Published November 8, 2008
Subject: You probably don't want to read this.
I just can't stop thinking about you.
I hate you for that,
Even though I know you aren't making me,
I'm certainly not going to blame myself.
I don't really want you to reply,
And I'm sure you didn't want to either,
But I only wanted you to know,
I just can't stop thinking about you.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,573 Literary Works • 673,519 Reviews
Hey there. I don't' believe we've met. I'm carelessaussie. It's a thing. Anyway.
Things I liked: I liked the way you could interpret anything you wanted from the words there. It was very open. I liked that the first and last lines were the same; it gave the poem a feeling of that circular thought that's so annoying and so inevitable and always makes you feel somewhat dizzy. Very real.
Things I didn't like: you were basically telling us "I can't stop thinking about you." Okay, well, why do I care? I didn't like how short it was. That's like showing us a huge yummy piece of birthday cake and then only letting us have one single bite.
How to Help it out: I suggest adding imagery and feelings. What does it feel like when you hate this guy/girl? Is it like someone's stretching out your heart a little at a time? Is it like someone's playing drums on your chest? Are you gnashing your teeth? Biting your lip? I know you're sticking to the little blurb feel of an e-mail, but there's a reason people don't write that way very often. It's tough. Expand it out. Give thereader something to savor.
Good luck editing?
Toodles!