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Scene 2: Debriefing

by jimss23

Continuation of my previous story arc. Characters are genetically modified humans called Cygens. They work for a special division of the security force that handles Cygen related crime and threats. Here is a brief overview of the characters.

Cpt. Chrys Mercier: Leader of the team. Red hair, slender yet muscular build. She has electromagnetic powers.

Col. Michael Hughes: Assistant Director of the team. Old war vet. Graying hair. He is not a Cygen.

Sgt. Batista Ramirez: Second in command. Average height, dark skin. White hair, like all members of his generation of Cygen.(Gen III)

Spc. Terrell Machavoy: Technical support for the team. Large black male with bizarre eyes.

Spc. Abigail De'flour: Infiltration and Recon specialist.

Cpl. Donna Smith: Elimination expert

Pvt. Ino Vitias: Investigation specialist.


Scene 2: Debriefing

(Scene opens with the team sitting in Michael's office/Briefing room. They are musing among themselves and chatting.)

Batista: Hey boss! When we gonna get started with this meeting?

Michael: The captain has decided to take her sweet time. We are waiting for her to get here. 

Batista: (grumbling) Well, you could at least fill us in on the details of last night's mission. You barely had time to explain it before you had us mobilize.

Michael: I know. We didn't have much time for explanation. Time was of the essence. I guess I can explain it now. I will fill Chrys in later. Now, for the details.

(Michael taps a button on his desk. A monitor on the other side of the room lights up to show the face of the dead man.)

Michael: This was Mr. Seyero Namara.

Donna: Fun name.

Michael: He was a scientist working for the Golden Star Construction Company. He was working on developing a new type of building material Golden Star is calling "smart concrete".

Donna: We blew up a guy that makes cement?

Michael: It's not that simple. Mr. Namara's finances took a turn for the worst. His wife left him and took their kids with her. He racked up quite a debt trying to recover. In summary, he was a very desperate man. Mr. Namara decided that he would pay off his debts by stealing the plans for the "smart concrete" and fleeing to Sino-Korea to sell to the highest bidder. 

Batista: People would want to buy plans about some concrete?

Terrell: You would be surprised. Advanced building materials are incredibly valuable to companies trying to sell materials repair the damage from the last war. This concrete idea could have been worth quite a bit.

Ino: Still doesn't explain why we blew him up. Or why we were even involved in the first place. We handle Cygen cases, not corporate theft. 

Michael: I'm getting there. The problem was the server that he stole it from. Apparently, according to Division 3, the data was being stored on a high-sec server. Mr. Namara used his access code to open the server and steal the files. However, he did a sloppy job and ended up getting more than he bargained for.

Terrell: Don't tell me the boys from Division 3 did one of their deep cover plants of vital data?

Michael: Exactly.

(Terrell groans)

Ino: I'm missing something here. What is a deep cover plant?

Terrell: One of the biggest problems with massive amounts of highly sensitive data is that it has to be stored somewhere. Few years ago the government was having serious problems with hackers trying to infiltrate government servers. As a solution, Division 3 started hiding information in various servers throughout the net. They have an access code of course, which allows them to bring it all back. Virtually untraceable, and one hacked server doesn't mean we lose everything.

Ino: Sounds like the perfect plan to me.

Terrell: I'm sure it does. It looks good on paper too. Problem is it's got two key flaws. One, if someone steals the files like our friend here did, they have taken a bunch of valuable data without even knowing it. People might target the different servers without even realizing it. The second flaw is that the servers are exposed to any kind of manual interference meaning that if anyone messes with the hardware they can acquire the files without us being able to do anything.

Ino: Those seem like some pretty major flaws.

Donna: I have to agree. That seems pretty stupid.

Terrell: Yes, it was. Division 3 thought that if they hid the data in high-sec servers with useless data on them that no one would target the data on them. I'm sure a server about concrete seemed like the perfect hiding spot.

Michael: A situation like this is Division 3's worst nightmare. Moreover, the data that was stolen contained data relevant to the Cygen III project.

Donna: Explains why we were brought in. They really need to keep better track of their stuff. We can't go around firing railguns at every unfortunate, washed up hack who steals some data. It's overkill.

Michael: Nia and I will handle the political elements of the case. We will make the necessary cover story and the official statement.

(The door slides open and Chrys walks in. Everyone turns to face her.)

Michael: You're late.

Chrys: Had some business to take care of this morning. I'm here now. 

Michael: We can talk about this later. For now, Ino and Terrell, show us what you've found.

(End Transition)   


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1080 Reviews

Points: 99380
Reviews: 1080

Sun Oct 29, 2017 5:18 am
Mea wrote a review...

Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review this lovely Review Day.

First off, a script! Cool! I don't get to see very many of those on here.

If you're serious about script writing, you probably already know this, but just in case: probably the best thing you can do to improve your script writing is to not only watch movies, but actually read scripts. I read a few of the Doctor Who scripts just out of interest a year or so ago, and it was really enlightening to see what's put down on the page vs. what winds up on the screen. It also really highlights how different movie dialogue is vs. book dialogue.

As I'm sure you know, since this is a script, getting your dialogue right is absolutely essential, as it's 90%+ of any given script. Right now, however, this reads more like book dialogue than movie dialogue, and more importantly it feels somewhat artificial and stilted. Your character don't really jump off the page - I can see some differences between them, but they just don't feel fully realized, and the biggest reason is because the dialogue feels unnatural. Right now, it just feels like the generic Guy Explaining Things with the Grumpy One, Sarcastic One, and the others, who blend together.

I guess my big tip for dialogue is to really get into the mindset of each individual character, and then go through and read the dialogue out loud. If you find yourself tripping over words or if phrases just sound odd, trust your gut - those are what need work.

Script Formatting:
My other suggestion, which should help with the characters feeling stilted, is to add more body language. In the scripts I've read, the screenwriter does give a guideline of the character's body language to help the actors know how to express what their character is feeling. Essentially, your script can be more than just dialogue and basic actions. Other than that, the formatting was clear and easy to read, except that usually brackets [ ] are used for actions, not parenthesis.

Actual Plot
I like the Cygens and I especially think it's interesting how these Cygens are working against other Cygens as part of this security force. I also thought the smart concrete was cool, and that the explanations overall made sense.

However, he did a sloppy job and ended up getting more than he bargained for.

I'm going to question this for a few reasons. First off, yeah, the deep data dump comes across as kind of dumb. Really, the best way to secure information is to keep it somewhere secret on a hard drive not connected to the internet. Spreading it out like this does help protect from the attacks, but what if one of those servers not under their control goes down? They'd lose the information completely unless they have a back-up. (Or maybe they do have a back up in a disconnected hard drive somewhere, and this setup is only used so they can access the information easily?)

More importantly, even from what little I know about coding, I'd be surprised if a "sloppy job" would get him more files than he needed, rather than less, though I suppose it's possible. But surely he'd just delete the extra files? I just think a little more explanation would be good here, especially of how they know that he has this data *and* knows what it is.

But overall, this is a pretty good start to an interesting storyline! Good luck, and keep writing!

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364 Reviews

Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

Sun Oct 08, 2017 2:16 pm
zaminami wrote a review...

Hello, jimss23! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!

White hair, like all members of his generation of Cygen.(Gen III)

You need a space between the period and "(Gen III)".


Make this longer. This isn't nearly long enough for an entire scene. I should know: I'm in the play industry myself.

Confusing things:

Characters are genetically modified humans called Cygens

One of the characters isn't a Cygen though.

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:

This idea, technology, and thought process is out of this world - literally! I was very impressed by the world building I saw there, very good job. This is my overall reaction.


Very good, with explanation said above. This being so short, I don't really have anything to say about it, so good job.

Give me your soul --



This review courtesy of

jimss23 says...

Thanks for the review!
I know the scene is a little short. It's actually the first part of a single scene but I didn't want to put the whole thing as some people don't like to review super long stuff. I do need to work on clarifying the characters though.

Thanks again for the review,

zaminami says...

:D gotcha. Maybe put an author's note then saying that :D

jimss23 says...

Will do!

I’d heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word “utilize” instead of “use".
— Patrick Rothfuss, A Wise Man's Fear