Hi there!
So, first question, which I didn't even consider until I glanced over Iggy's review: is this a first chapter? From the way it's written, it sounds more like the later part of a story, but you didn't label it as any particular chapter so I'm not sure. If it is the opening of a story, I think it could work with a little cleaning up - although not every reader will like it, starting off this way, because they might feel lost right from the beginning.
(If this is a middle chapter you obviously don't have to worry about that.)
I'm also curious because I see you tagged it as sci-fi! I'm wondering how the Russian mob will end up tying into the science fiction elements elsewhere in the story.
I like that I have a clear idea of what's going on in this chapter, even though I haven't read any other parts of the story. Just from this one small section, I know that Nia is the boss of a crime organization, Shujaa works for her crime organization, and Viktoriya and Matvei work for the Russian mob and Viktoriya, at least, is probably a pretty important member. And I know all this without ever feeling like there was any sort of infodump where you were like "Viktoriya and Matvei, who were high-ranking members of the Russian mob..." Instead, I learned all this through things the characters did and said - Nia talking about the Russians moving in on her turf, Shujaa calling her "Boss" and taking orders from her, Viktoriya's casual attitude and the way she takes the lead in giving the message from the Russians. It's fantastic how much information you were able to give without it feeling like you were giving information.
That said, there were moments where I felt like you repeated yourself. For example,
“I could care less about the meeting, Shujaa. It’s the Russians. They’ve been slowly expanding their influence while you were gone. Now they send to enforcers here, to my building, and make demands,” Nia growled, downing her drink. “They show no respect, no deference. It’s infuriating.”
“The Russians have been edging into my turf recently. Now they come here and start making demands of my enforcers. They don’t even bother to speak to Michael or Terrell first. They treat me like a common gang leader,” Nia said, agitated.
In two different speeches from Nia, we have mention of the Russians edging into her turf and sending enforcers. The first one was fine, but the second one felt repetitive. You could solve this problem by keeping the last two sentences - about Michael and Terrell and treating Nia like a common gang leader - while deleting the two sentences that repeat information from the previous paragraph.
It also felt weird to me how casual Viktoriya was with her message? To be fair, I don't know much about her as a person. But it was weird the way her whole message was like "I think they want to speak to you, or something. This person and some other guy. I think they told me this, but I forget." It was just sort of bizarre how unclear her message was, considering the mob entrusted it to her, although if her character is always like this then it might be fine. Just something to be aware of.
Finally, because you used the b-word in this chapter, I'd suggest giving this some sort of content rating for language so users can choose to steer clear if they prefer.
Write on!
BlueAfrica
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Reviews: 1735
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