The red lipstick was a little ridiculous.
It was two-thirty pm on a cloudy Tuesday; she was dropping off a shared liability not dropping in for a drink.
Walter wonders if she does this on purpose; the clingy black dresses, the smoky soft eyelids, the closed lipped half-smile. He wonders if she knows how it makes him feel.
“I made him mac n’ cheese but he didn’t eat much.” She says in lieu of greeting, in lieu of apology, in lieu of explaining.
Walter’s son races past his parents and into the house without a word to either of them.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: OKay....well this is very much on the very short side here, it does seem a little incomplete...but it was an interesting little scene...so I thought I'd take a look here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is an interesting start here, its certainly quite an interesting little beginning that you've got over here, describing this woman here and saying that from what I can see she is somehow overdressed for the occasion. And well, that's an interesting addition at any rate, let's see how that ends up playing into the rest of things here. Hmm...the subtle reference to what the time and weather is like is also quite a fun addition, definitely helps establish all the setting for this situation here, but uh..let's see what happens then I suppose.
Hmm....well...it looks like this Walter here is the main character here and I'm guessing this woman here is somehow Walter's wife here, judging by the way that he talks here at any rate, and mentions how she might be doing that on purpose just to get him to notice, well, and I suppose the biggest point to support that theory is the fact that there is a son here that just happens to be running past "his parents"....hmm....well at any rate while that was a fun theory to solve and this certainly is an interesting little scene here I don't think that this is really going to be sufficient for an actual ending here...its kind of abrupt here....I don't think this really seems to have gone anywhere here....in that sense.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was a fun little scene, definitely makes you think a little...but....I do think this is a little incomplete here, it needs to have a little more added to it before it can be a full story here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is so nice! It's short and sweet and mysterious. I really wish it was longer because I have so many questions! Are these two divorced and and she's trying to get him back? Did the mother cheat on the husband and that's why he sounds bitter? Does the kid prefer his dad more or does he not even care? I didn't find anything wrong with this piece other than it's length so please write more! Good job! It's short and simple and perfect.
This is ridiculously short. You don't have much of a hook and I really don't know the main character or any information about anything that's happening other than the setting. I didn't see any purposein this writing and I didn't really inflict any emotion on me other than confusion. However, if there were to be a swap of sentences with a different paragraph replacing your current hook, I may be more interestested. Put a little more thought into it and give it a good plotline. The situation definitely needs explaining.
Hello.
So this was freshly written today.
Hmm. I don't know what to make of this work. It's interesting but really short. Almost too short.
'The red lipstick was a little ridiculous.' What red lipstick? This just comes out of nowhere with no introduction; and doesn't really make sense. It's not much of a hook either, because there isn't an interesting fact provided about the lipstick, it's just lipstick.
'It was two-thirty pm on a cloudy Tuesday; she was dropping off a shared liability not dropping in for a drink.' Ok, so now you explain it. But you're using ambiguous language here: 'shared liability' I assume (without reading further) that you mean a child.
Maybe that's the persepctive of the character.. I really hope so... because it's harsh to say otherwise.
Walter wonders if she does this on purpose; the clingy black dresses, the smoky soft eyelids, the closed lipped half-smile. He wonders if she knows how it makes him feel.' You seem to have randomly changed POV here without telling the reader and I have no idea who your protagonist is at this point in time.
'“I made him mac n’ cheese but he didn’t eat much.” She says in lieu of greeting, in lieu of apology, in lieu of explaining. ' The repetition in the writing after the dialogue doesn't work. Sorry... but it just seems like you couldn't think of anything else to say. :/
'Walter’s son races past his parents and into the house without a word to either of them. ' There isn't a purpose to this story, it's an event. I don't understand what you're writing about or why.
This needs some serious editing.
Hi there! Lisa here for a review.
"It was two-thirty pm on a cloudy Tuesday; she was dropping off a shared liability not dropping in for a drink."
I'm not quite sure whether 'two-thirty pm' would be accepted as words. I would advise that you use it in numerals, '2.30pm'. I'm not quite sure on this one, so I wouldn't want to deceive you. I'll check that out.
"shared liability not dropping in for a drink."
There should be a pause after 'liability', therefore a comma should be inserted.
Other than that, I can't seem to find any other errors, but it might take a much experienced writer to do so. I like how you described the character in just one powerful sentence. Loved it.
I'm looking forward to more of these short stories! They're amazing. Keep up the good work!
This was not much of a critique, but I hope it helped!
Keep writing!
-Lisa.
Hey, Huda here for a review.
Although its a very short piece of work, but it totally speaks of your writing skills and your strong grasp on words. In just one sentence you've described the whole setting. The way you've described the woman is great as it helps the reader sketch the woman in his/her mind. The story is short but beautifully written. Keep writing. I'm eager to read your next stories.