Young Writers Society

woo hoo Amelia! yay i can count on you for your insite! thank you!

ok, well the girl doesn't want to be with the guy...at all. she's trying to get the heck away from him because she knows whenever he's around no good can come of it. but the power he has over her won't let her. she likes the "power" not him. i guess you can think of him as the "bad boy" and when they're together she feels like she can get away with anything...do you know what i mean?

oh... and this all is suppose to be rambling going on in her head so i mad parts of it sound rambly =) but thanks for your critic, i appreciate it!

NO PUNCTUATIONS OR CAPITILIZATIONS IS MY LIBERATOR!
xjess

"you're the worst
I let you bring out the worst in me
so then, I must be worse"

This whole stanza sounded ramble-y to me. The first two lines can be saved, if combined with something else to elaborate.

"as long as you're around
the power your eyes have on me
I can't fight back, I won't
I want it.
it makes the struggles evaporate
all that is left is me and the darkness-
where I can be and do what is really in me."

This stanza seems like a contradiction; in the beginning, you talk about how you want this person to be around you constantly, but by the end, it seems as if you'd prefer to be alone in darkness to remain yourself.

"the evil in you liberates me
seduces you, you seduce me
how can I tell you two apart?"

In the second line, I think you need a noun like "it" or it sounds like you're saying "me seduces you". "It" would also clarify the second of the "two" mentioned in the third line here.

"controls me, forces me
makes me weak."

I don't see how this fits in with the rest of the poem. Since the last stanza ended with a question, this first line should be able to stand alone as its own idea, but "controls me, forces me" doesn't mean a who lot on it own; again, I think a noun would be helpful, even a nondescript one like "he" or "it".

"the void lengthens and we jump in
us three.
without a trace,
and many consequences left on our backs"

I like the language of this stanza, and how three beings are alluded to.

I can see the general meaning here, but it's a bit foggied by what you seem to be saying and what you really are saying. Think about what you're trying to say in all if/when you decide to edit.

I am a strong advocate of beginning new ideas and sentences with a capital letter, especially if you're using punctuation (and to use punctuation consistantly) but that's author's choice, so of course, you must do what you think is best.

thanks kitty15, you're right the "your" in the second stanza was a typo but i fixed it now. about the punctuations...yea I'm not one for punctuation unless I'm trying to stress something, but that's just me. and yea- it wouldn't hurt to capitalize the I's =) thanks for your incite!

I liked this poem quite a lot but I have a few criticisms to make...

First off, on the first line of the second stanza, it needs to be 'you're' rather than your and I have forced myself to accept that it is perfectly alright to not capitalise the first word on every line but can you at least use a capital for I? That at least is necessary.

Other than that, the language was quite simple and there were few poetic techniques but it was enjoyable. I'm not quite sure why, perhaps I just like the concept it deals with. Anyway, well done and keep writing!

i am not much for critiquing poems since i am more of a storywriter myself, but i thought this was excellent and i loved it!! =D