Young Writers Society

First, seperate the lines from the header, example will be given at the end of this. Second off, your chorus is entirely too long and it drowns out the rest of the lyric...pretty much the lyric is based entirely around the chorus with the length therefore eliminating the need for the verses, shorten the chorus to about 4-6 lines and maybe add some of the lines to pre-existing verse's. Now onto the piece. The first verse is almost useless with the long chorus following it, perhaps take some lines from the chorus and add them to the first verse giving it length and shortening the chorus. Verse 2 is perfect the way it is and would go good if the chorus was shortened. The bridge could be shorter but it really isn't necessary as it works fine with the length. The hook goes perfectly into the next line, so nothing wrong with that. The next line is lost at "superman", I would say use a better descriptor or nothing at all as "superman" gives this rather serious piece a childlike antic for an ending. Aside from those things this is a pretty good start, work with it a bit and see if you can come up with something for the length (you could be running into a 10-15 min lyric here).

As said above here is what I was talking about:

Chorus:

(verse)

--Seperate the header from the line so it is easier to read. Cheers!

Hi,

I sang this song to my self, and I thought it sounded amazing, and I'm not joking. The words you used were outstanding and I thought the rhythm flowed wonderfully, the rhyming was perfect ad I, to be perfectly honest with you, could not find one single fault with these lyrics, I didn't thing the song was too short or too long, it was just right.

I defiantly, without a doubt, encourage you to write more and not only to write songs but try to change your genre and maybe even write some poems, you have a great talent, don''t let it go to waste with someone your age.

~ Hayley

Hello jcp92292,

This song is so sweet! All guys should write like this. Guys should care like how you've expressed in this song. I've yet to meet someone like that

I absolutely loved it!

I'm positive that the girl who this was written to will love you even more! Honestly, it really is very sweet. You should be very proud.

Nicely done,
thevoiceinside

this is a very sweet song and i'm sure whoever it's written about will love you forever for writing it hahaha.

one problem i've got with this: you use "I"a bit too much throughout the whole song. i can't think of anyway to fix that, but if you think of something then you should definetly work it in. other than that it sounds great! nice job!

Well first off, thanks for the critique. I appreciate it very much (:
On comments,
Yes I know very long chorus. =P
Well I wrote the first section but seemed to me it was lacking something, so I decided why not add a second section, and in a sense it works somehow, but I see your point.

About the first verse, I'm glad you found it awkward (:
That was the aim. To explain myself, it's basically a guy trying to improvise a song to a girl he loves and the beginning verse had to be a little rough, and as he progresses through the song he finds a comfort zone. Regardless though, you're right and I'll remember how to stick to guidelines thanks.

Hey there,

First off, Welcome to YWS.

It's 1.15 in the morning where I am at the moment so I'm going to make this short sorry. I like these lyrics and I agree with June when she says that it could sound completely different if you gave it to two different people.

I did find the Chorus a bit long and, when trying to put a tune to it, I would split the chorus in two. This is most likely just the way I see it. I think it's because half way through it changes from being six to seven syllables in a line to eleven.

Chorus: Tell me how to treat you right,
Tell me baby when you cry,
What it is that makes you smile,
And everythings alright
Tell me how to make you laugh
How to be the perfect man
Just for you, in everything I do First section
Oh I'm, falling in love with something wonderful
I'm, getting involved with the incredible
I'm,lost in your arms it's unbelievable
You caught me at the tip of my mood,
Now I'm lost with you.Second section

Hey there JCP! Welcome to YWS! We have a 2:1 policy here which means that for every one piece of work you post you should have completed two reviews. Try to complete two as soon as possible to make up for this.

Now! For the fun!

Okay! Your first verse was a bit awkward. It kind of slipped and slid from one place to the next. Fix this, dear, I know you can . Just give it something more of a guideline to follow and don't force the rhymes-- after all this is a song!

The chorus was amazing! I love it! I think it was the best part of the entire song.

Watch your verses and bridges as you go along. You don't want to stray too far from the original idea.

On the whole, great song! I'd love to hear it sung, because if you give the lyrics to two different celebrities, I can bet that they won't make it sound the same. So, that nakes it your personal song. It's up to you to find the rhythym!


Good job and welcome to YWS!

June