Nice piece with lots of fantastic detail but the lack of punctuation and ridiculously long sentences made it so hard to read. I had to really concentrate and it was more of a chore than an entertaining read. This is a shame as this piece could be really good. Here are a few pointers to put you on the right track...
Boys and girls hop on the streets under the nine o’clock moon in the warm city night, howling and whooping into the drafty venue with LED lights and a disco ball in a shadowy hall half-filled with boys and girls jumping and waving, mixing their arms with air already humid with crystal laughter and rich sighs.
What a mammoth first sentence! Try this maybe...
Boys and girls hop on the streets under the nine o’clock moon; in the warm city night, howling and whooping into the drafty venue. LED lights and a disco ball in a shadowy hall half-filled with boys and girls jumping and waving, mixing their arms with air already humid with crystal laughter and rich sighs.
Look at the stage, the speakers, the keyboard, the drum set, the microphones, the guitars, the violin, the wires, all listening intently to the minuet we are performing with our laughter and sighs as we await our turn to listen intently to their sonata.
Look at the stage, the speakers, the keyboard, the drum set, the microphones, the guitars, the violin, the wires. We were all listening intently to the minuet we are performing with our laughter and sighs as we await our turn to listen intently to their sonata.
Having just made suggestions to the first paragraph, I won't patronise you and make the same points to the whole thing as the same process needs to be done throughout. If you need any help with it PM me and I'll be only too glad to lend a hand!
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Reviews: 197
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