She sat all alone it was dark but that because the night had grown dark outside and there was no light in her cell. She started to tell her self the story of the three little bears.she did this more and more often know it was the only thing that reminded her of home.
She got the part when goldilocks broke the chair a d she started to cry that had been her favorite part when she was little because she always argued with her dad that it wasn't goldilocks' fault that the chair broke. She had been in this,this dungeon for about a year she stopped counting after a month. There was only two people left in the dungeon her and an old man the rest had been executed in there cells an left to rot. Her only other companion was an old rotting skeleton.
She heard footsteps and soon enough they were at her door. Another day of torture these people trying to get answers she made herself forget . As the punching and kicking started she tucked her head in between her knees an thought back to the day this all started
How that for a bad ending
Stay tuned for more
It's not really a full chapter but I really liked it and didn't want to wait to submit it more will be on the way I promise
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...talk about a story that dives right into some sadness, well this doesn't really get off to a much worse start than this when it comes to just how bad of a situation a person can be stuck in. This piece just shows us someone that's in the absolute worst position you could potentially put a person in and just well, there doesn't even appear to be a hint of hope coming from anywhere here.
You really paint this picture quite, I really like how it starts of with someone muttering a comforting story to themselves, trying desperately to not lose their mind from the descriptions there...and it really shows someone that's trapped in a horrible situation that they clearly don't know how to get out of and it also appears to be situation that's physically and mentally breaking them down.
Then the description of the other occupants of the cell having died and just left to rot there, really paints an extraordinarily powerful picture there...that just proves right there just how much the captors in this scenario care for the ones they're holding captive. Then when it comes to an end with the girl kind of falling apart and letting them torture her like the daily occurrence that it seems to be just yeah, ends this on a very powerful note. Overall, I'd say this very much succeeds in hooking the reader here cause I know I definitely would want to read more to see what happens next here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Okay. This is good and I definitely see potential, but it needs some editing first, and mostly punctuation and capitalization wise.
First, I would suggest that you space out the paragraphs more, because the way you have all three paragraphs right on top of each other kind of makes the whole thing look a bit jumbled together in one big paragraph. But this is easy, fixable by pressing the enter button once more
Second, you definitely need a lot of punctuation... everywhere. First paragraph:
Also, I think you should rephrase the second sentence. "It was dark but that was because the night had grown dark outside and there was no light in her cell." you should show it instead of tell it. Right now you're just telling us and it's not really giving us any feeling of whats going on or what her surroundings are like. (Stay away from telling. Telling is boring.)
I would go over the second and third paragraphs as well, so you can find the punctuation and capitalization mistakes yourself, as well as where you're "telling" instead of "showing".
All in all this held a lot of potential, you just have to clean it up a little
Hi, Jedigeek!
I've got one word for you: punctuation! You've got run-on sentences galore here, and it makes the story hard to read. So, go through and add those periods. Don't forget to capitalize. Reading aloud will help you with all this. While punctuation isn't the most important thing in the world, it's important.
As for the story, I see potential. I especially like the inclusion of Goldilocks--that helps us get to know your character and gives some substance. But, I think you rushed this scene. It's sort of just boom-boom-boom, done. Gives the reader whiplash.
So, fix the punctuation in this, and slow down the pace. Put in some more details. Most of all, read this aloud to yourself. It'll help you catch all the mistypes and fix the flow.
Let me know if you have any questions!
Rach