I’m the only one left.
This realization makes my heart pound even harder as I watch my enemies run by, searching for me. Their dark clothes would hide them almost completely if I didn’t know what to look for. Thankfully, I do or I wouldn’t be here right now; I’d be with them.
Crawling carefully over the crunchy leaves, I try my hardest to be silent, but as soon as I start to relax, my knee crunches down on a twig, making me cringe.
“Did you hear that?” One of them whispers loudly to another as he searches the bushes that I’m hiding in. I get really low and hide my face without taking my eyes off them. My heart races as I wait for them to notice me. I’m as still as a statue, hardly even breathing.
Eventually they give up and move on, obviously not too worried about finding me. I sigh in relief and start moving again; more carefully this time. I can’t afford to be caught now.
I’ve come this far; being taken down now is not an option.
I climb up into the lower branches of a tree to get a better view. From the branch I’m sitting in I can see the entire field stretched out in front of me. There’s an old barn in the middle. Its roof is missing some boards and all the windows are smashed to bits but if I can just make it across the field and into the barn, I should be safe. For now.
Hoisting the strap on my gun higher up on my shoulder, I adjust my face mask, drop silently from the tree, and move in a low crouch along the edge of the field.
The sun is on the edge of the horizon; the first bits just barely dipping below it. It would have been a beautiful sight if I wasn’t being chased by a bunch of blood-thirsty savages.
Scanning the area, I keep my eyes peeled for any sign of life, but there’s nothing. Taking a deep, calming breath, I stand up carefully and move swiftly towards the edge of the field that’s closest to the barn. On three…
One.
I adjust my gun so it’s tucked in tight.
Two.
I do I final scan of the area to make sure no one has snuck up on me.
Three.
Bounding from the cover of the trees, I race across the field towards the barn, trying to keep my pace as fast and as light footed as possible.
About halfway across the field, I hear a yell coming from my right. My head snaps in that direction and I see that several of the enemy are running towards me, guns raised and firing. I duck as shots ring out, but I don’t stop.
I reach the dilapidated barn and run through the door as the wall is hit beside my head. I jump, but keep going. Climbing the ladder, I look for a place to hide and soon realize there is nowhere. Not even a measly bale of hay.
I spin around in circles, searching frantically for something. Anything. I can hear them behind me, climbing the ladder, and I know I’m trapped.
My gun digs into my side. I still have a gun! I move to a corner and sit with my back to the wall. Lifting the gun, I aim it at the top of the ladder. As soon as the first head pops up, I start firing, watching as red drips down the guy’s face.
But they’re coming too fast. I can’t contain them, and when my gun starts clicking instead of firing, I know I’m in trouble.
They all get to the top, and stand in a semicircle around me with their guns aimed.
“It’s over! We’ve won so you might as well give up now.”
I glare at them, hating that they’re right but unwilling to admit it. “Never,” I say, and the leader shrugs.
“Suit yourself.” Then he pulls the trigger.
I grunt as the paintball hits my chest, exploding green paint all over my black sweater.
We all laugh as they help me to my feet. “That was fun! We should do it again sometime!” I exclaim as we climb down the ladder before we gather our things and head home after a successful day of paintballing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Wow! I did not see that ending coming! As soon as I started reading, I was hooked. You had me getting closer and closer to my computer screen until the very last word. All in all i really liked it. There is one minor thing that I think you should change: In the 4th paragraph, it says,"I get really low and hide my face without taking my eyes off them."
Instead of "I get really low" I think you should say "I crouch low to the ground," or "I lie flat on the ground."
If you don't use either I won't be offended. It's your writing.
Hey Jessee
Great opening!
My favourite opening lines are the ones that say a lot in a teeny tiny space, and "I'm the only one left" instantly takes me into the mindset of a character who was one of many and now is alone when they should be. I really like it.
Commas and sentence structure
So, you're so close to hitting something really great here, but a little bit off. You use a lot of commas in places where they needn't be, and where it doesn't really make grammatical sense to put them. I think what you're doing is using short clauses to increase tension? In which case it would be better to use shorter sentences, rather than breaking with commas. For example: "I can hear them behind me, climbing the ladder, and I know I’m trapped." In this, 'climbing the ladder' doesn't entirely make sense grammatically, but if you break it up like this: 'I can hear them climbing the ladder behind me. I know I’m trapped' then you can get the same effect without breaking the sentence.
More on sentence structure
Again, you're so close! One of the things I like about your style of writing is that you use a lot of variation of sentence structure. It means that you can fit a lot of action in whilst still keeping the text interesting. As it got further towards the end you fell out of it a bit and into a habit of 'I did this, I did that,' which the beginning and middle parts prove you can already do better. Don't let yourself slip ;]
Style and ending
So... there were points when I started to think that certain parts of this were quite... theatrical? I think is the word I'm looking for. Like referring to the people chasing you MC as "my enemies". After reaching the end I think that was a really good stylistic choice. It would be very easy to ruin the tension of the scene by changing the tone too quickly but the slightly theatrical tone in the text blends so well into the ending.
Overall
Normally stories with that kind of 'it wasn't real' revelation at the end aren't really my thing, but I genuinely enjoyed reading this one. Thank you for posting, and keep up the good work =]
Hi! AlyTheBookworm here for a review.
Overall I liked this short a lot- and I did not see that twist coming! When I started, I thought, "Zombies." Then, "Oh, apocalypse?" The fact that you kept everything vague except for the action and the main character's emotions was good and it made me want to figure out more. It made the twist even more surprising at the end when instead of getting shot to death by blood-thirsty enemies in an apocalypse, MC is getting splattered with a green paintball and losing a game to their friends.
I'll get to the grammar now.
"This realization makes my heart pound even harder as I watch my enemies run by"
Just personal preference, but I would write that as "makes my heart pound even louder", but this is good too.
"Crawling carefully over the crunchy leaves, I try my hardest to be silent, but as soon as I start to relax, my knee crunches down on a twig, making me cringe."
Here you use the word "crunch" twice in the same sentence... And that reminds me of your commas. I have the same problem, but you have four commas in this sentence alone. Try to break it up a bit.
"I’ve come this far; being taken down now is not an option."
This can be two sentences. I wouldn't use semicolons too much and I've seen a ton in this story. I also don't think you're using them correctly, but I never use them in the first place so I'm not entirely sure.
I didn't go over all the grammar, but those were the things that popped out.
Here's a big thing that was bothering me. I don't understand why MC started running for the barn when they were already in the cover of the trees. It exposes them. Wouldn't they know that the barn is a dead end? Even if they hide, their enemies will just trap them in there and eventually find them. You should make a clear reason why MC has to escape to the barn.
Well, I hope this helps you with your writing!
-AlyTheBookworm
Ah yes. Grammer. It is not my biggest strength. I really appreciate the feedback so thank you. As a young writer I really appreciate it and will keep all your comments in mind. Thanks!
Your welcome!