Hi I'm Kira, a 13 year old girl who's the laughing stock of her friends because i have never kissed a guy .
In two days i will be turning 14, I really need to kiss before I'm 14 because even some of my friends have already lost there virginity, i really do not want to be the girl in the year books who has never kissed how will it look to my children if i have some. 
My Best Friend Tonia ( Yeah Its A girls name as well ) and i are going down to the mall to find a date so i can have my first kiss.
When we got there i sat down in Starbucks pulled my top down a bit and lifted my mini skirt to wait for a guy to ask me on a date.
Three cups of mocha later and finally a Cute guy came to the table but only for Tonia.
Toni and the guy started to talk and he said that he had a cute single friend called Alex, So we got his number. 
Later that day i finally got the courage to ask the guy for a date and he said yes were going on the date tonight, in a fancy Italian and yes he's paying! 
I'm going to get a kiss ! i repeated a million times .
Its 6pm And I'm waiting for Alex to come, i wonder what he looks like?
Ding Dong The Doorbell Went So i opened the door and there the eye candy of my dreams, ooh i so wish my parents weren't in tonight.
We got On the bus and talked about our hobbies and we were so alike and he lives next door to the Italian restaurant as well.
We got off the bus and we grabbed a table for two and sat down .
We were gazing into one another's eyes then out of the blue he held my hand and he said ' You're eyes there exquisite!' and i got a tingly feeling like you do when watching love films when they finally have sex.
then the food came, he ordered spaghetti to share and salad on the side for us, i just hope for us to join our spaghetti and kiss and sure enough we did the kiss turned into a snog and before i knew it i was inside his house all alone with him watching love actually on the sofa the clock struck 9pm My curfu so i rushed home before my parents knew i was gone.
when i went home i went too bed and waited for my birthday the next morning.
i woke up to find my presents laid out and my parents gone to work so i got dressed to go to school.
on my way to school i heard a voice behind me shouting Kira i turned around to see Alex running behind .
i said to him '' hi what do you want then babe?'' he said '' just to give you you're gift but open it later in class maybe ''.
so i went to school and opened it there in front of all my friends to prove them wrong. the give was layered and layered with paper until i found a tiny note that said '' Do You my exquisite eyed Kira want to be my girlfriend?
if so meet me at my house tonight 6pm for you're gift'' All my friends Were jealous and my friend Fifi said to me '' I know what the gift is , i think its sex and a candle lit dinner for two so where you're saucy lingerie chick''.
I was Worried about losing my virginity but i guess that its better to lose it on you're birthday.
Later At 6pm I got on the Bus to Alex's House i Was So Exited In My Purse I Was Fully Equipped With condoms and that sort.
there was the stop to his house i got of and knocked on his door.
''hiya Kira guess it was a yes then?''
Alex said whilst sweeping me up into the air .
he showed me into his house and made me shut my eyes, ''ready for you're gift?'' he said i nodded my head and opened my eyes there was a naked 14 year old with a hot 6 pack naked on a double bed with a bracelet for me i put it on and jumped onto the bed and whipped my clothes off to snuggle up with him also he did have a big you know what oh it was the best birthday of my life it was just how my first time was imagined but better .
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,821 Reviews
Hey, guys, this is getting kind of ridiculous. It doesn't take twenty-eight people to say the same thing. When the author visits the site again, I will unlock this.
(Haha, random, but when I started reading this piece the song "Kiss" by Korn came on. Just a hint of irony.
)
I predict that this girl, Kira, is going to be a prostitute...
But anyway, I did not like this at all. Not just for the spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, but it was just poorly written. Friends do not laugh at you for not having kissed a guy. Not real friends, at least. Not good friends... You get the point, right?
Everyone has commented on your grammar and they are all correct, so I need not say any more on that subject.
For someone who's just had their first kiss, what, the day before, she's ripping off her clothes and jumping into bed with this guy? Sounds more like she's already given up her virginity and she's a pro! I think almost every fourteen-year-old in the world has better ethics and morals than to jump into bed with a guy they've been with for a couple days. Maybe if she'd known him for several months? Years? That would make a little more sense.
I do like the idea of this story, though, or what I interperate as the idea: A young girl being pressured to have sex by her peers. Though maybe edit out that her friends are the culprits or develop them more as characters so that we see that they really aren't her friends. (Who's REAL, good friends would do that, after all?) Perhaps make it seem like she's not ready, but really wants to fit in? And she doesn't enjoy the sex?
I agree with Angel of Death in that Alex sounds like a jerk face, desperate, horny little boy (not in those exact words, of course). And what teenager, other than writers and Brits, would use the word "exquisite" in dialogue? I might use it in my mind but not when I talk.
These characters need to be developed and the grammar must be fixed! No smiley faces in writing. Also, if you're going to build on this idea, try putting in detail. Whoever it was that said this is borderline pornographic was right.
Please, either fix it or trash it.
The title is very deceiving...
Omg!
Okay. This story is very...interesting. Okay, who am I kidding? It was very disturbing. I don't see how a barely 14 year old girl would want to have sex. And i don't see how she would want to do it with a guy she's only known for three days. Also, I seriously doubt she would jump into the bed and rip her clothes off. If so, then I beleive that this girl is seriously messed up. They haven't even kissed before that night! Maybe this is your fantasy, i don't know. But, you really should think about what you're writing.
More than all of that, there are grammer issues and spelling mistakes. It's very confusing to read because you don't know what's going on. Plus, the dialogue is confusing and very hard to read. Please look into other writing topics. And you have to review at least 2 times for each piece of writing.
Alicat159
that was...not right. 14 years old? and getting into a bed with a completely naked boy? being the laughing stock of the school just because you haven't had a kiss and your turning 14 is just plain stupid. I'm 16 and I haven't had a kiss or made out, and I'm pretty popular and no one's laughing at me.
oh, and it's a 2:1 ratio; 2 reviews for 1 post.
I'm not going to be another broken record, cause everyone else basically stole the words from under my fingertips, but yeah, this...
HORR-I-BLE!
And one more thing, I don't think a slutty 14 year old girl losing her virginity is unrealistic. Sad and disturbing, yes, but not unrealistic.
So, please, keep writing. I hope no one drove you away...
Yes, I agree with KJ totally.
lol )
The people above maybe harsh, but they are being honest. They don't mean to be harsh, but they need to be fair when critiquing. You need to learn from this mistake and move on!
We are writers here! If one bad piece gets us down, scrap it and post another! (of course, review other people's work first before posting
But you get what I mean.
Good luck with all your other projects!
Hope this is a learning lesson for everyone!
Hey.
I don't want to repeat what the others have been saying, and completely tear your piece to... well... pieces. Though there IS stock to what they're saying.
But don't take it to heart. Take it to mind, you know? Learn from this. Now you know, that capitalization is a MUST, and smiley faces a NO. Write something else, and make it worth your while.
Keep writing. Good luck in pieces in the future.
Well, I don't really want to eat you, and I can't manage to go through and critique this full thing. I'll try to sum up my critique, without being too repetative.
First, you missed a major rule in writing. 'I' is always, always capitalized. Same thing with names and places. You really need to work on that, because it look bad when you don't do something as basic as that.
Second, you need to puncuate. Without commas, there's nothing but a jumble of words, which is pretty much what you've got right now.
Third, there's really not much point to this. It's actually sending, no offense, a very negative message. In this day and age, a girl losing her virginity at age 14 is extremely frowned upon. Even more so that she only wanted to because her friends would laugh at her otherwise.
That leads into my next point - you have very undeveloped characters. They aren't realistic, and aren't going through a realistic situation in a realistic matter of time.
I hope that helped some. Feel free to PM me with any questions if you have them ^_^
MERRY WRITING
Bella Bambina
Wow.
Check you spelling and some grammer. Also, i don't think most 14 year old girls, want to have sex. That's rediculous. There isnt much description in the story at all.
Okay. First of all you have a lot of grammar mistakes going on, like missing commas, periods and some quoting issues. When two people are having a dialogue skip likes between each person's sentence. EX:
"blah blah bah," I said.
"Blah blah blah," he said.
Also I caught a mistake with the wrong use of the word you're. I believe you were meaning to use your.
And now about the story itself. I'm sorry, but I honestly didn't like it. It was really disgusting! A fourteen-year-old losing her virginity? I don't think it's all that realistic. Also, how did she get condoms? she's fourteen! And this wasn't really romantic at all. As someone else said, I thought this was really degrading towards women as a whole.
Sorry for being mean! Keep trying to write. Just brush up on your grammar skills.
-Domenique
What the heck?
A fourteen year old losing her virginity?!
What is the world coming to?
Why should women degrade themselves like that after many before them were fighting so hard for respect?
Young women giving themselves away like that.
And with bad grammar!!
How do you sleep at night?
Overall this piece is God awful. First I see the terrible grammar errors and the lack of a plot. You rushed everything out. There was no gradual effect of love. This is not even romance, just sex. Its just disgusting. An having emoticons in the piece, very unprofessional. And what makes me sick to my stomach is that someone can be so desperate. Its an insult to women and you should be ashamed. Leaves nothing to the imagination. This is border line pornographic. I have never had to make this harsh of a critique, ever! Before you make another piece of literature try developing your skills and come back here. Better yet, delete, burn it, or put it in a place where it can be shut from society. Thanks now I have to go vomit up my dinner. Sorry for being so harsh.
All those i's need to be I's
*shiver* Scary
That might scare a guy away or she might look desperate...
Typos. A lot of typos and is this really a thirteen year old?
Wow. Capitalize when you start another sentence. It looks worse than when I type.
They were already making love....
This sounds kinda older teen like.
Um... where'd she get them?
Wow. I guess the kids rich then? This sounds a lot more for an older teen.
Um over all...
I have no idea what to say. I'm pretty sure my friends like there pride so...
Ok. Everyone said what I was thinking while I read this. But ummm. You really need to open up some books and start reading them. The way you wrote this...your grammar was horrible and if you go back over this maybe you'll see the light and the end of this dark tunnel. I think the idea was original but you're MC is nonsensical and for a fourteen year old...wait excuse me thirteen year old. I'm thirteen and there's no way on Earth I'd do what she's doing. Maybe if you add more descriptions, introduce her friends, describe them even. Make this like a diary sequence are something until its her birthday. Talk about the pressures of underage sex and don't make Alex seem like a jerk trying to get laid because he came out that way. I thought he was sweet...uh...the way you wrote this was just too impossible...horrifying really and if you open up a book and read it maybe you'll learn something. So like everybody else said throw this away and never I repeat never write like this again. If you want to be taken serious here you have to give us something instead of nothing. I'm not saying you're a bad writer because I don't know you but what do you think others are going to think if they read this. I know you can do better because you at least captured emotions I think...oh I don't know I just don't want to seem too harsh. Now, if you redo this in a way that is remotely grammatically correct then PM me because I want to see progress.
Hi Jessica! Stella here!
Okay, first of all, as all the moddies are saying, in YWS, you should always write two reviews before you post your first piece. Rule of thumb.
Secondly, you need to learn grammar. Please. You're fourteen, the rest of us all have to do this.
I is always capital. Never put in little i's. It looks messy. And never put smilies in your prose either. Learn how to use speech marks and capitals better.
Apart from that, your style was... strange.
No thirteen year old I know has lost their virginity. Some girls don't get kissed until they're sixteen. Your MC is desperate and on the whole, rather slutty.
Never begin a story with "Hi, I'm ___ and I'm ___ years old." It really puts your story off to a bad start.
I think that, with a little effort, you could actually write something semi-decent. But this, I'm sorry to say, isn't.
Don't be disheartened though, and keep writing!
PM me if you havve any questions!
-Stella.
Well. *scratches head*
It seems like you've got an addiction to not capitalizing the first words in sentences.
I don't want to hurt your feelings, but, honey...that was a disaster.
The smiley faces were too chat-speak-esque. You almost never used periods. You capitalized words that shouldn't be, while neglecting to capitalize words that should. Your grammar is horrific. Phrases were left unfinished....
I'd say, just get rid of this and start over.
Next time, take care to punctuate correctly, use capital letters properly, and review your homophones (e.g., you're vs. your, and they're vs. their vs. there).
Just make sure you think before you write.
Besides, no one worth spending your time with wants to read a short story about first kisses and sex.
I agree with everyone's reviews about editing first as well as having someone so young, losing their virginity so fast. It did seem like she was pressured as well. Putting more time and effort into your story will make people enjoy reading it a lot more.
Oh-kay.
First of all, you should read the rules and FAQs before anything else. You already broke a rule. You cannot post a piece unless you have already made 2 reviews.
Second, this story has way too many grammatical errors. I cannot even point them all out. The tense changing are distracting. I suggest you stick with one tense.
Third, I found this story horrifying, unrealistic and quite scary. A 14-year-old having sex? Woah, hold up there! And nonetheless, they just met two days ago! You made the girl look like whorish and waaaaay too desperate. I thought she just wanted to have her first kiss? Is the society now that cheap and uneducated? I pretty much disagree. But here, I think that it looked that way.
Overall, I uh, didn't like it, it didn't seem that interesting. BUT-
I can see your writing potential. But I guess you should pick better topics and concepts which are more appropriate. And probably work on your grammar as well!
Good luck and keep writing!
Peace,
Casey
Oh, by the way -
I agree, the story does seem unrealistic. A 14 year old having sex?!
.
My advice:
Besides the grammar and lack of punctuation, try to make your characters more likable. Your story is too abrupt and quick - the reader can't catch up with the story. Follow the gir's thoughts more carefully.
Also, show - don't tell. Don't write "I was worried." Write clues to show she was worried (sweat trickled down my back. What if...?)
Story overall Is okay, but try to fix those things first.
This just makes me sick...what a dreadful ending...
wow.
that was ridiculous
i cant believe that was all about a 14 year old having sex
disusting
What kind of girl loses her virginity on her 14th birthday? There are so many grammatical errors in this that it is hard to read. Everything moved too fast. It almost looked like a quick entry into a diary. The laughing stock of your class because you are turning 14 and haven't kissed anyone? Look, in less than half a year, I will be 14, and I haven't even been on a date, let alone kissed a girl.
If you DO re-write this, I suggest the fallowing:
1. Fix capitalization.
2. Add comma's in run-on sentences.
3. Make her AT LEAST 3 years older; 14 is WAY too young to lose your virginity.
4. Review at least 4 stories/poems, it's only fair.
5. Remove the smilies.
6. Add emotion. Especially if you're talking in a first-person perspective. Adding emotion connects the reader more to the mind of the character.
7. Make it more realistic: I know I say this a lot, but 14 is way too young for sex. If some guy asks you on a date and kisses you, I doubt he would bring you to his house only for you to have sex with another man (please correct me if I misread this).
8. Add more detail. This makes it easier for the reader to imagine the scene.
Overall, I didn't like this story. And trust me, I could have been a LOT harsher than this.
What is this?!? This should to be rewritten completely. Your grammar needs tremendous work - you especially need to capitalize and add commas - and take out the smileys. This is a writing society. Also, write out your words. You cannot take a jumble of words, string them together horribly and call it a story.
Once your grammar is correct, and your thoughts make more sense, go through and find more interesting words.
This... piece... really made little sense, and it wasn't very interesting. Keep working on it.
I agree with everyone else's comments. Major editing wouldn't hurt for gramatical errors and what not.
Plus, be careful what you write about... You're so young, and you shouldn't be writing about yourself like this.
I'm not incredibly impressed with this piece; you can do better if you put more effort into it. My suggestions are as follows:
1. Listen to everyone who already posted reviews for your piece; they are all correct.
2. Watch your tenses; you canged a lot from past to present, and it's distracting. Choose one tense, and stick with it.
3. Don't be afraid to use commas. You need them to make this piece flow, because right now, it's like listening to some chatty middle school girl who never takes a breath. Ever.
4. Reality check: usually I don't say this, but make sure your characters are believable. The Alex character is way too dreamy. Guys aren't like that; if you ever find a guy that is, don't waste your time on him, because he won't be worth your respect.
5. What's with all the random capitalizations? Doorbell and You and Went don't need to be capitalized, so don't capitalize them. It looks incredibly sloppy.
Honestly, this piece needs a ton of work. Everyone will like this piece more if you pay more attention to detail. PM me if you edit it and want me to re-critique it.
River
Wow. Okay, you have a lot of grammar issues going on in this, uhh, piece, I should say.
Your 'i's' need capitalizing. You have some run-on sentences, too. When someone is speaking, you need to have quotation marks and commas.
Other than that, I think that this 'story'[ needs a lot of work. Like Thething912 said, why must people our age do it? It's not right. What if you would have had a kid? What would your parents say? It's so NOT RIGHT.
So, I give this story a 1/10, only because of the concept and the lack of grammar.
Sorry if I ripped you story to pieces, but I'm giving my honest review.
I would go back and edit it. Also, I think this would be rated R or at lest pg-13 due to the nudity and sex in it. I also don't fully understand why people need to lose thier virginity that that age. Sadly, it seems like that person was forced into doing something that didn't want to do. Because of peer pressure and hormones. Just remember a true man will wait and that people don't have to do something just because other people do it. That's the truth like it or not.
Hello Jessica!
Welcome to YWS! If you have any questions or need help finding your way around the site, feel free to PM me. First I would like to direct you to THE RULES. If you haven't read them yet, I highly suggest it! You've already broken one. Yep!
It's OK, we won't eat you. I just suggest you make those two reviews, and do two more before posting anything else! It looks bad if you post without reviewing. Also, why not introduce yourself in the Welcome Section?
On to the review! I'm just going to make a few points, because really, there isn't much... of an interesting story here.
1. Always capitalize the first person pronoun, I. if i were to talk like this and not use commas either and just write like this people would think im real lazy and if you want people to be lazy when their reviewing you 2 then write like this. Here at YWS, if you want people to put their good time into review your work, you better put good time into writing it! If you don't have the writing basics down, you'll never learn how to improve the important stuff.
2. Do not use emoticons (smileys) in writing. Yep. It looks bad, and really, why do you need it? I'm going to quote something from a book I have, and let you decide:
From The Midnight Disease by Alice W. Flaherty
Even if you haven't read King Lear the point is, written language is a lot more amazing than a sideways (or in this case, an image of) a smiley face. Use your words! That's what writing is all about.
3. Write out your numbers! Here is a guide on the YWS blog that talks about it: 7 Tips for When to Write Out That Number.
I realize I critiqued your grammar and all of that, not the actual writing, but like I said, if you don't fix these things first, there is no point worrying about the deeper stuff. Learn how to walk before you run; learn how to use the language before you try to write a novel.
I hope this helps! Again, if you have any questions, or need help finding something on the site, feel free to Pm me!
This is horrifying.
If you want anyone to take you seriously, pay attention to grammatical conventions--such as spelling, capitalization, punctuation, and basic grammar. Also, the entire content of this piece is saddening; since when do fourteen-year-old girls feel the need to whore themselves out? This might work as a satire of how far society has fallen, but as nothing else.
Scrap it.
EDIT: Also, I see that you have yet to review anything. As a good rule of thumb, you should be critiquing (that's reviewing) two stories or poems for every one thing you post--and we prefer it if new members critique before posting. Thanks.