[Faye - Thursday]
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CARCASSES.
There were two of them in front of her, and Faye could already spot at least one more in the distance.
She knelt down, felt the morning dew beginning to soak into the knees of her jeans.
A cow and her calf, lying beside each other. Dead for six hours at least, maybe eight. The flies were already thick on their bloodied hides. She studied them for a second, fascinated.
It was the wounds that struck her the most.
Their fronts were covered in blood that had already begun to dry. Massive pieces of their necks were missing, bitten completely off, their throats simply eaten away. Not a single scratch on the rest of their bodies. Just a huge chunk of flesh, gone.
As Faye studied the bodies of the two farm animals, she reached two conclusions.
This was the handiwork of a predator.
And this predator knew exactly how to kill a living creature in an instant.
“And you said you didn’t hear anything?” she asked, beginning to stand back up.
The two people standing behind her shuffled. “Not a sound,” said the woman.
Faye turned around, faced the middle-aged couple. The Ellises, neighboring farm owners. “This thing went straight for their throats, took them out before they could even react or try to run. But it didn’t eat ‘em once they were dead. This thing killed your livestock for sport.”
Mr. Ellis, a short, pudgy human with a depressed curl of beard, eyed her nervously. His cheeks were flushed redder than usual as he spoke. “So this animal… must be pretty big, you think?”
She shrugged. “Maybe.”
She glanced down at the ankle-length grass the dead cows were lying in. Tried to spot any depressions in the grass, any tracks that might lead them through the open field. But even if she had a bit of skill tracking, it was nowhere near enough to be able to find any clues. “Did you count how many you lost?”
“We’ve found five so far,” Mrs. Ellis replied. Her small eyes squinted out of massive glasses, and she was about a foot taller than her husband. “This happened once before, just one cow that time.”
Faye scanned the open field, her eyes grazing over wide acres of pasture land, tiny dots of livestock scattered around. In the distance, she spotted the forest that marked the edge of the Manson county line. The woods were dark and thick, and seemed to her like they could be full of anything.
Her roving eyes caught something else, a tiny shape lying in the Ellises’ pasture far away. She focused on it, tried to pick it out. She realized it was another dead animal.
She pointed at the shape in the distance. “Is that one of the five?”
The Ellises paused, staring in the direction she was pointing. After a long moment, the woman said, “No. We didn’t see that one.”
“Let’s go check it out,” Faye said. “I’ll tell you one thing right now: that one’s definitely not a cow.”
The Ellises glanced at her in surprise. Faye swung on them, examining their expressions. She looked to Mr. Ellis. “You got a gun on you, Frank?”
He shook his head slowly, his beard twitching against his neck. “Not at the moment.”
“Maybe you should,” she told him.
<2>
“We’ve heard a couple others say they spotted a bear in the woods. Think it might have been a bear?” Mr. Ellis asked.
The three of them were hiking the open pasture, still several meters from the carcass that had caught their attention. Faye was in the lead, the Ellises tagging along behind her. She felt an emptiness in her stomach, realized she hadn’t had breakfast before walking to her neighbors’ farmhouse. She fished in her pocket, found a granola bar she’d stuffed there before leaving the house. “Possibly. But I doubt it.”
“Why?”
“A bear might’ve used its claws, Laurie. But there were no slashes on the bodies. This animal chomped on their throats. We’re not looking for claws, we’re looking for jaws.”
They walked in silence for a second. Faye’s eyes focused on the carcass steadily growing closer, trying to figure out what it was. Her fingers tore into the wrapper of the granola bar.
“A wolf, maybe,” Mrs. Ellis suggested.
Faye ripped the wrapper apart, bit into a massive chunk of granola. She glanced back at the couple behind her, chewed once, spoke through a mouthful.
“Heck of a wolf.”
She looked ahead.
The bloodhound.
She froze in surprise for just a second, then dropped the bar, hustled up to the carcass. She knelt down by the dog, refusing to believe her eyes.
She heard the Ellises hurry up behind her, and the woman cried out, “Faye… is that… your dog?”
Faye nodded. She would recognize Dune anywhere. Long-legged and deathly skinny, with a thin, keen face and grey hair. Its fur was matted in some places, pink skin showing in others. But no sign of injuries.
“How long has he been missing?”
Faye thought. “Bout four months.”
Mr. Ellis knelt down beside her to get a closer look at the dog. “Well, guess we found our predator,” he said.
Faye swung her gaze onto the man. “You think he killed your cows?”
He shrugged. But Faye shook her head. “No way he did this. He’s a tracker, not a killer.”
“I thought it might be a dog,” Mrs. Ellis said.
“You said wolf, Laurie” Faye pointed out. She grabbed the dog’s slender mouth and wrapped two fingers around it, showing it to the couple. “You think this gouged out your cows’ throats? And even if he could’ve, there’s no blood on his face. Your cows died maybe six hours ago, blood everywhere. And there’s no way he’d have done it quietly. He’d bark up a storm at the slightest thing. You heard him too.”
Mr. Ellis scratched his beard, nodding slowly. “Suppose that’s true. What do you think killed him?”
Faye paused, her eyes still examining the body. She shook her head, sitting back on her heels. “Don’t know. No sign of injury, no broken bones or anything. It beats me, to be honest. Maybe he starved.”
“After four months?” Mrs. Ellis pointed out. “He must’ve died within the last three days.”
“You’re right. Doesn’t make sense.”
Faye stood back up, felt the blood rushing back into her legs, her eyes still fixed on the corpse of her bloodhound. A good friend once. She reached for her phone, began searching her contacts list.
“What’re you doing?” Mr. Ellis asked.
“I have a friend, a veterinary specialist,” Faye explained. “I’ll bring the carcass to him.”
“Is that necessary?”
Faye glanced up from her phone. “Yeah. I wanna figure out how my dog died. Maybe it’ll give us a clue about your livestock-killing predator.”
The Ellises both nodded. The man spoke up. “And if the thing comes back?”
Faye dialed the number, looked over at the Ellises.
“Shoot it,” she said. “Then call me.”
Faye began to walk up the pasture, looked at her house in the distance. A man’s voice came on over the phone.
“Andy?” she said. “Hey. I need a favor…”
<3>
Faye watched as Andy examined the carcass of the bloodhound on the matte white table. After only a few seconds, he muttered, “No injuries.”
Faye nodded. “First thing I noticed, too. Means he wasn’t killed by an animal.”
Andy opened the dog’s mouth with rubber-gloved hands. “Probably.”
“Probably?”
He looked up from his work. “We can’t rule that out yet. He’s extremely underweight, but otherwise seems like he was fairly healthy. It’s possible it was a disease or a poisonous plant, or maybe something else we’re completely missing.”
“I need you to find out, please,” Faye said.
He paused. “Why’s it so important?”
She thought about her answer, not sure if she should bring up the predator thing. “Because I don’t know what’s going on, and I hate not knowing what’s going on. I’m sure there’s more to it.”
“And if there isn’t more to it?”
She crossed her arms. “Then I’d like to know.”
He shrugged, gestured to the carcass. “Well, you may be right about there being more going on. Look at this.”
Faye stepped closer. Andy lifted the dog’s back leg up, pulling its upper thighs apart. She frowned in surprise.
“Swollen,” she commented. Hadn’t noticed that before. “What does that mean?”
“Not sure yet. But it’s weird, for sure.”
He stepped back, taking the gloves off. “I’ll have to take a closer look later. I’ll call you if I find anything.”
Faye nodded, giving one last glance at Dune. “Thanks for your help.”
He brushed it off. “No problem.”
Faye began to move for the door, then stopped. She bit her lip, thinking. Andy glanced at her in curiosity. “What is it?” he said.
“Hey…” she began thoughtfully, “have you heard anything weird from anyone else?”
Andy’s eyes narrowed a bit, seeming intrigued by the question. “What’d’you mean?”
“I don’t know… I was just curious… Anyone see anything or lose any animals?”
He paused. “Funny you should ask.”
Faye felt her eyes widen just slightly, surprised. “Who?”
“Three or four of the animal owners around the border. A couple of them had their livestock killed or spotted some strange-looking animal from a distance. No one knows anything about it, though. They were asking me.”
He took a step closer, a small gasp. “You saw something?”
Faye stared for a second, trying to resist his concerned look. After a long second, she shook her head. “No.”
She reached for the door handle, began to pull it open without saying goodbye. Her attempted exit was stopped as Andy put his hand on the door.
“Are you okay, Faye?” he asked.
She gave him a defiant look, stood still for a few seconds. He looked genuinely worried about her.
“I can take care of myself,” she muttered.
She pushed herself through the doorframe and hurried out. As she walked away, she heard Andy’s voice behind her.
“That’s what I’m worried about…”
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Hey, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you! because you reviewed me I thought I might as well pop in and have a look!
My first repression of this chapter was just WOW, mind blowing! I'm really amazing with how easy you made writing this look! *jealous*
Oh dear what happened? Great opening by the way!
Gruesome but really good description! It all flows really wall!
Had a little duh moment here. Although I don't really know any predator that can do that, so maybe its man made, or something fantasy? Hmm questions are building up.
Hmm, very suspicious, how could they have not heard their cows being killed? Unless they were to afraid to go see what the animal was?
I had a little laugh here, this poor man.
Also maybe swap out the human for man. Its will sound a little better.
Great little description you have here!
This first sentence doesn't seem the flow right, maybe think about rewording it a little. Something like this I don't have to use what I've said but something like that would help.
There isn't anything really wrong with your second sentence it flows well, but to me it feels like its a little off with the rest of your story, I feel like there should be a lot more mystery behind the woods and I'm not really getting that so maybe word it like this, again you don't have to use my example.
And the plot thickens!
Over all I just love this little setup! Its very interesting and it has all my cogs turning! I'm very excited to see what will happen next for out little Faye and the cow killer, and poor Dune.
Anyway great chapter loved everything about it! I hope you post again soon. I I'll be looking forward to the next chapter. Have a great day or night!
Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion. 🔥
Thanks for taking a look! Yeah I can see that there's some flow and description issues. Thanks for letting me know what works/doesn't work as a reader. That's always very revealing and very helpful.
No problem! I'm glad I could help you out! Even though there is a few issues I still really love this chapter! I have me hooked!
Hey there!
First, my nitpicks and suggestions as I read (I bold what needs to be changed):
1.
delete: unnecessary
2.
flows weird maybe try: "She knelt down and felt the morning dew begin to soak into her jeans."
3. ok as I'm reading this I'm thinking overall your flow could use some work. I think your issue is sentence length. It's all consistently kinda choppy and short and while at first, I think it's perfect because it makes the description stronger it gets old. When we speak, think whatever we naturally mix up our sentence length and doing the same in writing is important. First of all it helps the natural flow of things, but it also makes it so when you do break the pattern to emphasize something the contrast is stronger.
4. I think by the time you're describing the wound you should start making some longer sentences. A few short ones like is fine, but again all short just gets... tiring.
5.
period and capitalize: should be a new sentence
try "Mrs Ellis' small" also then change comma to period: flows better
6.
Remove tag and combine: you are almost edging on having too many dialogues tags another thing that can stunt flow
7.
Remove tag: makes it more pow
8. Sentence length mix gets better after the 2, but still be careful about too many short sentences.
9.
read over this aloud: I'm not sure what it is exactly but this came across as just wrong it totally made me pause, I understand what you were going for, but maybe think about rewording it
10.
add and
11.
comma and uncapitalize
12.
missing comma
13.
get rid of the tag, also get rid of the tag in the following line of dialogue (andy one)
Ok, so I stopped picking stuff up at the three because most of it is similar to what I've already covered. Now I realize that I've made quite a few comments, but I'll let you in on a little secret, the more I nitpick the more I like a story (weird I know). Basically what I'm saying is I LOVED this. I had to remind myself to slow down and really read carefully because I kept just getting sucked in.
As for the plot, characters, descriptions etc. you are doing amazing. It's interesting, unique, and the people seem to react like real people (a weird compliment but one I rarely give). So I think improvement wise you don't have far to go until perfection. To get there I think the biggest help to you would be to try reading your work aloud or even changing the font can help you see it freshly. That way you can get a better idea of how it's going to flow for the reader. This is something I often have to do myself because even though our writing makes sense in our own head others will quickly pick up on even the little weird things. With that to help your flow focus on sentence length, avoiding too many choppy sentences, and be careful about over tagging dialogue.
Anyway, I hope this review is helpful to you, feel free to ask me any questions, and I hope to see more of this story soon. (I really want to know what's happening)
Slainte - Junel
Thank you! I appreciate your breaking down of issues in my style that make it clunky and harder to read. I have a hard time pinning down WHAT it is that makes my writing a bit frustrating from a structure and mechanics point of view, and your critiques really helped me know what recurring things are causing that trouble, and isolate what to fix. I'm very glad to hear you were able to enjoy it all the same! Thanks again!
Overall, I really enjoyed this. It read like the beginning of a Sherlock Holmes case on a farm cooperative. You have great descriptions of the bodies, the setting, and characters. The story is well paced, cutting away at just the right moment. I have nothing for you to really improve upon but I'm excited to see where the story goes.
Thanks!