The new year's day was not an off day for the special corps consisting of the aura wielders from all of Euastris . They were currently walking over the keytone wall of china, though the magical wall energized them each second, there was no doubt that 13,172 miles was not easy to inspect as they had to scan each and every nook and corner.
The keytone wall of china was built over the Nefien keytone, one of the eight magical currents sweeping across the world. The side of walls were made simple baked clay bricks but withstood all kinds of terrifying attacks from many powerful elementalists.
The sun was setting they had been walking for a while. Ari raised his hand, “Mel.” he called. The girl with dark purple eyes turned toward him. when she saw his hand her eyes glowed as if it had caught fire. A bottle soon appeared in his hand.
Ari opened it and drank the water, ignoring Eric who had been staring at it intently but never bother to ask for one. it was weird that the water he had been drinking never seemed to enough and Eric hadn't taken a single sip since they had started the journey.
There had been very recent reports of people settled near the keytone facing faster exhaustion of energy, and of course the management didn't take it seriously at first but when it started hindering people’s work, they decided to give the month -long investigation work to an A ranked squad hoping it would be finished sooner. Which Eric called “a stupid assumption, we don't work faster, we work better.”
Speaking of Eric, Ari hadn't seen the guy drink water since yesterday which was quite ironic since he was the one who was adamant on bringing 100 bottles of water for a 3 week journey before they took a detour to replenish their supplies. The sun was setting and sky barrier rippled as the light bent over it. “How about we take a break here” Lynn asked.
Everyone agreed since she was the one carrying all of Mellissa's research tools and was often recognized as the leader of the squad though the official one was Wynter who was more or less the clown of the group. With the darkness finally setting in, the miniscule frescoed runes of the wall started to emit a faint glow. This was due to some of the aura slipping through the thinner surfaces energizing the nearby inhabitants as they slept, contrary to the reports that said otherwise.
Lynn took out the sleeping bags and handed one to each of them. Them they all sat down together chatting and laughing with each other with while Wynter and Eric were immersed in an analysis of Roman mythology. Ari looked around,
“where’s Mel? He asked.
“Probably a little farther front looking at the runes again, i bet.”
Ari sighed, getting up. “alright, then I’ll give her some company.”
“is something wrong?” Lynn asked, tilting her head.
Ari waved his hand dismissing the thought.
He walk forward in a leisurely pace and could soon seen a silhouette of someone crouching down he walked up to Mel and called “Did you kind find something interesting?” the figure flinched. Two wide black eyes stared back at him.
A child who couldn't have been more than 12 was crouching in front of him. And Mel was nowhere to be found.
Ari sighed, "what are you doing and how did you get here?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
This is quite a decent start here. It really has some fun worldbuilding interlaced in there although I think at some points it got a bit heavier one exposition and I mention that.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well this is a fun little introduction to start off with. Showcasing this grand project that they're all dealing with and managing and how that job takes a toll on all of them. Its a lovely introduction I think to the world. Looking forward to seeing where it goes from here.
Well that's an interesting development. Love the way you introduce that, just a simple little oddity that is being noticed and all of a sudden we're trying our best to figure out what might be causing this.
Well that's an interesting little development that. Gives us an interesting sense of potential impending doom there and another look into the people that are in this party and how they respond.
I will say the exposition is getting a little heavy at this point. I get that it is very needed to understand all of it, but perhaps some of these could be saved for a little later because it is a lot for a reader to remember at once.
Well that seems just the tiniest bit questionable there. I get the feeling something definitely is wrong there or at the very least we're about to witness go horribly wrong here.
Well that is quite the ending there. Love the sheer surprise of it. It really throws you for quite the loop there. Definitely a great point to end a first chapter one I'd say.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think this is quite a solid first chapter here. It really brings out some quite interesting elements. The ending is also very nicely done with the cliffhanger. Overall pretty solid!
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hello @joanna200019 Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..
What I can see
This looks very interesting indeed! There seems to be a close friend group who also work together and are some sort of magical task-protection force who I'm assuming do something like protect the city with their abilities and serve the people and are employed by an agency or the crown or something like that.
I'm very interested to see where all this goes as there seems to be an amazing potential for worldbuilding and the plott can be explosive. They can be underdogs who discover that the people they work for are actually evil and then go through this whole struggle to save the city or they can be those underdogs who discover some great evil plaguing the city and then become heroes by leading the efforts to save everybody.
There is great potential here and I'm very excited to see where this goes.
Under the magnifying glass
However, this whole chapter does leave me feeling a little confused. I feel like there should be some context here, the chapter starts out very suddenly and there is not much information provided so I am a little confused.
Moreover there is not much context about what world we are in, and words for example like, 'aura wielders', 'keytone wall of china', 'Nefien keytone' leave me a touch perplexed.
And, yes, I am aware that every novel has a different set up and doing things differently can often be very rewarding and intriguing, all I'm trying to get across here is that I feel like there needs to be some more context here. Maybe something like a little prologue? Just something that gives readers a little feel of the world.
Another thing I noticed was that there are a few grammatical errors here and there, I think that re-reading your work after writing would be a good idea as that can really help spot there small errors.
W needs to be capitalised here.
Here, it should be bothered and I capital.
In all these quotes the words in bold should begin with a capital letter as a dialogue always starts in a capitalised word. There are two-three more typos, again, I would suggest a re-reading as it is a really simple and effective method of catching these small errors.
Closing the case
Overall this was a very interesting and intriguing start to your story. I am very curious about where this goes and am excited for the coming chapters!
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @khushi17bansal.Until next time!!
—Sherlock Holmes, “A Study in Yellow,” by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle