All I want is to be free
Free from my thoughts
Free from my emotions
Free from these chains
Free from this prison
Free from the illness
Free from the pain
Sleep
The grandest illusion
The cruelest trick
To give this wretched soul respite
To only condemn me again each morning
Again with these chains
Again with this pain
All I have ever wanted was to be free
Though apparently,
A life such as that could never be for me
To be free,
Something I will never see
Was there a time where I knew such freedom?
Or was I simply unable to see
These walls, these chains, this pain
The walls have been closing in lately
Each day my cell grows smaller
Each day it getting harder to breathe
I ask, where will this life lead me?
I guess, all I've ever wanted was to be...
Free
Free, from this caged thing that is me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi Jodo, I'm Lee, and here to review your poem! Oh, and welcome to the site! I hope you enjoy it here, and don't hesitate to ask me about anything you need help with.
Now, regarding your poem;
My overall impression is that it's quite good. You've done a nice job of expressing despair and anguish, along with the frustration of being trapped. Your feelings were conveyed to the reader, which is possibly the most important thing about poetry. And this poem is relatable to quite a few people, I think.
When I look at individual parts, I see room for some improvement.
I'm sorry if my review comes off as too critical; just trying to help!
I'd like to talk about punctuation; in the last few lines, there was a sprinkling of it, but that isn't nearly enough. I just think that if you added commas and fullstops where they were necessary, this poem would be so much better. In the sense, there would be more stress in parts where it was necessary, and a sense of weight would be added to the whole poem. And in the first part, there was a moment of confusion where I couldn't tell where a sentence ended and another one began.
Here are the first few lines, with punctuation:
Additionally, I recommend using stanzas to organize and neaten your poem. It makes reading it a little easier and creates a smooth sense of transition between different trains of thought. Besides, it'll be easier for readers to drop reviews.
I suggest changing this to, "Giving this wretched soul respite."
It's Only to,, not To only. At least, that's how that pair works.
These lines don't really add much to the poem; there isn't a new feeling or a particularly new thought. I'd advise you to scrap them completely.
*when*, not "where."
This has to end with a question mark, or it just looks and seems sloppy.
Two suggestions here: Remove the comma and the ellipsis.
Ooh, nice. This was my favourite line, and certainly a very cool way to end your poem.
You've done a really good job; is this your first poem? Regardless, I am impressed and laud you on your writing skills. However, there's just one other thing; don't get me wrong, but this is a slightly cliche topic to write about. That doesn't make the quality any less, of course, it's still really good; it just makes the poem more predictable.
Feel free to disregard any suggestions you didn't find useful. Once again, I apologise if my review was too critical.
Keep writing!
- Lee
Thank you for reading and for your feedback. I'm sorry that my writing is cliche. It wasn't at all planned out. I was just going through one of my daily lows and decided to write about how I felt rather than doing nothing. I'm glad that it was somewhat legible because I often don't recall ever writing these pieces. Almost as if they are a different part of me crying for help. Anyway, thank you, no one ever reads my writing which prompted me to try this site out. I was surprised to see that people read my nonsense and actually responded to it. Once again, thank you.
If you ever want me to read anything by you, just let me know!
And please don't hesitate to ask for my help navigating the site; I'd be glad to.
Anyway, here you will get people to read your work, so I hope you like it!
Hello @jodo!
Welcome to YWS! If you ever have any questions about the website, feel free to P.M me. Now, onto the review. This poem was beautiful and very relatable. I really enjoyed the repetition that you used throughout it, especially in the first half.
“ Sleep
The grandest illusion
The cruelest trick
To give this wretched soul respite
To only condemn me again each morning”
This is definitely my favorite part of your poem. Sleep is so wonderful, but I can never get enough of it. My alarm clock is always waking me up too soon. I swear those things are demons in disguise. You did a wonderful job of describing how evil sleep really is.
Your grammar and spelling is basically perfect here! I only saw one mistake in this line: “ Each day it getting harder to breathe”. “It” should be replaced with “it’s” or “it is”. Other than that, I have nothing to change! I absolutely loved this poem. I can’t wait to read more of your poems or stories in the future. Keep writing!!
VioletFantasy