z

Young Writers Society



Dwarves of Pompeii

by Dracula


“Run!" A man appeared beside her, shouting at her to escape. He pushed her forwards in one frantic motion and then disappeared. Annabelle shook the surprise from her face and ran, suddenly feeling an uncomfortably warm gust of air brush past her.

She went as fast as her short dwarfish legs would carry her. She hurried out of the gigantic furnace hall, dodging masses of panicking dwarves and the hundreds of pillars which prevented the roof from collapsing. She entered the cave system and navigated as quickly as she could through the tunnels which were quickly turning black with smoke. After a lot of coughing and pushing past others, she emerged from the mountain.

The sky was completely grey, not a speck of blue in sight. The whole world seemed to be shrouded in an infinite dark cloud which was expanding every second. Annabelle looked up at the top of the mountain she’d just come from, sparks were shooting up into the sky and ash rained down on the dwarves’ village which was nestled at the base of the mountain. She stared at her home, worried for her family and friends down below.



The man who had told Annabelle to run appeared at the cave’s entrance with about twenty miners following him. His face had turned completely black, as if he’d fallen into a cart full of coal. That was a common accident in the forge, so perhaps he had. She looked at him for some guidance and let out a yelp when he extended his arms towards her and pushed her onto the ground.

Annabelle found herself tumbling down the mountain head over heels. Down she rolled, getting closer and closer to the bottom. She winced every time her bare skin touched a warm rock from the mountain. Annabelle's vision darkened for a second as she rolled through a cloud of black smoke, then she hit a hay bale with a loud thud. 

She sat up and rubbed her now swollen knees. Dwarves were running in all directions in a mass panic as the ash continued raining down on the village. It now covered the ground like a thin layer of dirty snow.

Annabelle jerked her head to the right when a woman shouted, “The furnaces have overheated! We’re all doomed!” Annabelle didn’t understand how a furnace could overheat, but it was obvious that something disastrous had happened to them. She heard the mountain forge rumble and grumble like a hungry giant as the sparks flew and ash rained. She tried to count the small boulders which flew out of the forge, but it was like counting the stars.



Annabelle spotted the strange man again; he was now climbing onto a roof top. He waved his hands in a frenzy, shouting, “Listen! Listen!” No one listened though, because the whole population of the city of Pompeii continued to run around like headless chickens. Annabelle, however, surried through the crowds and dodged falling debris until she was infront of the building he had stationed himself on.



“Listen!” He shouted again and this time he thrust out his hand and bright white sparks shot out of them. All the dwarves in the village found their bodies instantly jerk to a stop, they became frozen as if a spell had been cast on them. Annabelle relaxed just a little bit when that calm had suddenly settled over everyone, she and her fellow dwarves all stared at the man as if awaiting further commands.

“Thank you for your attention,” He began, looking at each dwarf one at a time, “I am a wizard from the court of the good King of the realm, Vulcan. You, the dwarves of Pompeii, have failed in paying your taxes on time.” He waved his hands for extra effect. “Now you are being punished. Vulcan has caused your mountain forge to spit fire like a dragon. Your village will be engulfed in lava and ash.”

The spell the man had cast lost its effect and the many citizens once again ran around in a frenzy, screaming for their loved ones and begging for mercy which would not be given. Annabelle, just a young girl, fell to her knees and cried. She knew that the adults in her village did not want to give their coins to the king, but she didn't understand why she had to be punished.



“But!” The man continued, “I have been allowed to give you one last chance. I shall freeze you all in a stasis, and only when the taxes are repaid shall life return to your bodies.”

The mountain bellowed again, much louder and deeper than before. Annabelle put her hand to her mouth as large clumps of rock burst from the top of the mountain and they began catapulting towards the village. The crashed onto buildings like asteroids, making homes and temples crumble into unrecognisable ruins. Ash and more fiery sparks followed the rocks and then something even more terrible came to be. Annabelle's eyes widened as lava oozed from the mountain, bright orange lava, like the colour of the sun when it rose in the morning. Vulcan had truly punished her kind.



Her vision began to blur, the ash not only making the sky grey but also the air around her. Before her vision blacked out completely, she saw the man waving his hands. His mouth moved like he was muttering a spell. She saw ash gather around the dwarves of Pompeii, becoming a blanket on their skin. She felt ash covering her own skin and she felt her lungs beg for air. The dwarves were no longer dwarves; they were now statues of ash. Annabelle said one last silent prayer to her gods, begging for mercy, then she saw her village turn to ruin and she too became a statue and frozen in time.

As the realm of Vulcan fell and its history became a myth, no one ever repaid the taxes. Even today, the dwarves of Pompeii stand as statues, waiting to be saved.


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Sun Feb 01, 2015 10:29 am
Apricity wrote a review...



Flite, as requested. Apologies for this incredibly late review. I hope I'm still somewhat of help. Anyways, let's get down to it.

In grade five, I did a project on Pompeii so I know what you're talking about here and frankly, I quite like this spin you've put onto it. It's creative and it's believable. So kudos on that one.

“Run!" A man appeared beside her, shouting at her to escape. He pushed her forwards in one frantic motion and then disappeared.


There is no need for that 'then' there, it clogs up the sentence. Try and reduce the amount of prepositions like that in your sentences, because it doesn't actually do anything for it. I noticed that this is Mr. Vesuvius erupting, but there isn't actually a lot of descriptions in here to show us that.

Let's take a look at your second and third paragraph, you described what the sky was like and what the air felt like. But these descriptions are all quite mundane, meaning that they're not powerful enough to convey that atmosphere you want in your story.

The sky was completely grey, not a speck of blue in sight. The whole world seemed to be shrouded in an infinite dark cloud which was expanding every second.


I plucked those sentences out just for a close examination. Look at the first sentence, the sky was completely grey. Ok, it's grey but that doesn't actually tell us anything about the mood or how it affects the character. Grey is a very generalized word, what sort of grey is it, how dark is it? You need to be able to make an impact with your descriptions as well as adding feelings to them so they're not flat. Also, the second description is pretty cliche as well. If the cloud is infinite...then it wouldn't exactly be expanding by the second would it?

Another point is that I'd reconsider the way you started each sentence, I've noticed that you tend to favour pronouns a lot and doing that over time will create a monotonous tone because there is no variation in your word patterns.

The plot itself, I felt fell away a bit at the end. It was as if you've rushed the ending and didn't have enough time to explain it. The identity of the strange man came as a shock to me because there was no foreshadowing, so I don't actually know how he got here. And there is also a certain lack of context here regarding the Pompeiians, they were praying to the Vulcan God and had to pay taxes to them? Why? How? Why did they fail to pay it? That information seemed rather out of the blue with no background to support it. Another question I have is that, why did he have to freeze them. If he freeze them, how on earth are they going to pay back the taxes if they can't move? Was it his say to give them one last chance or the Gods of Vulcan?

A lot of questions that popped up because the logic with the whole Vulcan God wasn't quite plausible.

Despite that, this is a really interesting idea and it's worth working on. Hope I wasn't too harsh, if you have any questions, let me know.

-Flite




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Sun Nov 30, 2014 9:08 pm
rissymay wrote a review...



hello, rissymay here for a review!

The beginning isn't very original- I've read so many beginnings similar to that. I'd suggest changing it so it pulls the reader in right from the start, instead of being a clique.

I think it'd be a nice touch if you added more to her journey to the outside of the mountain- she could get lost momentarily and have a panic moment, and it would add to the intensity of this story.

You should add more emotion from Annabelle- I still don't know what she's feeling about all this happening. Is she calm, relaxed, in control or totally panicked?

The crowd calming and listening to the man is kinda sudden and choppy- they're all freaking out and then they suddenly listen? My suggestion is to make the change more gradual; have it develop.

Ooh! I like the end. A theory of what really happened in Pompeii... neat. I love the story you have here. I think a little more detail and emotion from your characters would help make this really neat.

Happy November Review Day!
Keep writing!
-rissymay




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Wed Nov 19, 2014 11:44 pm
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rustytypewriter says...



god wow just amazing does remind me of smaugs mountain but just cool! love this:

As the realm of Vulcan fell and its history became a myth, no one ever repaid the taxes. Even today, the dwarves of Pompeii stand as statues, waiting to be saved.




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Wed Nov 19, 2014 11:42 pm
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haywireimagination wrote a review...



Wow. This was VERY creative. The name was very intriguing. I loved how the story started with the dwarves fleeing from the eruption, instead of it starting with it being a normal day, like it almost always does. My very favorite part, though, was how it ended like a "how it came to be" story. I think that this is a very creative story, merging a historical event and fantasy. A suggestion for another story is the Titanic? Idk. Anyway, keep writing!
- Haywire Imagination :)




jazzydracula says...


I did the Titanic! Thanks for the suggestion. :)





Okay! I'll be sure to check it out. What's it called?
:)



jazzydracula says...


The Siren's Song



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Wed Nov 19, 2014 5:06 am
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Nikki399 wrote a review...



Hey :)

Wow, this was really cool. I watched the Hobbit for the first time a few weeks ago and when I started to read this it seemed like fan fic. But as I continued to read I realised it wasn't. Over all it was a great short story. There was only one thing that I found really confusing. at the start when the wizard told Annabelle to run, why did he whisper it? That just didn't make sense to me.
Anyway keep up the good work :)

~Nikki399




jazzydracula says...


Thanks! Umm... the whisper is a Doctor Who reference. XD



Nikki399 says...


That explains it :) (I haven't seen anything Doctor Who)



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Wed Nov 19, 2014 12:28 am
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Vroengard wrote a review...



I really like how you managed to twist History into your own little world. The fact that you managed to give a mystical and mythical explanation to Pompeii was actually quite fascinating. The story that you did craft was one that in hindsight, was semi obvious, but it was still very creative. All together, I love it.




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Tue Nov 18, 2014 11:57 pm
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Firelight says...



Wow. I loved this :) my favorite part was the taxes not being paid.... It made me want to fly over to Pompeii and give those poor frozen dwarves some money!!!





What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines