Published February 13, 2010
Weakness?
I'm locked in you-
I am aware-
trapt inside
your captive stare.
Those amber eyes
are my demise,
the trojan horse
of your disguise.
But it's nothing to
your lullaby,
the siren's song
that makes me cry,
but out of sorrow
or out of bliss?
I'd never know
but for your kiss,
like Heaven's Hell-
I am aware-
a Judas kiss,
but I dont care.
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140,771 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
It was ok. I was bord. Write something not about love
"Weakness?", this is a very strong poem. I like how the poem is opened with "I'm locked in you-", I feel as if weakness is a living person. The person lives inside of you, and it is part of you. The poem also talks about a kiss, which changes my thinking of what the poem means. It is interesting because it can mean different things. It is creative and fun to think about.
Thumbs up for me!^^
Hiya!
Well, let's start with what caught my eye at the poem first. I think that your trapt should be trapped. Next thing that I noticed is that you do the rhythm in many places, it was nice to read. But, what went against the positive reading with the rhymes, is maybe that it all is glued into one big stanza. Might try cutting it in more stanzas? If you take a look on the poems of other people who made it to "featured" , many of them use stanzas, each stanza holds a specific picture, a specific feeling.
Otherwise, this is a good work =) Don't be discouraged by any harsh comments and just keep going on, you'll improve with time.
PM me if you edit this poem, I'd gladly take a look.
Kyousuke
Man, this is awesome!!!
I think this is a great poem; like callmeLily73 said, it really caught my eye and spoke to me.
I love you poem! It really catches my attechtion and really speaks to me! keep on writing!
