Reason for treason

by jaeyoung
  • September 30, 2011
  • Poetry
  • Lyrical

Right, I write
'till the dawn comes bright
Right I fight
'till my vessel bears white

Where to thy sail
with mind so frail?
What do thy dream
despair reigning supreme

With waters so cold
adventure simmering to unfold
I write to fight,
but I sail to fail

Comments & reviews · 2
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perdido
Review
perdido wrote a review · Fri Sep 30, 2011 5:02 pm

I don't like the old english. It has no place in contemporary poetry. Also I didn't like the rhyme scheme. It smothered the poem into oblivion. I mean even the title rhymes. THE TITLE! When you write rhyming poems, you have to be the master of the words you rhyme, not their slave. So what you have hear is a half-formed maritime poem that makes little sense.

some advice.

lose the old english, lose the rhyme scheme. Read up on contemporary poetry for some ideas. Think about specific, tangible details. Sensory details. Think about nouns. Remember that we live in a material world.

User avatar
polinkacreations
Review
polinkacreations wrote a review · Fri Sep 30, 2011 2:48 pm

I really like the Old English "thy"'s. It is interesting, and can be interpreted in different ways. I think you need a comma after the second Right in the third line, too. Also, a comma after the "despair" and the "reigning"?
Otherwise, it flows very well, and has deep meaning even if it is short.
I liked the "'till the dawn comes bright". Very nice image.
Also, the sailing with a "frail" mind made me think of what you might have meant. This really got me interested, well done:D
But, I don't like the "simmering" - it sounds a bit awkward. Maybe "wanting to unfold"? Or, keep it as it is.
The more I read it over, the more I like it. This is great.
Keep this up, it's awesome:)
polly xx



The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest