My husband is a theif
He took everything from me
The first thing he stole was my abilities
The ability to laugh, do as I want and even breathe
Being with him is something to grieve
The second thing he took was my virginity
Late nights lies of I love you didn't seem like lies because I couldn't see
The third thing he took was my very life
Just a month before he pronounced me as his wife
30 days into the marriage he said enough
Packed up and shipped out with his and all my stuff
The fourth thing he took was all the money I had saved
He forced me to write on my Will "Give it all to Dave"
I rest in heaven now but I wish this theif would get caught
God assured me of something last night though and said "Don't give him another thought"
Looking down upon earth I see Dave running from a police car
I hug God and cry "Thanks for not letting him get far."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hey!
I liked it. It was very interesting, and had mature subject matter.
The thing is, though, is that your poem consists of more telling then actually showing. I'd try to do quite the opposite. Aussie also mentioned how your poem didn't provoke more reactions, and that resulted from telling instead of showing. We know Dave is an abusive husband, that he would murder and lie to get what he wants. But we haven't seen him actually do it. If we had, we might have been a lot angrier at Dave, and a ton more sympathetic towards his wife.
Secondly, your rhyming scheme was a bit strange. I know you did AABBCC etc., but you had one extra line which didn't fit in. This line was your first. Since you have an odd number of lines, I'd suggest adding a line so your poem doesn't sound a weird in the first read-through.
Lastly, you spelled thief. That's easy to correct.
Overall, your poem was really good! It needs some polishing, but otherwise I thought it was a very well thought out poem.
Keep writing!
~blu
Very good, very interesting subject matter, very intense, mature and dramatic. I would probably re-do the typing, like put it in stanzas or something. The third from last sentence seems a bit long, maybe cut it to:
:God assured me of last night, "Don't give him another thought"
See? I would check spelling, but that seems about it. I liked it.
Hey there! Um, I give it a 3 out of 5. I like the subject matter. On one hand, there really aren't enough poems about things that matter, like what you've written about. On the other hand, it doesn't evoke much reaction. After reading a poem like this, a reader should want to go out and give that Dave fellow something to think about! I found myself thinking, Wait, what happened to Dave.
So I'm going to quote the oldest writing mantra in the book: Show, don't tell. Maybe you want to show the scene where Dave caresses the wife's cheek, whispers something poisonously sweet in her ear and demands that she gives everything to him. Maybe you want to show the reader how how lips curl up like the smile of the Cheshire Cat when he hits her. It's these kind of juicy details that make the reader want to give the wife a big hug, or give Dave a big punch.
A little nit-picky thing before I say tootle-oo: see if you can get the lines to be closer together in length. It looks weird when some lines are only a few words and others sprawl across the page.
Okay then, toodle-oo!
~Aussie