CHAPTER 1
BEGINNINGS
Ari's alarm clock suddenly started beeping rapidly which caused her to wake up. She began rubbing her eyes, tired. She looked to see a light beam from an open window in her room. Ari had then lazily got up and dragged herself out of her bedroom. As she reached her bath room she had done the usual. Brush her teeth, shower and put on some clothes. Just everyday things people do.
As Ari finally reached the dining table on the way out, she saw her parents quiet and in grief. She asked them what was wrong. They looked at her as if she had said the stupidest thing they had ever heard.
“What do you think Ari? “Her mother said coldly. This was a normal thing for her to hear from her mother. A way of sort of guilt tripping her without actually having to use the energy to hit her.
As her mother continued talking, the words blurred in Ari’s head. She had heard her complain about this for far too long that she had managed to imagine her brain didn’t care—but of course she still cared deep inside. Then Ari realized her grades from last week were terrible even though she had tried her best. Well, of course her best wasn’t enough.
Ari walked out of her house. The morning was sunny and bright, unlike her. As she walked to school, she could see parents playing with their children. It seemed that those kids didn’t have school that day.
Lucky.
She could see various people and stores across the road. And traffic too. As Ari arrived at her middle school, she saw all the students walking, talking, and chatting along the halls. She suddenly spotted her dear friends—well… her only friends. Kaiden, Max, and Nora.
“Hey guys,” Ari said to them as they all greeted her in their own ways: “Good morning, Ari,” “What’s up!” and “Hiiii!”.
But then she immediately noticed Kaiden watching her like he knew something was off, though he couldn’t catch what it was.
“You alright, Kai?” Max asked him, pointing out his obvious suspicious glare at Ari.
“I-I’m fine. Just a bit tired..” Kaiden claimed.
“Ya sure? Ya look like you suspect Ari of a crime.” Max said.
Nora chuckled a bit at Max’s saying but quickly stopped after Kaiden gave her a death stare.
“U-um… I should get to class now!” Nora said nervously.
“I agree,” Kaiden said calmly but a bit grumpy. “It’s almost time for classes to start anyways.”
After the group went their separate ways. When Ari finally got to her class she realized she had somehow ended up in the same class with Ashe. One of her least favorite people on the planet.
She had always hated him for picking on Nora, one of her only friends.
Nobody really knew why Ashe bullied Nora in particular because he never bullied anyone else, but people assumed he was fatphobic.
Ashe was always a hot-headed, selfish person that liked to hurt people physically and verbally. So basically a bully in short. Ari slid into a chair at the back hoping that Ashe didn't notice her. As class started, she could see other students chatting and not paying attention to the class.
Then the teacher asked the class a question that Ari didn’t know. The teacher’s eyes scanned the room, searching for someone to answer. Then the teacher’s eyes landed on Ari.
“Ari, how about you answer this question?” the teacher asked.
Ari nervously walked up to the board in front of the whole class. She thought for a moment before answering. She got the answer wrong. A few snickers and chuckles came out of her classmates as she sat back down, defeated. As the classes went on, Ari could barely even remember anything she had learned.
Ari tried to listen and write down some notes, but she always zoned out or forgot to. The lunch bell finally rang, and everyone was getting ready to get lunch. After Ari received her lunch, she sat down next to her friends. They talked for a while before Ashe suddenly walked up to Nora and started picking on her about her weight. Kaiden tried jumping in to confront Ashe, feeling responsible for standing up to Ashe for Nora since he was part of the student council,but Ashe walked away before Kaiden could stand up to him. So Ari walked up to the table where Ashe and his friends were sitting and tried confronting him. But it very quickly backfired as Ashe suddenly teased Ari about how she had gotten such a simple question wrong in the first period
Ashe’s friends started laughing and snickering at Ari while she tried ignoring them. Ari then stormed off back to her friends frustrated. “Sorry Nora, that didn't work”Ari said, apologizing to Nora. “It's fine Ari. You tried your best.”Nora had told Ari.when they finally got back from lunch and into their classes.”Alright class. Now,I have an important announcement to make.Tomorrow we are going to a planetarium for a field trip."Their teacher announced. The class was suddenly filled with whispers about what they would do there and where the planetarium was. “You all will be assigned into 5 groups with 5 people inside 1 group. You are also required to write, draw or photo what you will see there. “the teacher said. After school had ended Ari walked back home.
When she finally got home it was already 2:50 and when she opened the door she saw that her parents weren't there and they had left a sticky note. “Dear Ari, as you can see me and ya dad have gone out. We left some leftovers for ya in the fridge.”It read. She opened her fridge, curious but not hungry to see what they had left for her to eat for dinner. She saw 2 slices of pepperoni pizza laying in a black plastic container with a lid. She slid away from the fridge and into her room to complete her homework. After she had finished her homework she took a shower and went to bed without eating dinner. The night was shining and stars illuminated the sky as she peacefully drifted into her calm and relaxed sleeping state.
CHAPTER 2
THE PLANETARIUM
when Ari woke up she realized today was the day that they're going to the planetarium. She hurriedly got dressed and even brought her lovely camera with her. She hurried down the stairs and even didn't eat breakfast with her parents. When she finally got to school she saw her friends already waiting for the announcement about their groups. “Ari! “ Nora had called to her excitedly”You brought your camera too! “.” yeah.. I thought it would be nice to take some pictures there. “Ari said, with a bit of pride in her voice. “I hope we're all in a group… “kaiden said nervously most probably because of being nervous they would end up with someone they hate.
“Alright class, gather up. It's time to announce the groups. “Their teacher said. As all of the students waited, everyone was nervous about who they were with and whether they would be with their friends. “group 1:Bofi, Abel, Jordan,Kel, cherryl and Kayla,group 2:Nicole, Kaiden, Noah, Sam and Elliot. group 3:Nora, Sodoku, Ezra, Alex, and Alaric, group 4:lucas, keefe, ella, Max and Tyler. And finally group 5:Ashe, Jesse, Lara, Nevaeh and…Ari.”the teacher announced. Ari froze, being paired with 2 girls she never talked to, Ashe and Jesse!?
Jesse is a Narcissistic jerk and friend of Ashe so it's no surprise. “Oh, looks like we've got a photographer on our hands don't we Ashe? “Jesse said to Ari's face. “Dont worry, quiet chick. I'll make sure ya don't do anything stupid. I mean who knows what to try to do in that little brain of yours. “Asheadded Smugly. Ari wanted to choke them but held the grudge(unfortunately). As the bus they were taking to go to the planetarium arrived people started getting on. Some of them rush in or some of them just wait until everyone's inside so they don't have to be involved in the trouble. On the bus Ashe and Jesse were picking on Ari the whole way. Though it was mostly Ashe doing the picking.
When they finally got there the students were badalessed by the fake planet and star props hanging from the ceiling. All except for Ashe, Jesse and a few others of course. They were introduced to a tour guide called Juan. Juan told the class facts about astronomy and showed them around the planetarium while answering their questions about space too. When they finally got to the Planetarium dome everyone sat down mostly to their friends. As Ari sat down next to Max she noticed Ashe insulting and picking on Nora. Ari quickly stood up but was stopped by Max. “It's okay Ari, Kaiden's already stood up. He can handle Ashe. After all, he is in the student council. “Max said calmly to Ari. Ari reluctantly stood down still eying Ashe. “Oh? What do we have here? Still sticking your nose in other people's business? Or are you just too pure for that now? “Ashe Said to Nora coldly who just stood there quietly wishing she'd just sink into the chair. “That's enough Ashe. “Kaiden demanded. “Oh but I've only just begun. How sad that you didn't just mind your own business.…right, Nora? “Ashe said coldly.
(Hello anyone who's reading this! I just want to say I am NOT finished with the story:D
Updates will come in the future)
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Good afternoon!
I’m happy you started writing a book! So let’s get right into it.
I already like the main character’s name 😊 Ari is such a cool pick!
I also like how you keep everything relatable!
The main problems that I see can be chalked up to this being your first attempt at a book so allow me to give you some tips ^^
First of all, you’re really rushing through the beginning. We didn’t get a good description of Ari or either of her friends. We also didn’t get a good feel of her living situation. It’s mainly just you, the author, telling us about her life but that’s not as interesting as showing just what that looks like.
The sentence “A way of sort of guilt tripping her without actually having to use the energy to hit her.” Is really good actually but it would be better if you backed it up with… showing more of what the mom said? Or an anecdote about how things usually go because as far as I’m concerned at this point there could have been a legitimate thing to be upset about (when I think they’re mean bc Ari’s grades are slipping?)
I think the encounter with her parents would have been perfect for setting up just what Ari is dealing with and getting us invested in her struggles—I think it just misses the mark. Think abt it. We already know that most ppl wake up with the alarm clock and then go brush their teeth etc
But what is unusual is that she’s on such rocky terms with her parents. Or well, sadly that’s not as unusual as we would like, but I mean… that is the core of that early scene, right? A hint abt her struggles at school. So it would absolutely okay to go into more detail here ^^
That’s kinda a thing that is prevalent in the entire chapter (and the second one too!). It feels like you’re in such a hurry to go through the plot that you forget that sometimes the scenes need a moment to breathe 😊 Slow down, weave in some descriptions of your characters and especially how your MC feels abt all this and you might be getting somewhere ^^
PS: Did you feel like chapter 1 alone would have been too short to post it separately? Or why did you put both chapters into one? 😊
Join the fight! Write more reviews!
Also btw this is like my first book ever°°
So i hope it's good! This book was a project for school but i wanted to post it online so i could see if people actually liked it or not before i gave it to my school. Fortunately for my school and unfortunately for me and Light bulb, I am an artist so that means when my school gets my book the characters will probably be very well developed and relatable characters though it also means I'll probably spend more time of the lore then the actual writing:6
Hello There! Thank you so much for sharing your story! Overall I really liked this. I think it was a great opening and did a good job showing your readers a sympathetic protagonist and the situation that she was in.
I think that Ari is already a really well written character. She is relatable but also entertaining to read about. I also think that many people would sympathize with her situation. Pressure from parents and peers is something a lot of people go through, so I also think that your themes are really strong.
Now, I do have one suggestion that might want to think about (but of course it's totally up to you)
Remember show don't tell. I understand that this is the opening to a longer project, so I think it is okay to have a little bit of telling. You want to establish the people around Ari. After all with a longer project you'll have plenty of time to show things more in depth. It's just something to keep an eye on. Something that stuck out to me is the way you wrote about Jesse and Ashe. I get that you're trying to establish bully characters. But I think this is an example of how actions speak louder than words. The first thing we're told about them is how awful they are.
I think it might have been more surprising to have their actions and Ari's reaction be the first thing that we see from them. It still shows the kinds of people who they are, but it's also surprising and catches the reader off guard. I think that this is also something to keep in mind when it comes to Ari's relationship with her mother. I hope this help you:)
Thank you for sharing, this is a great start and I look forward to seeing more from you. Please let me know if you have any questions or if any of what I said didn't make sense.
P.S.
Ari is such a cute name for a character!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the macabre S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Ari doesn’t do well in school. This upsets her parents. But, she has friends that she has hang out with, one of which is bullied because of her weight, so, Ari and the others defend her. But alas, not everything will go well for this group.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I know that Ashe and Jesse are supposed to be mean, but I would like more dialogue/actions from them to show that they are mean so I can hate them more. That’s just one little thing, though.
Chocolate Bar - I like how you described the way the Mom spoke to Ari, like she’s trying to make her feel bad with words. It hurts, but it happens, especially with parents and their kids. I also like how much Ari cares about her friends to the point where she wants to stand up to Nora’s bully. I hope she never stops caring about her friends. :>
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, an intriguing chapter about the whimsy and woe that is school. I wonder if Ashe will do something more terrible than what he’s already done and how Ari and her friends will fare off, but I guess that I must find out in the next chapter. Without further ado…
I wish you a lovely day/night! ^v^