z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Meeting with the Russians

by jimss23


Shujaa pushed the door open and entered the room. Sitting on Nia’s couches was a man and a woman. The man was larger than average dressed in a jacket with fur around the hood. He had tattoos on his neck and his hair was cut into a mohawk.

Next to him was a beautiful girl with pale white skin. She was wearing form-fitting clothing, leather pants and a white long-sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Her hair, her most unique feature, was pure white. It was shaved short on one side and long on the other tossed over to the side. Nia was standing by the window again, staring out at the city.

“Viktoriya, Matvei. What are you all doing here?” Shujaa asked, a hint of irritation in his voice. The man, Matvei, who had been sprawled out on the couch, sat up straight.

“You’re gonna have to ask her, chuvak,” he said, pointing at Viktoriya. “I’m just here for ‘moral support’”

Shujaa turned to Viktoriya. “Then what are you doing here?”

“Why so cold, detka? We just wanted to say hi,” Viktoriya said, giving Shujaa her signature half-deranged smile.

Shujaa rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure you did.”

Viktoriya sighed. “Fine. I have a message from the bosses.”

Nia nodded twice but didn’t look away from staring out the window. “Go ahead. I’m listening.”

“They wanna see Shujaa,” Viktoriya said, shrugging. “Something about his time in Xie Ping. Not sure. Didn’t really pay a lot of attention.”

Shujaa groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Well, that’s vague. When and where do they want to see me?”

Viktoriya smiled. “Avalon Gardens, tomorrow morning.”

Nia turned around to face her guests. “Do I need to be there?”

“Mom didn’t say anything about you. I mean, I guess you can come if you want,” Viktoriya said, giving Nia a quick glance.

Nia clenched her teeth and furrowed her eyebrows at the young Russian. “I see Valda didn’t bother to teach her children any manners.”

Shujaa raised a hand in an attempt to calm Nia. “Aight, I’ll be there. Who wants to see me?”

Viktoriya looked up at the ceiling, thinking. “I think it is just my mom and the Commander Garrison if I remember right. That young Chinese guy from the Three Tigers might show, not really sure.”

“Ok, tell them I’ll be there,” Shujaa said, rubbing his eyebrows.

“Excellent, I’ll see ya then, detka,” Viktoriya said, with a twisted smile.

“Oh, dear god,” Shujaa sighed, softly.

Matvei stood up from the couch. “Khorosho, Viktoriya. Vremya idti.”

Viktoriya gave a small frown. “Ok, Ok.”

Matvei walked out, Viktoriya close behind him. As she passed Shujaa she leaned in. “Don’t be a stranger, baby,” she whispered.

Shujaa chuckled. “Alright there, Viktoriya. See you tomorrow,” he responded.

Nia and Shujaa watched as the two Russians left the penthouse. When the door closed, Nia turned to face Shujaa directly.

“I don’t like it,” Nia grumbled.

“It’s just a meeting, Boss. They just wanna ask me a few questions,” Shujaa said, trying to be upbeat.

“I could care less about the meeting, Shujaa. It’s the Russians. They’ve been slowly expanding their influence while you were gone. Now they send to enforcers here, to my building, and make demands,” Nia growled, downing her drink. “They show no respect, no deference. It’s infuriating.”

Shujaa went over to the kitchen counter and poured himself a glass of whiskey. “It’s Viktoriya, Boss. She’s not the most tactful person in the city.”

Nia sat down on her couch and began rubbing her hands together. “It’s not that little Russian bitch that is the problem, Shujaa. It’s the fact they came here, to me, first. There is something off about it.”

“I don’t catch your meaning, Boss. What’s wrong with them coming here?” Shujaa asked, sipping on his drink.

“The Russians have been edging into my turf recently. Now they come here and start making demands of my enforcers. They don’t even bother to speak to Michael or Terrell first. They treat me like a common gang leader,” Nia said, agitated.

“I think you are blowing this out of proportion, Boss. That’s usually my job,” Shujaa joked.

Nia looked up at him, eyes full of anger and determination. “Not funny. I think it is time that they learned a little lesson.”

Shujaa sat down across from her. “What’s the plan? Need me to handle something?”

Nia sat there, staring at her hands, thinking. She finally looked up and stared Shujaa right in the eyes. “I need a display of force. Something that will remind them of my power.”

Shujaa finished his drink. “Something I can do?” he asked.

“There is a minor casino on the border of my territory with the Russians. The Golden Ram. I’ve heard that the Russians have been secretly funding them. I want it gone,” Nia said, nodding a few times.

“Discrete or shock and awe?” Shujaa asked, rubbing his chin.

Nia seemed to relax a little, leaning back. “Shock and awe. Send a message. A big one.”

Shujaa smiled. “You’re the boss. I’m gonna take Chrys with me, she’s been aching for something to do, from what I’ve heard.”

“Indeed, she has. Just promise me you can keep control over her,” Nia said, smirking.

Shujaa chuckled. “No problemo, mon Capitan.”

Nia stood up and walked towards the windows. “Now, get out of here and don’t come back till that place is burnt down.”

“Ya don’t need to tell me twice,” Shujaa mumbled. He rose from his seat on the couch and walked out the door of the penthouse into the antechamber. God, this is gonna be fun He thought, smiling.


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Fri Mar 23, 2018 11:24 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

So, first question, which I didn't even consider until I glanced over Iggy's review: is this a first chapter? From the way it's written, it sounds more like the later part of a story, but you didn't label it as any particular chapter so I'm not sure. If it is the opening of a story, I think it could work with a little cleaning up - although not every reader will like it, starting off this way, because they might feel lost right from the beginning.

(If this is a middle chapter you obviously don't have to worry about that.)

I'm also curious because I see you tagged it as sci-fi! I'm wondering how the Russian mob will end up tying into the science fiction elements elsewhere in the story.

I like that I have a clear idea of what's going on in this chapter, even though I haven't read any other parts of the story. Just from this one small section, I know that Nia is the boss of a crime organization, Shujaa works for her crime organization, and Viktoriya and Matvei work for the Russian mob and Viktoriya, at least, is probably a pretty important member. And I know all this without ever feeling like there was any sort of infodump where you were like "Viktoriya and Matvei, who were high-ranking members of the Russian mob..." Instead, I learned all this through things the characters did and said - Nia talking about the Russians moving in on her turf, Shujaa calling her "Boss" and taking orders from her, Viktoriya's casual attitude and the way she takes the lead in giving the message from the Russians. It's fantastic how much information you were able to give without it feeling like you were giving information.

That said, there were moments where I felt like you repeated yourself. For example,

“I could care less about the meeting, Shujaa. It’s the Russians. They’ve been slowly expanding their influence while you were gone. Now they send to enforcers here, to my building, and make demands,” Nia growled, downing her drink. “They show no respect, no deference. It’s infuriating.”


“The Russians have been edging into my turf recently. Now they come here and start making demands of my enforcers. They don’t even bother to speak to Michael or Terrell first. They treat me like a common gang leader,” Nia said, agitated.


In two different speeches from Nia, we have mention of the Russians edging into her turf and sending enforcers. The first one was fine, but the second one felt repetitive. You could solve this problem by keeping the last two sentences - about Michael and Terrell and treating Nia like a common gang leader - while deleting the two sentences that repeat information from the previous paragraph.

It also felt weird to me how casual Viktoriya was with her message? To be fair, I don't know much about her as a person. But it was weird the way her whole message was like "I think they want to speak to you, or something. This person and some other guy. I think they told me this, but I forget." It was just sort of bizarre how unclear her message was, considering the mob entrusted it to her, although if her character is always like this then it might be fine. Just something to be aware of.

Finally, because you used the b-word in this chapter, I'd suggest giving this some sort of content rating for language so users can choose to steer clear if they prefer.

Write on!
BlueAfrica




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Fri Mar 23, 2018 5:14 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey there! Just dropping by to give a quick review :) I think this might be the beginning of the novel? If not, then I apologize, as I have not read anything prior to this, so I will be basing my review off of this chapter alone.

Sitting on Nia’s couches was a man and a woman.


Were*

The man was larger than average dressed in a jacket


You need a comma after the word "average".

pale white skin.


You don't need to say both pale and white since they both mean the same thing. You can opt for either but I recommend going with pale since it's more appropriate, in my opinion.

“I’m just here for ‘moral support’”


Be mindful of your punctuation! You need a period, or a full stop, to end your sentence here.

"Ok, tell them


I recommend spelling okay out all the way, as I personally think it's a bit lazy to not do so in a novel. :P

God, this is gonna be fun


You need a comma at the end of this sentence.


Okay, so those are some of the nitpicks I found. Just be more mindful of your punctuation and be sure to reread your chapters before posting them, since these mistakes can easily be found while rereading. I like the pace that you have, but take the time to slow down and improve your imagery. For example, you briefly describe the visitors, but you do so very quickly, and rather plainly. Nothing about them stood out to me. Take your time with describing some things, like events or people, so they stick out in the readers' mind. This doesn't mean make them all super unique; just describe them a bit nicer. :P

Other than that, you're off to a great start! I hope this review helped. :)

- Iggs





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