Published December 22, 2010
Okay so I haven't wrote anything for ages and now I'm really feeling the need to get something down. I'm going to need all the help I can get, so go ahead, rip it to pieces 
! I'm taking my time getting into chapter one but I will add to this
Preface
I never considered how my life would be when I grew up. I didn't consider how I wanted to spend my big eighteenth birthday. I didn't consider what I wanted my wedding to be like, what I wanted to name my children or how I wanted to live my life and if I had, I definitely wouldn't have picture it like this. I stared at the finished project and a slow smile crept across my face.
I began to realize that if I hadn't taken that chance my life definitely wouldn't have turned out like this. Some people my age may say I was crazy but I just can not regret any of it. As I turned my back, the young girl, stared, at me, at him and at our life and I just knew this was what she craved, but she wasn't getting any of it. It was all mine and I treasured it with everything I had.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,871 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
I really like the start! It really got me intreged. You should consider writing more, I would love to read it!
Thank you so much
After getting a bad comment it's nice to see someone who liked it 
I shall let you know when I add more 
I really like this a lot. It's a good preface, because it leaves the reader wondering which in turn make them want to read more
so good job on that part. 
I like that in the first paragraph the MC is reflecting on her life. I can't wait to read more of this story! 
good luck 
Hello there, Jessica! I hope your holidays are going swell!
This sounds strikingly similar to the first line of Twilight. If I remember correctly, the first line of the Twilight book is, "I'd never given much thought to how I would die." Perhaps it is just because Twilight has become so popular with teenage girls and middle-aged woman who like fantasizing about vampire boys is why I recognized the line's striking similarities to Twilight's first line. You have to be careful having a line that sounds too close to a popular franchise's first line. For me, at least, it threw me off track of the reading.
Actually, the whole preface kind of reminded me of the first few lines of Twilight, to be honest. The whole "taking that chance" and "some may say I'm crazy" parts especially. However, I found this a bit confusing and too unexplained to make sense to the reader. I understand you are trying to add in an element of mystery, but as readers, to understand a story (even a preface), you have to explain some things. This story had my head spinning from confusion. At first I was assuming that the man in question was her husband, boyfriend, whatever, and that the young girl was her daughter - but then you go and say "she wasn't getting any of it. It was all mine..." etcetera, which made me confused, as a mother wouldn't say that about/dealing with her daughter.
This said, I also was a bit confused (once again - the air of mystery isn't working how you wanted it, all you are doing is causing confusion to the reader, or at least me) when she refers to the "finished project." I assume she is talking about her life, but it just feels "off" to me. Like, I have never met someone who refers to their life as a project, so it jumped out at me as a bit odd.
Overall, however, I felt this had too many similarities to the Twilight book(s), and a whole lot of confusion that really made me want to stop reading. I suggest you go back and rewrite this, because at the moment it is much too sketchy. However, that's what drafts are for. Remember, when trying to add the thrill of mystery, don't confuse your reader! If you can't follow your own plot, no one else can, either.
I hope this helps,
Mizzle
Thank you
Yeah I'm sorry there's not much I'm just trying to get into the first chapter, as soon as it's up I promise to PM you 
I was starting to read the beginning of this and scrolled down ahead of time, prepared to go ahead and dig into a long keep on rolling page or two, but was shocked when I found out how short this was. I think it would be better for you to add the first chapter with this when you write it.
Good Work. Keep writing-
Anyways this was good. Brought me in to the story and makes me want to know more about it. PM and when you start posting more of this
Aly-son