eins.
you were
the smoke pouring out of her mouth,
(misty coils of a vague filth,
dancing to noir jazz, fading with each note)
smudged lipstick on the side of of her mouth,
and the little streak that crawled to her tooth
when she bit her lip in a supposed wonder,
and her eyes threw a faint film over themselves,
(like an elegant lady wraps a silk shawl around herself in a light breeze)
zwei.
you had
the light feet of a dancer
whose calluses were hidden under tight shoes,
whose toes would arch like Nut over her children,
(and she or you would spin with the earth, holding her frame as if-
as if earth was something of mass, as if it had a shape to hold onto)
whose leg would stretch over her head,
her arms, long, pretty, snakes, her fingers curled, and her wrists tense
(her eyelashes were grazing her cheekbones,
her ballet whisking her like a beaten egg, and the laces of her shoes
caught on a rusty nail, which sliced her ankle open, a wince danced on her lips,
mocking her)
drei.
you sang
a whisper from an old throat,
beaten with cigarette smoke
(an old rusty pipe, with water leaking into the raw dirt)
static from an old radio, each whir with a purpose,
(a language you never learned, so you make do with "hellos," "how are yous?" and "good-byes")
the voice that was a crow, choking on a small paperclip it picked up from your windowsill to build its nest.
(the sun was reaching out to stroke it, bouncing off its surface,
an appeal to the bird's eye)
vier.
she lightly tapped her cigarette holder on the mahogany ash tray,
left a ten dollar bill in the old musician's trumpet case,
and with her aching heel, and blister on her pinkie toe,
gracelessly paraded out of the bar,
moving her tongue over the stain on her tooth.
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139,547 Literary Works • 672,606 Reviews
As a German speaking American, I loved your use of German! So a super high to that! But that is just one small thing I loved about this. I love how its so real (for lack of a better word). You really feel like you are in the moment. The way you described the smoke "pouring out of her mouth, (misty coils of a vague filth, dancing to noir jazz, fading with each note)" was tremendous in every sense of the word! With that said you had me right off the bat. I agree with Aurrora though, about starting each section with you__ but the last one threw it a bit off balance....but I kind of liked that about it. Great job!
thank you very very much
I was really, really confused by "eins" at the beginning. I stared at it for a few minutes, unsure what to do with that little word, until I stuck it in Google Translate. Very clever
There are just a few extra words "and her eyes threw on a faint film" would sound better, and set you up better for the next sentence. For the next one, (like an elegant lady wraps a shawl around herself) would be a lot easier to read. Specificity is good, but you don't too much. You could get away with "silk shawl" or "light breeze" but with both its too much detail. I want to be able to imagine it myself
For one thing, I love, love, love your format. It's new and awesome and I am a sucker for organization. I think, thought, if you have a "you _" at the beginning of every section, you should have one for the ending too. It looks weird without one, and interrupts the flow of the story.
*"when she bit her lip in a supposed wonder," I like this idea, but its a little wordy. How about "in supposed wonder" or "with supposed wonder".
*"and her eyes threw a faint film over themselves,
(like an elegant lady wraps a silk shawl around herself in a light breeze)" You have some really great imagery here. I like it
*I have nothing to say about the second section, except that its beautiful and unexpected and I love it.
*(a language you never learned, so you make do with "hellos," "how are yous?" and "good-byes") This is really, really long. I would take out the "how are yous?".
*(... an appeal to the bird's eye) This is an awkward sounding line. "an appeal" is typically a legal procedure. How about "appealing to the bird's eye" or "catching the bird's eye"? or even "drawing the bird's eye"?
*I also love the last section. I still think you need a "you _" or even a "she _" at the beginning, but it ties everything together and gives a good ending to the character and story arc. It's rather wonderful.
I love what this makes me think of; black-and-white movies, smokey bars and old-fashioned starlets. Also, things that are pretty at first glance and shabby at second. I really, really like this. I can't wait for more of your work!
Love,
Rory
aww thank you again for another review! <333 i really appreciate it and will take everything into consideration in future works! (i wrote this like a month or two ago haha)