Don't hate what you make

Oh, I was more taking it as a depechmode tint with a more emotional rock to it :L but if it can be done as a rap, it might come useful to me. And I will remember which section to post it in

Hi jake,

I edited your rating to 18+ because of mature language in your work. Please remember to check the ratings guide before posting!

This has also, unfortunately, been posted in the wrong place. I know it's pretty confusing because we have a Lyric Poetry section, but we also have a section called Lyrics, where I think you meant to place this! I'll move it for you, don't worry.

I felt the emotion in this, and it struck me as almost a rap song. I don't know how you envisaged the music, but right now this struck me as Eminem-esque in its construction. Unfortunately I think the weakest part is the chorus, which doesn't sound like it would be very good. The anger comes through in the verses, but it's oddly forgotten in the chorus, which feels limp and empty in comparison. I think you should work on making your chrous top notch, give it more impact, more heart.

I said I look at your lyrics, no? I found a few more minor mistakes, so I'll point them out here:

jake457 wrote:

Im standing here
Don’t fucking call me great
If you just gonna, change your mind
Cause I'm not gonna waste my time
I write it down in this rhyme
Leaving now, you’re full of grime

You think you’re so sublime
But you’re a waste life and a
A waste of heart
You shallow people
Leave me now forever
Cause you fucked me over
And now I'm done

Chorus

So I say, so I sing
I am me
Not a drug, for you life
Not a toy
I'm just a guy
Not no robot
I can not,
Fly-
You will drop me
When you know this

EDITED ON MY PERSONAL FILES!

Ok! First I just wanna show some parts that you messed up on and what they should be. The parts are in red

jake457 wrote:

I'm standing here
Just wonder- ring
‘cause when I hear,
Your stupid thoughts
The same ol’ story
It’s always is (this didn't make sense there.)
With you people

[build up]

I'm getting sick
of this rut
You treat me like
some stupid slut
You keep me there
To make you feel
So fucking good
Then you're bored
You say bye-bye
And ya gone for good

chorus
What’s the point of being kind
It always fucks me over
People always seem to
Leave me there behind
I feel so stupid and blind-
I'm not so trusting, anymore
don’t hate what you make
Of me

Don’t fucking call me great
If you just gonna, change your mind
Cause i'm not gonna waste my time
I write it down in this rhyme
Leaving now, you’re full of grime

You think you’re so sublime
But you’re a waste (of) life and a
A waste of heart
You shallow people
Leave me now forever
Cause you fucked me over
And now im done

Chorus

So I say, so I sing
I am me
Not a drug, for you life
Not a toy
Im just a guy
Not no robot
I can not,
Fly-
You will drop me
When you know this


Chorus-end
What’s the point,
being kind
Fuck me over
People always
Leave behind
feel so blind
not trusting, anymore
don’t hate now
You made me!