Good afternoon, johnAsade! I'm here to review your novel excerpt and provide a few of my thoughts.
...yeah, this is a fairly solid story. The pacing is nice, and you do a decent job of developing your characters. The opening was surprisingly nonconformist in the sense that you picked what I would think as normally quiet or calm scenes, and certainly not a dramatic or eye-catching opening, yet was well executed, particularly in the manner that you implied trouble in the main character's life. You crafted enough of an introduction that it made me curious to read more in a clever enough way to not come across as cliche, and I feel that the rest of the story was impressive as well. In all, you did a good job of developing the life of the protagonist, his experiences, and the ring of characters around him and their lives. I honestly didn't mind the pacing, although I thought it a little too fast at the beginning. Personally, I think this is lacking in actual dialogue among the characters, and they seem a little more impersonal than I'd like, though not by much. Of course, since this is heavily focused on the main character and a key change in their life, a drifting away of focus from his friends is perfectly fine, and at least I know about them and their hobbies that they start to become meaningful characters in my eyes.
To be honest, I think there were a couple of problems with your story, particularly towards the end. You tended to constantly shift between the past and present tense in your descriptions, which became annoying after a while. I'd advise keeping an eye on that, as it can be jarring. Too, you also started shifting between topics towards the end, and it got a little confusing. My train of thought was interrupted when you started discusses who James is and who is family is, which I thought a little odd. It didn't seem like it belonged there, or that it could, if there was a few more sentences tying together James's dad and stretching on to his family. Since this appears to be a narrative-style work from the eyes of James itself, it could just as easily be "Oh, you don't know who I am? Well..." Beyond that, your progression through the story was balanced, it read nicely, and had a strong mood whiplash to it, which I enjoyed. After all, a dead parent is always something tragic, particularly in the midst of such a happy incident such as going to an amazing school, and an abusive/neglectful parent always draws someone's ire, but having one parent kill the other, in front of their child? That's shocking, and scary.
In the end, I found this an impressive, and fun to read, story excerpt, one that left me wondering about a lot of questions. Why did James's father kill James's mother? Why didn't James's father make to kill him as well? What could James's father have done to assure that James, in spite of being surrounded by friends and relatively far away from him, never report the murder to the authorities? How has James's life changed? These are the kinds of questions that keep the audience wanting to see more, and it certainly had that effect on me. Thus, nicely done! This was a story I enjoyed reading, and I thank you for presenting it here! I'll definitely keep the novel in mind as I consider what stories I might wish to read next.
Nicely done!
Points: 24185
Reviews: 299
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