Flite, as requested. Apologies for this incredibly late review. I hope I'm still somewhat of help. Anyways, let's get down to it.
In grade five, I did a project on Pompeii so I know what you're talking about here and frankly, I quite like this spin you've put onto it. It's creative and it's believable. So kudos on that one.
“Run!" A man appeared beside her, shouting at her to escape. He pushed her forwards in one frantic motion and then disappeared.
There is no need for that 'then' there, it clogs up the sentence. Try and reduce the amount of prepositions like that in your sentences, because it doesn't actually do anything for it. I noticed that this is Mr. Vesuvius erupting, but there isn't actually a lot of descriptions in here to show us that.
Let's take a look at your second and third paragraph, you described what the sky was like and what the air felt like. But these descriptions are all quite mundane, meaning that they're not powerful enough to convey that atmosphere you want in your story.
The sky was completely grey, not a speck of blue in sight. The whole world seemed to be shrouded in an infinite dark cloud which was expanding every second.
I plucked those sentences out just for a close examination. Look at the first sentence, the sky was completely grey. Ok, it's grey but that doesn't actually tell us anything about the mood or how it affects the character. Grey is a very generalized word, what sort of grey is it, how dark is it? You need to be able to make an impact with your descriptions as well as adding feelings to them so they're not flat. Also, the second description is pretty cliche as well. If the cloud is infinite...then it wouldn't exactly be expanding by the second would it?
Another point is that I'd reconsider the way you started each sentence, I've noticed that you tend to favour pronouns a lot and doing that over time will create a monotonous tone because there is no variation in your word patterns.
The plot itself, I felt fell away a bit at the end. It was as if you've rushed the ending and didn't have enough time to explain it. The identity of the strange man came as a shock to me because there was no foreshadowing, so I don't actually know how he got here. And there is also a certain lack of context here regarding the Pompeiians, they were praying to the Vulcan God and had to pay taxes to them? Why? How? Why did they fail to pay it? That information seemed rather out of the blue with no background to support it. Another question I have is that, why did he have to freeze them. If he freeze them, how on earth are they going to pay back the taxes if they can't move? Was it his say to give them one last chance or the Gods of Vulcan?
A lot of questions that popped up because the logic with the whole Vulcan God wasn't quite plausible.
Despite that, this is a really interesting idea and it's worth working on. Hope I wasn't too harsh, if you have any questions, let me know.
-Flite
Points: 561
Reviews: 476
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