Published November 12, 2009
Fell in love
Got up in hate
Should’ve know this guy was a mess from the first date
He was late
didn’t tell me I looked great
N Lord knows I did
But I thought to myself “ah that’s old folk stuff, were just kids”
Can’t believe we went on another and another after that
I recall him telling his friends that I was getting awfully fat
Love was blinding me from seeing what was really going down
It wasn’t until I looked deep in his eyes to find that no love was found
So I called him up and said this has to end
I swore he grinned
Before he said “I never wanted you anyways”
I knew it was the truth, a truth that would hurt for days
I can only be glad that the relationship didn’t sail in something worse
Instead the ship sunk, in only a week it was cracked and burst
We still cross ways I look at him, he looks at me
When we recoil and turn away I know truly it was never meant to be
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140,790 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
This is a poem that I'm sure many people can relate to. I thought it was very good, I could feel your emotion through your words. But the lines are pretty long. Maybe you could put a few more commas here and there or just start a new line. But other than that, it was really good and I enjoyed it.
This is a poem. Technically.
I want you to do something for me. Read "Annabell Lee" by Poe. Now I don't expect you to be as good a Poe, but examine the feelings in the poem.
This poem was... boring. Unless they had direct experience with a relationship of this kind, it held no interest for the reader.
Don't get me wrong, it could have been good, but the problem was it had no climax. Anything is boring if it has no climax.
Example:
Bob went sky diving. All went well.
Even though sky diving is in itself, exciting, just like a relationship. If there is no climax, it doesn't hold your attention. If, however it went something like this, it would be more interesting to the reader.
Bob went sky diving. As he jumped, the shoot failed to open all the way. He had to wrestle with it in mid air. Finally he got it open! All went well.
Wow, I can totaly relate to that. I even understood it really well. It was nicely written and I loved it. Nice job
looks better if written like this
I just used God since it fits in perfectly
Pretty much learn to have a standard length for each line. Find a rhythm. A poem is like a song not sung but instead read
I really like this and I understand it a lot. The only thing that I would say is that you need to cut down the long lines and maybe but them on another line.