Published April 5, 2013
Of what you believe in, there isn't much you can do about it. A belief stays forever and transforms into what you term as religion and most commonly known as "faith". Your told about God ever since you can learn to write the letter "A" and even if you have never seen Him help you or known of His existence, you still believe in Him...
She wasn't much actually, nothing extra-ordinarily beautiful like her mother. The first time i saw her the only two features i could notice to be commendable were her eyes and her smile. I think the most important aspect here of descrirption is what she looked like. Hence, i'll leave that unfinished so that you remain curious (evil laugh).
I really miss her you know, infact, i miss everything about her. I only knew her and that was enough for me. Knowing her was enough only because...i belived in her. I never loved her nor was she my friend but her existence was all the association i had with her. Honestly, if you knew her she'd make you laugh, she'd pass by you and give that courteous smile and best of all she'd hide her eyes from an eye contact. Perhaps she knew what her eyes were capable of but then again so did Medusa.
Here my purpose was only to give you a pass by glance of her. You know that moment you pass by someone you don't know and you turn your head to look again? I can probably guess you turned your head to look again if you eagerly wait for the next part.
Fact: Paulo Cohelo's book "The Alechemist", the sheperd fell in love with a woman named Fatima.
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I'm sorry but your lack of capitalizing your "I's" and not putting "you're" instead of "your" when you're trying to say "you are" kind of threw me off, but I'm going to try to look over that.
Your first paragraph confused me. I didn't agree with most of what you said, and it wasn't written very well.
You don't need the hyphen between extraordinarily.
I like it where you said: "The first time i saw her the only two features i could notice to be commendable were her eyes and her smile."
But when you said, "i could notice to be commendable," that doesn't sound right and it flows awkwardly. But the "eyes and her smile" part was cute.
They way you tried to keep us in the dark about her looks wasn't too good either. You're keeping things from us and we aren't even interested in your writing yet. I just want to stop reading if you won't tell me anything.
"I only knew her and that was enough for me." That doesn't make sense to me somehow. If you "only know" someone, then why write anything about them?
"I believed in her," If you believe in someone, I think you do more than "know" about them.
This third paragraph was pretty much talking about feelings and raw emotions trying to be explained. You did a pretty good job.
No, I didn't turn my head again becasue by now I am bored, sorry. You have to spice this up if you want anyone to be interested in it.
Keep writing, you have a lot to do! Keep it up!
LACK OF CAPITALIZATION. xd
Let me laugh for a long while.... *remembers your rant*
Alrighty,
To start off this is not a bad piece of writing! I really like the concept behind it and you've done a terrific job giving it suspense and intrigue. My favorite line was definatly the comparison between the power of her eyes and Medusa's. Brilliant.
I do have some suggestions though mostly to improve the flow and grammar (I'm a grammar Nazi)
1. Spell check is a beautiful thing, I'd encourage everyone to use it
2. Please get in the habit of capitalizing "I"
3. "nothing extra-ordinarily beautiful like her mother"
"extraordinarily" (one word)
4. Although I do like the first person narrative style a lot I would suggest getting rid of some things such as the "(evil laugh)" and "you know" just to make it a little more professional, but that's just an opinion.
5. "Infact"= "In fact"
6.Another opinion I'm going to share is to possibly switch the line "I never loved her nor was she my friend but her existence was all the association i had with her." to come before the lines "I only knew her and that was enough for me. Knowing her was enough only because... I believed in her." just to improve the flow of that paragraph.
7. "Honestly, if you knew her she'd make you laugh, she'd pass by you and give that courteous smile and best of all she'd hide her eyes from an eye contact." I feel as though there should be a period after laugh.
8. In the first line of the last paragraph there were two things, I would change "pass by glance" to "passing glance" (which I think was what you were going for) and I also feel that the "here" at the beginning of the sentence is unneeded.
I would also take the time to work on the closing paragraph a bit more, you can understand what you're trying to get across but the sentence structures could be a little bit stronger.
Good luck with your further writings!
Heyya!!
I really like this and sure going to see what you have in the next part.
You seem to have not capitalized many of your Is. Maybe that is the only thing I have a problem with.
I don't think you need to add "you know". It sounds unprofessional and would do better without it.
I love associations with Greek mythology so I like your introduction of Medusa. She fits in well.
I'v read the Alchemist so I understand the fact.
Is this part of a novel? Or a short story? Because alone I don't know what this is intended for as its much too short for a short story.
I like the way you created the suspense, by giving nothing about Fatima except maybe for what kind of effect she has on you.
good read!
-manisha