He Had the Ocean

It was the ocean
It was the sea
It was their god,
Their hope,
Their faith,
For all to seek.

None could share it,
Only one could bear it.
For it had no tame, #FF0040 ">Wouldn't this be better "For it was not tame" it reads easier, and makes sense.
No reign of shame,
As long it was there,
Men would persistently dare.

He wanted it so. #FF0040 ">Try "yearned" in place of "wanted." More powerful
Like all men did,
A sea of their own.
A mighty rule,
Beyond the dead.

So he went to seek it,
left his life,
His home,
And all he needed. #FF0040 ">Maybe take out the "and"

He set sail upon the waves,
A knight of the ocean
Fighting all who wished to taketh thee
The terrible and mighty sea.

He was but now a prince, #FF0040 ">Eh. Prince doesn't work for me. Maybe if you said "He was now a prince of poverty" or something...
Leading his reign through the sea
None could stop his path to pitiless victory #FF0040 ">Don't like the "pitiless"
Not even the life he secretly missed so dearly. #FF0040 ">I think "Not even the life he mourned in secret" would sound better

It was now only true,
And all could tell,
He was the king of the waves,
It was sure to always be.

He had the ocean
It was what he sought,
There was no fiery demise, #FF0040 ">Ooh, nice stanza!
Or dastardly thoughts.

But now he knew, #FF0040 ">Take out the "but"
That the sea hadn't brought him anything, #FF0040 ">Try "That the sea had nothing,"
Besides power and glory,
But that didn't make him happy. #FF0040 ">"But that was no happiness"
He wanted a life,
A family,
But that no longer could be. #FF0040 ">Like these last three lines

He pitilessly faced the sea
Without triumph, or a drop of ferocity
He said softly,
Against the curl of the ravaging waves,
That life was not a choice of the water,
Or the thoughts of the wind,
It was a choice of he,
To seek happiness and joy

He died in his old youth,
Amongst the waves
Without a home,
Without a family,
Without love itself... #FF0040 ">I agree, take out "itself"


But he had the ocean.

His only victory.





For that was what he chose to seek. #FF0040 ">Maybe put this close to the rest of the poem. I thought it was done at "His only victory" than I was like "Oh! There's more." Anyhow, really cool poem. Love it!

The imagery is used well. The pentameter keeps a good pace, with the rhyme scheme complimenting this- the poem reads well and has a very nice story like quality to it. Keep up the good work.

jcipriano1 wrote:It was the ocean
It was the sea #FF0000 ">This is the ideal place to insert a powerful metaphor. How about "family tree" or "undersea?"
It was their god,
Their hope,
Their faith,
For all to seek.

None could share it,
Only one could bear it.
For it had no tame, #FF0000 ">"Tame" is an adjective, and you use it in the place of a noun
No reign of shame, #FF0000 ">Nice.
As long it was there,
Men would persistently dare.

He wanted it so. #FF0000 ">How about simply "He craved it."
Like all men did,
A sea of their own.
A mighty rule,
Beyond the dead.

So he went to seek it, #FF0000 ">You just recently used "seek...."
And left his life,
His home,
And all he needed.

He set sail upon the waves,
A knight of the ocean
Fighting all who wished to taketh thee
The terrible and mighty sea. #FF0000 ">Great work on this stanza. I especially like the use of Middle English.

He was but now a prince, #FF0000 ">I tend not to think of princes as diminutive, even in comparison with a king. How about "peasant" or "slave" instead?
Leading his reign through the sea
None could stop his path to pitiless victory #FF0000 ">I don't know about "pitiless...."
Not even the life he secretly missed so dearly.

It was now only true,
And all could tell,
He was the king of the waves,
It was sure to always be. #FF0000 ">I would consider reworking this stanza. I think what you are meaning to say needs a tad bit more clarification.

He had the ocean
It was what he sought, #FF0000 ">How about "had sought?"
There was no fiery demise,
Or dastardly thoughts.

But now he knew,
That the sea hadn't brought him anything, #FF0000 ">Really long line. Kind of breaks the rhythm.
Besides power and glory,
But that didn't make him happy.
He wanted a life,
A family,
But that no longer could be.

He pitilessly faced the sea
Without triumph, or a drop of ferocity #FF0000 ">How about "royalty?"
He said softly,
Against the curl of the ravaging waves, #FF0000 ">Excellent.
That life was not a choice of the water, #FF0000 ">Try "ocean" instead.
Or the thoughts of the wind,
It was a choice of he,
To seek happiness and joy #FF0000 ">But that's not what he achieved, is it? I think it would be fine to say "misery" or words along those lines here.

He died in his old youth,
Amongst the waves
Without a home,
Without a family,
Without love itself... #FF0000 ">Don't think you need "itself."


But he had the ocean.

His only victory.


#FF0000 ">I don't think you need this huge space here.


For that was what he chose to seek.

Hi! Welcome to YWS! I liked this poem a lot, especially the ending. My corrections are in green.

It was the ocean
It was the sea#008000 ">.
It was their god,
Their hope,
#008000 ">*Their faith,
For all to seek.

None could share it,
Only one could bear it.
For it had no tame,
No reign of shame,
As long it was there,
Men would persistently dare.

He wanted it so#008000 ">,
Like all men did,
A sea of their own.
A mighty rule,
Beyond the dead.

So he went to seek it,
And left his life, #008000 ">I'd leave the 'and' out.
His home,
And all he needed.

He set sail upon the waves,
A knight of the ocean
Fighting all who wished to taketh thee
The terrible and mighty sea. #008000 ">Love this stanza, just to let you know.

He was but now a prince,
Leading his reign through the sea
None could stop his path to pitiless victory
Not even the life he secretly missed so dearly. #008000 ">So seems like an extra.

It was now only true,
And all could tell,
He was the king of the waves,
It was sure to always be.

He had the ocean
It was what he sought,
There was no fiery demise,
Or dastardly thoughts.

But now he knew,
That the sea hadn't brought him anything,
Besides power and glory,
But that didn't make him happy.
He wanted a life,
A family,
But that no longer could be.

He pitilessly faced the sea
Without triumph, or a drop of ferocity#008000 ">.
He said softly,
Against the curl of the ravaging waves,
That life was not a choice of the water,
Or the thoughts of the wind,
It was a choice of he,
To seek happiness and joy

He died in his old youth,
Amongst the waves
Without a home,
Without a family,
Without love itself...


But he had the ocean.

His only victory.



For that was what he chose to seek.