Published June 1, 2011
The day you left was the day I died
Not physically but mentally
My soul died that day
You were gone what else did I have
A shadow settled upon my life I listened to the sorrows that were know the theme songs to my life
And that day , that day would be the day I played my self a bloody razor blade lullaby
I would like to add to this so give lots of ideas and feed back
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141,687 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with Matthews. She hit it dead on. Your concept is cliche, but then again, most writing concepts are cliche. The trick is to give a voice that's different enough that the reader doesn't just sigh and close the book. Switch up your words a bit. Make the language interesting, something more than everyday speech. Matthews covered it all really well.
Pm if you have questions
K, I have to say, I don't really like this...at all. Personal taste perhaps, but it's rather cliche' as there are a MILLION poems very similar to this out there. It's hard to make something original, so don't feel bad! Anyway, I really think you should add some imagery to this. Use unique, emotional imagery, and I might like it.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh in my review, but if you were the reader, wouldn't this arouse some questions? Why were you so depressed? Obviously someone you loved left - but how? Through death? A break-up? The narrator leaves a lot hanging. You don't describe HOW you 'die', and it overall, has little emotion to make me CARE that you 'died' and are sad. You could definitely make this into a much better piece, something I might actually enjoy, but it needs a little work. Good luckio!
Deeeepressing. All I can say is that since you have in the case of punctuation it's all or nothing, at least in my opinion. This can be taken care of by removing the second "that day" in the last line. The repetition is unnecessary, unless you are going for a rhythm patter which I can't see.
Great job. The imagery was great.....*shudders*. Well done.
Your name makes me laugh. "jedigeek." Hehe.