z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Prologue, Chapter 1

by jedd


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Prologue

"Mallar," the King demanded. He sat cross-legged on his throne of pure gold. It shimmered lightly as moonlight peeped in through enormous windows.

Slow, shrill footsteps penetrated the hall, each laborious step followed by a vast echo. Through unnecessarily giant doors appeared an old chap. His blue robes hung down a crooked back, a comedic cone hat hiding the mass of his white hair, but not his long white beard. Wrinkled hands clutched a glowing staff. The King and his servant watched as he made his way, slowly, painfully, in noisy breaths, to beneath the King's throne. With a voice shaky and hoarse, he said when ready, "Yes, my Lord?"

The King gleamed into the magician's wise, unusually youthful eyes. "I apologize for delaying you rest, my dearest Mallar, but I need you longer. Just a while longer," the King said. His voice, however authoritative, had leaked a certain sympathy for the archaic fellow.

Mallar looked down in disappointment, but when he realized it showed clearly in the glossy marble tiles, he hid it and replaced it with a warm smile to the King. "Very well, my Lord. Shall we?"

The King held the old fellow up the steps on his throne. Just like old times, he thought. Knowing his lifelong friend was going for the eternal rest soon saddened him, but the choice was not his to make. "How long can you hold it?"

Mallar made a long groan after the last step and sighed, age showing in his trembling words. "Only...only for a few moments at a time...I'm sorry my Lord..."

After steadying his old friend he sat straight up in his throne. "Don't be. I shall see what the traitor says after this," he said, a vicious scowl streaking across his handsome features. That bastard, what right had he to advise the King's majesty?

Still, the traitor had been right. And that was what he hated the most.

The staff's top had begun to glow, from its idle mint green to an excited velvet. Mallar took the King's hand and placed it on the spiralling colors. It was not physical, but there was a strange, cool repulsion it exhibited. Magnets, he thought, the people of Earth had this repulsive force too, in their magnets. That was what he'd learned in the numerous attempts he and Mallar had performed this trick.

Numerous attempts, and not one successor.

"Mallar," the King suddenly said, his eyes shooting open. The magician was spooked.

"Yes, My Lord?"

"Abandon the normal people. We need someone..." The King glanced into the cool velvet flames under his hand. "We need someone that needs our help."

To this, Mallar dazed off, then back to the King again. "I'll see what I can do."

"Good. Thank you as always, my friend. Let us begin."

The King's closed his eyes to the sound of familiar chanting. Darkness engulfed him, its hands almost suffocating him, forcing him to hold his breaths. The chanting faded gradually into distance with increasing slurry echoes, like moving from sound and safety into a pitch-black tunnel. Everything went drowsy as with ten pints of ale, and it was deep slumber before the darkness gave way to light again; clarity flushing back to his mind as the surroundings merged into shape.

A girl stood in front of him. Her oak hair seamless on top but on the ends a mess, stranding out of a milky white, but sickly pale face. Her eyes were gorgeous, a shining emerald, but bloodshot and with tears trickling down her cheeks. Her mouth was moving, cracked lips, but there was no sound. But it was obvious she was sobbing, he had never seen a countenance so in pain.

She was looking into the mirror, but the girl in the mirror was looking back into her, and him. Ignoring her fragility, there was only one word he could think of. Beautiful.

But it was time to speak, to start their story, to save his kingdom. His deep, calming voice sounded and rallied a startle in those emerald eyes.

"Hello?"

Chapter 1

"So dear, how was your lesson?" Mr. Elkwood said, his warm eyes glancing at his daughter from the car mirror. She could see the bright smile of his. But it was going to be taken away from her.

"Uh, great!" Elise Elkwood said, gleaming. "They said my voice was nice."

Elliot snickered beside her. "You sing like a whale," he said, then burst into smirks. Elise grabbed his 12-year-old head and shook it back and forth, screaming "you smell like a pig, you stupid brat."

They sat back in laughter.

"Well, they should," Elise's mother said. "Maybe now with those lessons you can go catch that dream of yours."

Elise sprang till beside her with a playful smile and narrowing eyes. "Was there ever a doubt?"

Outside, headlamps sped past. The road was illuminated in a yellow hue by streetlights. Elise opened the window to feel the cool autumn air in her face, her hair blowing with the wind.

The radio started singing.

You were the shadow to my light, did you feel us~~

"Oh, quick turn it up!" Elise yelled, and lunged forward to the dashboard. Of course she wanted it up, Elliot's voice was cracking and hurting her ears.

Another story, you fade away~~

"Hey, Elise! I'm driving here!" Mr. Elkwood yelled. Elise's fingers had spun the dial and she retracted back. "You're 15, could you be more mature?" But he said it calmly.

"Sorry dad," she said, and sung. Her voice was almost similar to that of the singer. Elliot thought perhaps that was the reason she loved the song so much. Cheater!

"Afraid our aim is out of sight, wanna see us..."

"Alight~~"

Horns rang and in an instant an explosion followed. It was so quick she didn't even register what was happening. Her head slammed into the side window, and before the pain erupted the scene was spinning - the horizon went from road to sky to hills to ground. Her arms struggled to catch anything that could steady her but it was in vain, she was flailed around the car, her torso jabbed from all sides, and just as fast as it started she had been flung out of a window, her head landing in an audible smack into the asphalt. In her blurring vision the cars were still swirling and thrashing away, the darkness engulfed her before she could see the cars stop.

*

Elise awoke violently, gasping, coughing, fumbling for her inhaler. Her fingers found the cool device and sucked the air dry. Deep breaths, exhale. Deep breaths, exhale.

It was apparent. The silence showed itself instantly, reminding her. Hey, you're crippled now! You're disabled! You're not FUNCTIONAL anymore!

She sat, dazed, when she calmed down and wiped away her tears, and a desperate scream to let it all out. At least, it felt like a scream. It might wake the neighbours, but meh, who fucking cares. Who fucking cares after all this she'd been through.

The floor was cold, and it was a little disorienting not hearing the door unlock or the water swish or anything. Elise had her eyes locked into those on the mirror. It was unsettling, seeing how much herself had changed. How quickly and drastically everything had changed. And yet there she was now. A huge scar on her forehead and no sound, but otherwise it was still the same, that image on the mirror. Perhaps that was what's most unsettling.

Why hadn't she gone with her brother and father.

No. Fuck this. Fuck all of this. She realized how often now she used that word. Fuck. I still have mom to take care of.

It had been a week since she had returned home from the hospital, and today was the second Monday. The laundry was in a big stinking pile and the carpets were gritty. Elise had given those chores the finger. Heck, she groaned even making her own breakfast. The stupid milk only filled half a cup, the stupid packaging for bread was hard to open, the stupid toaster took too long and the stupid butter spread in clumps.

She ate in a stale stillness she would not get used to. The toast was unappetizing. But school would be even more so. The doctor gave her the go a week ago, but she wished there would be someone to tell her, particularly her mother to tell her, "you don't need to go to school if you don't want to!"

But of course not.

Her mother was in a coma. Stable, the doctors said, but yet to wake up. She had been a good woman, setting education a priority for her dear children. No day would go by with them skipping school without a valid reason, not one day. She would not allow it. When Elliot - Elise winced away her tears and blocked out the thought, but it forced itself in - when that brat Elliot had skipped school a Thursday morning, Mrs. Elkwood took notice only when she came home from work. She did not say a thing. Elise remembered Elliot feeling so anxiously suspicious of Mom that Friday morning that he willingly went to school, not missing a day since then.

But those were all gone.

Now it was her. She had gone a week without school. Should she go?

She grabbed her bag and stepped out the door, not hearing it close. Oh shit. Need she be reminded? Her steps were on automatic and dragged her out into the neighbourhood and into the sun she had not seen in days. The bus stop was a just a few blocks away.

Shit, stupid Elise, you're deaf! You're fucking deaf! Head right back-

Mom would have looked her with eyes whose confidence pierced her. "Got a problem? Deal with it," she said in a just as sharp smile.

You don't fucking need to go to school, get this sorted out first, damn it!

Her steps slowed. But as she looked up, Aster and Riles were staring her, their disbelief dissipating with widening eyes.

She didn't need to hear her friends. "Elise," she saw.

___

Let me know if you liked it and I'll post more :p


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
117 Reviews


Points: 481
Reviews: 117

Donate
Tue Nov 29, 2016 5:16 pm
Featherstone wrote a review...



Heya! Featherstone here to review!

So first: I really liked this piece. It starts out so normally, and then is plunged into difficulty just like that *snaps fingers*. I didn't catch any grammatical/punctuational errors, which is always a plus.

"I still have mom to take care of." This suddenly switched to first person. Is it a thought? If it is, italicizing and adding something like 'she realized' would help clear it up.

I didn't see any mention of her father, and only one about her sorrow about her brother's death. I think it would be improved if you made her devastation at the loss of her family as well as her hearing more prominent.

Other than that, I enjoyed it. Keep writing!

-Featherstone of the Knights of the Green Room




User avatar
89 Reviews


Points: 6213
Reviews: 89

Donate
Tue Nov 29, 2016 5:16 pm
Amnesia wrote a review...



Hey there, Memory here for a review! (a very belated welcome to you ^.^ and a very early happy YWS Birthday <3)

So Im gonna start with the first line, you've introduced no one and just jump into it, makes me hesitent to continue on with this but it intrests me so I continued. Pure gold might be overkill if you're trying to make the king look like he's greedy, there's other ways you can make him seem greedy rather than being "His throne was straight gold, nothing else"

As I read on I noted that you like descriptions, and thats not a bad thing...unless you happen to be Stephan King. The point I'm trying to make with that is you need to let us see more than telling us what we're seeing. So dont describe that his clothes or the sounds of footsteps. If you do dont go too much into detail.

On a whole I didn't really connect with any of your characters, they feel like their a third party and not at all like the main characters.

Im looking forward to reading more of your works and I hope this helped even a little <3

~Mem




User avatar
383 Reviews


Points: 19607
Reviews: 383

Donate
Tue Nov 29, 2016 4:36 pm
Sujana wrote a review...



Another day, mostly another review. I'm interested in seeing where this goes, though if I'm honest not nearly interested enough to continue it if the second chapter comes out--and don't get me wrong, it's not like that can't change. I won't be dishonest with you, but I won't be pessimistic either. Just because I'm not into it, doesn't mean nobody will be.

But understand this; everything goes through a process. I have my reasons for not being immediately captivated, and I think if you take a couple of minutes to listen, you might find your own solutions for that, and captivate more audiences afterwards. You're not going to please everybody, but at the very least you can get rid of the crinkles.

So without further ado,

The Beginning

Usually when I start with a beginning, I quote the first two paragraphs of the story. This is the rare case where I'm going to analyze the first section, as I think that, on the whole, that section is what's going to hook the reader in--not just the first sentence.

And did it hook me in?

Well.

One of the better things you did in the beginning, I think, is establish immediately that the setting is fantastical, involving a king and an archetypal wizard-person. This is good, because it's familiar to the readers, but not predictable enough for the reader to know what's going to happen next--the reader can image the setting, but they can't see where the author is taking them. That's one of the few things a good Blurry Beginning should do, establish the ground beneath the readers' feet, but leave the road beyond fogged and misty.

However, setting isn't the only ground beneath the readers' feet. Where you fell, at least in my opinion, is simple. Nobody knows what's going on. Nobody can even guess what's going on. It seems like the wizard is casting a spell and bringing the king to a fantastical realm, but it's too blurry for us to know, and we're not nearly invested in the story enough to care. We don't know who the king is. We don't know who the wizard is, though we do feel a bit sympathetic for his pain. We don't know what these two characters are doing, so we're not allowed to guess where the road is leading, something that the reader must do if the reader wants to keep reading. You can be blurry about a lot of things, but on the matter of what's happening in the scene, the reader must be able to infer what's going on (at least on a surface level).

Take the beginning of the Game of Thrones--both the first chapter and the prologue. In the prologue, you see men travelling in the woods, getting killed off by mysterious creatures. Since the book didn't come with a manual before you started reading, you don't know where these men came from, you don't know where they're going, and you certainly don't know what's attacked them. But those things are allowed to be blurry. The prologue has a clear set of characters travelling the woods, and the reader immediately understands that.

In contrast, in the first section, the reader doesn't know what's going on. The wizard comes, yes, but what occurs afterwards? The King is transported...where? To a room? To a separate realm? And where did the girl come from? Where did the mirror come from? What's going on?

And this line,

"Abandon the normal people. We need someone..." The King glanced into the cool velvet flames under his hand. "We need someone that needs our help."


Is especially blurry. Who are the normal people? What are these two doing? Are they just randomly peeping into people's lives?

What's the point of this scene? What are you trying to tell the reader?

As far as I can see, what you need to inform the reader about is the actual mechanics of magic here, and specifically what the King is trying to do. If he's peeping into people's lives, go ahead and say that. You don't need to say why he's doing it, we just need to know what he's doing, and if necessary how. There are other details that I feel like should be told, such as who the Traitor is and what he did specifically, but I feel like they'll be involved in a plot twist which is why I'm wary of asking about them. However, I'm mostly sure the magical mechanics should be mentioned briefly.

The Entirety of the Second Part

Alright. While the first part is blurry, the writing behind it was actually quite decent and interesting. The second part feels like a dip.

Let's start from the most glaring problem, and go down a bit afterwards.

The Tragedy (?)

Tragedy's are difficult to pull off effectively in this day and age. I blame the fact that we've been desentisized, mostly, but I also blame the fact that writers tend to rush into it, thinking the readers' already know the drill and they don't need to hear it again. And while that's good in some cases (mostly when you want to focus on other things and the tragedy is only there to give the character extra motivation), if you want to make us feel for the characters' pains, I can guarantee you that a car crash is not the way to go.

Not the event of a car crash itself, mind you. What I'm talking about is the immediacy of it all. One minute, the character is happy and cheery, and the next minute with little to no transition they're an utter wreck. This is very rarely pulled off well, not only because very few characters can change so quickly, but because we're rarely ever given a chance to actually see what makes that character worth looking at. We don't feel for the character, because we don't know the character, and we don't know any of their family members personally. How can we feel for their pain when they lose their bratty brother or personality-less father? It's not like we were invested in those two characters. It's not like we're invested in the main character.

You have to give these things time. That's the only way the reader can judge whether or not they like the character. A good example of immediate tragedy in the beginning actually comes from the Last of Us, a video game about the zombie apocalypse--you start out as the daughter of the main character in that game, and you're actually allowed to control her and see her reactions to things. You get to wander around her room, watch her joke around with her father, and most importantly, you watch how protective her father is of her and how loving she is to her father. Though you've only known her for a few minutes, you already feel like you know this girl, and you're actually invested in her relationship with her father because the two are given time to react and show how they treat each other.

Which is why it's more heavy-hitting when she finally/inevitably dies. You were genuinely invested, and you felt like you lost something when she dies. And if you weren't invested, the game actually does something quite clever--the girl is shot by a soldier, and the protagonist is cradling her slowly dying body, trying to tell her it's all going to be alright. She cries and pleads for her brother, small drops of blood coming from her mouth, and her father cradles her. Cradles her. Cradles her, even after she's stopped pleading, even after the pain in her eyes finally fade into nothingness. And the camera doesn't black out. It lingers on the main character, holding his daughter's corpse. It gives the player time to digest what's happening, it gives more space for the player to truly understand what the main character has lost.

In a way, you almost did this. You set up the character of Elliot, her brother, to make him a bit more sympathetic to the reader, give him a personality. Mr. Elkwood at the very least seemed caring, and the main character remembers tidbits of what made her mother her mother, such as what her mother would say in certain situations, or what she would do for Elise and Elliot. These are the basics, and you've got them. You just don't give enough room for the story to breathe. One minute, the two characters are there, and the next they've disappeared from view, with Elise recalling that the two are dead. Nothing about what their bodies looked like, nothing about if the brother screamed or if the father tried to prevent the crash from happening, no blood trail left to their deaths. Just a simple "Oh, they're dead." The story makes them feel expendable, and so the reader treats them as expendable, they don't feel for Elise's loss because what she lost was expendable.

Overall, though, it just feels a little too fast. I don't want it to take an excruciatingly long time to develop, but I thought it would've been better if we lingered just a bit on the crash site, if the radio was still playing while the car finally stopped moving, when the damage is already done. I sort of wished I saw Elise trying to shake her brother's corpse awake, or looking in the rearview mirror at her father's dead-eyed stare, a distinct image to leave the flashback behind. Something that would make an impersonal car crash feel personal, at least to Elise.

The Language/Anger Management Issues

We all deal with grief differently, and I understand if Elise is angry. However, I don't know if expressing it with constant f-bombs is the right way to go. Maybe it's right for the character, but it doesn't translate well in prose. If you want the readers to feel for the characters' pain, you need to make sure you don't overuse words unless you want to prove a point--the f-word doesn't really have a point other than to be shocking, and the more you use it, the less shocking it is. One f-word in one paragraph, one f-word in another, that's fine. But putting it in a line is risky, as the reader suddenly starts losing the meaning of the word, it doesn't feel as strong as it should be.

And in that regard--the sudden change from happy singing to angry sobbing is disparaging. It does not transition well in my opinion, and I don't know if it's a good idea to shock the readers in this manner. Emotions are very fickle things, and while they can change almost immediately, again, you need to give time for the readers to comprehend what's going on and empathize with the character. Like I said before, we don't even know if we like the characters yet, we're not sure if we want to be sad or angry for them yet.

So before this gets way too long,

The Transiton from First to Second

This one isn't as obvious, so for the most part this'll be short. Generally speaking, starting in a fantastical setting and moving on to a mostly modern era feels clunky. That's just how it is, it's admittedly hard to overcome. The best way I think I could suggest is immediately establish the scene, describing the roads that Mr. Elkwood is driving through and the car and the seats and where Elise and Elliot were before. This sort of thing needs time to recover from, and it doesn't help that a few paragraphs later we're thrown into a car crash. So basically, same advice as the first part--just calm down, take a little bit more time.

Overall that's all I have for this piece, and somewhat why I'm not interested in it yet. I hope you keep writing, post more if you'd like, see what happens. Practice makes perfect, you've got a solid foundation here, just need to make a skyscraper.

Humbly,

--Elliot.




Random avatar

Points: 45
Reviews: 5

Donate
Mon Nov 28, 2016 4:11 am
EmilyRMaiorano says...



So far, you have established a gripping plot. I would recommend, however, you introduce more characters to make the plot more elaborate.




jedd says...


Yep, more characters are coming. Thanks for the comment :p




Ogres are like onions.
— Shrek