I hear them. They’re everywhere. I hear silence. There is nothing there. Bones shattering, children laughing, glass breaking, none of it. But I know they’re there. What they are, don’t ask me that. I can't answer what I don’t know. They are they, and they are here and there. Everywhere in my brain, but no where in my waking life. I see them, I hear them, I feel them. I feel air, see shadows in my head, hear bumps in the night. They talk about me. They tell me things I don’t understand, things I can't understand. I know they are there, but I know I am not. I am no where I appear to be. I am with my delusions, away in a place I do not call home. They have intruded my life and taken me down with them. All the nonsense of the world makes sense compared to them. No one understands until they've been with them. Terrified, horrified, stupefied...by nothing.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello , we were just talking a few minutes ago I really love this and its amazing but I don't want to criticize it and everything so I'm going to just say this is amazing cause it is. But you could or should really write more because I'm pretty sure everyone likes this story. Especially me I love i very much now check out my story I'm not done with it but I'm trying Mysteriously IN Love
Hello , we were just talking a few minutes ago I really love this and its amazing but I don't want to criticize it and everything so I'm going to just say this is amazing cause it is. But you could or should really write more because I'm pretty sure everyone likes this story. Especially me I love i very much now check out my story I'm not done with it but I'm trying Mysteriously IN Love
I liked it very much, I thought your descriptions were good, and you really captured what truly goes on during an anxiety attack, something we've all experienced before.
Unfortunate points: The topic became strange and went downhill (in terms of good writing) during the descent to the end. It sounds more like a different topic, such as a war or something, at the end, not an anxiety talk.
It's rather confusing, but then again, an anxiety attack can be too.
Good points: I liked how it was all 1 paragraph; it gave the artwork a cramped, suffocating feeling that fitted the desired emotion of the topic, or at least I hope that is what you intended.
Nice words, especially at the ending.
Overall rating: 7/10.
Good artwork, keep writing!
+1
Hello! Here as requested. ^^
First off, this needs some major editing. All of your i's should be capitalized. You're missing apostrophes in conjunctions, like "can't" and "won't." Commas are missing from some sentences. This felt as if it was rushed, so I suggest you go through and edit it so we can have an easier time reviewing it.
Second, this is a bit over the place. For instance, the first three lines:
You can't hear them, and then hear silence. That doesn't seem realistic. I have a feeling that you meant to say "I see them" so if that was what you meant, I suggest you fix it. And if not, then I suggest you use it. It makes more sense.
Overall, this was jumbled and rambly and all over the place. I'm not too bought on the fact that you conveyed anxiety in a clear matter, because you lost me through this. I do think that you could have done better if you had just slowed down, presented the emotions and the sights and sounds and explained them. Perhaps given some examples; fleshed out the narrator by giving them a name and a better insight on who they are and what they're feeling. This lacked a lot of information and emotion and it was hard to connect with it.
This has a lot of potential, but I feel like it needs some work before it can reach it. But still, it was a good draft, so consider improving it.
The point of the way it is is to help people understand how people think and feel in an anxiety attack. Things don't make sense in an anxiety attack and everything is rushed. I understand your criticism, I may use that to do another one as a short story perhaps, I just feel as though this was a little misunderstood. Thanks for the review though! Appreciated!
That makes more sense. Thank you for explaining!
Hey there joallover! Alex here to review your work in return for you reviewing uh... three of mine XD
I love how your wrote this piece! You wrote it in lots of small, simple sentences to give the impression that it is also very lonely and plain but still scary.
I loved this sentence:
Just a few things to improve:
1) A lot of the 'I's were not capitalized. The ones at the start at sentences and the word I always needs to be capitalized.
2)
I think you mean not.
Overall, interesting piece! Loved reviewing it!
Alex out!
I liked this because you made the feeling of an anxiety attack come to life. I enjoyed your imagery and how it was like you were having an anxiety attack while writing this into what could easily be a rant of you wanted. I enjoyed how you didn't try to fancy things up and make it seem not as real as it is now. And i believe that don't listen about the capitation of the i's because it aids you in the thinking of an person having an attack. not thinking straight and just writing down there thoughts without the though of " oh wait i need to capolize that.
I do agree with laure " is very authentic to an anxiety attack. The descriptions aren't too flat, they are actually just the right amount giving the readers suspense and mystery though if you add in a bit more figurative language. I think the images will be even more vivid and clear. The fear, the desperation of not knowing what is going on and the general mood what the author is feeling will be much much vivid."
Well done, keep writing love
~Fallen
Happy Review Day!
I'd just like to say that this captures an anxiety attack beautifully. All the emotions and feelings of one are in here. This is just so wonderful. I did realize none of your "I's" are capitalized. That bothers me a little bit. All in all, this is a beautiful piece! Keep writing!
~Sarai
I don't think I can say much about this, except everything here is very authentic to an anxiety attack. The descriptions aren't too flat, they are actually just the right amount giving the readers suspense and mystery though if you add in a bit more figurative language. I think the images will be even more vivid and clear. The fear, the desperation of not knowing what is going on and the general mood what the author is feeling will be much much vivid.
I know this may be hard to do, because descriptive writing does take skill to master but I'm not master myself so I can't very well tell you what to do and what not do. What to add in is always up to you.
Last, I notices some I were not capitalized, and the apostrophe were missing in cant and dont here and there. Now, I don't know if this is intentional or not. If it is intentional, then is a very nice effect but add a footnote to let the readers know so you can avoid the correction.
Overall, a very authentic tale of an anxiety attack. Well done!
-Laure
Whoa. This sounds realistic, just as the genres state. I like what you've managed to write during an anxiety attack--it can be scary. I don't have much to review as this has been written during an anxiety attack, but I'll nonetheless just help you to generally improve.
Watch capitalization, I know, I know, anyone under anxiety wouldn't pay attention to petty things such as capitalization but this is for future references. Look at the "I"s.
Not much to correct on grammar, but there was this once place where "don't" was missing an apostrophe....
Nice description of your own personal experience!