dead parent is always something tragic, particularly in the midst of such a happy incident such as going to an amazing school, and an abusive/neglectful parent always draws someone's ire, but having one parent kill the other, in front of their child? That's shocking, and scary.

In the end, I found this an impressive, and fun to read, story excerpt, one that left me wondering about a lot of questions. Why did James's father kill James's mother? Why didn't James's father make to kill him as well? What could James's father have done to assure that James, in spite of being surrounded by friends and relatively far away from him, never report the murder to the authorities? How has James's life changed? These are the kinds of questions that keep the audience wanting to see more, and it certainly had that effect on me. Thus, nicely done! This was a story I enjoyed reading, and I thank you for presenting it here! I'll definitely keep the novel in mind as I consider what stories I might wish to read next.

Nicely done!



Random avatar
johnAsade says...


Hey there, TheSilverFox
That is one honest yet reassuring review for a small story I thought would not mean much to anyone. Your comprehension of its small tidbits such as the emotion,its dialogue-or lack thereof plus its pacing and opening opened my eyes to what could have been and showed me what really needs to change. I wasn't so sure about the opening either, but now i do realise that by being the prologue, the chapter deserved to start with a bang,or dramatic situation as you put it. That is something all my future books/stories must have! The tense does seem to vary, bit I figured that since it was a narration being made in real time, it would certainly be ideal to just refer to the past bit keep speaking in the present. I wonder if that makes sense.
As for the dialogue, you are very right. After doing extensive reading myself, I have found stories to be told in part by the way characters speak to each other, something my story lacks. Rest assured, am doing practice at voicing characters and my next book will certainly be above par when it comes to that.
One thing more. Am so honored that you loved the story. I hoped to catch the reader's attention with that ending and it looks like I actually did.
Thank you a ton.



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Thu Aug 04, 2016 10:26 pm
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Junel wrote a review...



Hey,

Grammatical Etc. errors:
First I want to say that although they all make sense you do have a lot of run-ons. Some you could just split into multiple sentences some you could just shorten because they contain information that we don't need.

who I still can’t at without feeling sick.

I think that at is supposed to say something else, but has been cut off or this is a typo.
Characters: So this only gives us a brief look at the characters. So I really don't know much at this time.
Plot: So the plot takes a little time to progress, which made it a little hard to get into, but the very end definitely makes me want to read more.
Description: You have lots of description of events and such and some when it came to the letter itself, but when it came to the setting and background there really wasn't any, which made it hard for me to make an image of the characters.

Amazing job on getting this published! I will have to try and go read it.

Good Luck and Keep Writing

Sláinte -Junel



Random avatar
johnAsade says...


A big thank you Junel for that rather helpful comment.
And for pointing out the grammatical errors. That phrase was supposed to be "who i cant look at without feeling sick". Just one word changes the whole meaning. So silly of me. Someone else has also pointed out the fact that some sentences seem so long, and that is one thing i am going to have to change in future editions and books. As for your comment on the end of the story, that is just how t i want my readers to feel like-a desire to learn what happened next. Thaks for pointing out the lack of character story backgrounds. Its just that most of the characters in the prologue are not really major parts of the story as it progresses. As such, i didn't find it necessary to expand their story arcs.

Thank you for wanting to check out my book. That's every published author's Christmas wish.



Junel says...


Your Welcome, I always love to help others!




I communicate much better on paper than I do when I open my mouth.
— Aaron Sorkin