Puzzle piece

Hello!

I think that you have a pretty good idea with where this poem is going. But some of the lines sounds a bit... off, I suppose. Some of the rhythm isn't quite right. I think that Karzkin mentioned something about metering. So, I won't go into that, not to mention that I'm as good at metering as a pre-schooler. Also, I can see that you've tried to rhyme. Which was pretty good. But, some lines seems to drag on a bit just so that it could end on a word that'll make it rhyme. Like this line:

jedigeek wrote:Then you will whisk me off , to where? We have no clue.

It's not only visually longer than the rest, but it reads longer than the rest. I think that it's really jarring and really quite obvious that the reason the line is so long is so that it can rhyme.

Other than rhyme and metering, I really liked your wording, I think that it made the flow a lot better. Especially in the third line where you wrote 'sing to me sweet' instead of just plain old, 'sing sweetly to me'. That really put a new and interesting twist on the line, so well done on that.

Overall, my main suggestion would be to watch your rhyming carefully.

I'm sorry to say, but I did not like this at all. It's a nice idea, but the execution was all over the place. I'll take it line by line.

Come to me#4000FF ">, my puzzle piece#FF0000 ">, and be forever mine.

A good start. This line has a strong pulse. The only change I could suggest is some editions to punctuation, as seen. The red comma is vital. The blue comma is not strictly necessary, but I think it would help.

For you fit so perfectly when we're intertwined.

This line is also alright. However, you've started the sentence with a constituent. Either change the full stop in line one to a semi colon or comma, or dispose of the "for" at the start of this line. Also, I would recommend changing "we're" to "we are". It would fit the meter better I think.

Hold me close and sing to me sweet.

This is where things start to unravel. The first two lines are both in iambic heptamater, but this line trashes that. There are six less syllables in this line, and "to" and "me" are juxtaposing unstressed syllables. These two things completely kill the flow. Also, I think the full stop should be a comma, as the following sentence is otherwise incomplete.

As I think about the day that we'd meet.

Again, inconsistent rhythm, and an incomplete sentence. The latter is easily solved; just remove the comma. Also, perhaps "we'd" should be "we'll", as this fits second-person better.

At the altar where we say our I dos.

Apart from the rhythm, this line is just about fine. I would, however, recommend using inverted commas like so: "...where we say our 'I do's." This is because "I do" is dialogue, and needs to be indicated as such.

Then you will whisk me off , to where? We have no clue.

This line almost recalls the original rhythm. With a bit of reshuffling I think it could be done. I would also recommend a slightly altered set of punctuation: "Then you will whisk me off. To where, we have no clue." Finally, perhaps 'we' should be 'I'. It doesn't make much sense to me to have the person doing the whisking not knowing where they themself are going.

We'll live out our lives happy.

'Happy' is the incorrect form to use in this instance. To describe the manner in which the characters' lives will be lived, you must use an adverb, such as 'happily'. If you're trying to describe the state in which the characters live, you must separate it from the clause: "We'll live out our lives#FF0000 ">, happy.

The ending will be sappy.

The edition I'd make to this line is change 'sappy'. Your characters are supposed to be happy; 'sappy' has a certain negative connotation.

And when you die,
And so do I,

These lines are not bad. A couplet at the end that does not quite fit the meter is sometimes permissible. However, I would rephrase the second line. Perhaps "As must I,"?

I'll see you up in heaven.<3

This line is a total anticlimax. As Amelia said, it obviously does not rhyme. This is very jarring, and finishes the piece on a poor note. It's akin to playing a musical scale and not ending on the tonic. It just doesn't sit right. Also, the '<3' is totally unnecessary, please remove it.

In recap, the major defecit of this poem is the seemingly random meter. When coupled with a Heroic Couplet rhyme scheme like this one, it makes it read rather poorly.

I hope this is helpful,
K