Bette grasped my hand in hers, I crossed my fingers once again, staring up at the short, chubby, and sweaty man named Mr. Casey. He was the “mastermind” behind the curtain of the games. He always announced the elimination, based on your scores. Of course the scores were based on your survival skills, hostility, and determination. I'm surprised my brother and I are still in Morphia.
Mr. Casey stepped up to the microphone at town hall, a big building in the middle of every level. He went around to each level announcing the two people eliminated, nobody knew what happened to them. Most people just assumed they died.
He cleared his throat, glancing at the papers on the podium, “ Good day morphers, and welcome to level three elimination day. Today two of you will leave us and the rest of you will head back to your dorms for a good nights rest before level four,” he says this like it's a cheerful thing, but he doesn't know what it's like.
The crowd stirred nervously. Mumbling and sobbing softly, groups of girls holding onto each other.
“ The first person going home is,” He began, Bette looked at me and I shot her a week grin. Mr. Casey looked at his paper and smiled, “ Tess La'Shay.” He finished, I heard a sob and a few high-pitched screams. Tess walked on her wobbly heels up and onto the stage. She made a shot struggle, kicking and screaming but one of the guards pulled out a little tranquilizer and injected it into her, she fell limp and they took her away. I didn't know Tess very well, but I felt bad for her.
“ And our last person to be eliminated today is,” Mr. Casey paused, creating suspense within the crowd,
“ Blake Heller,” Mr. Casey grinned, his yellow toothed smile. My heart sank and I couldn't breath. I choked up and froze. Blake looked at me nervously and wrapped his arms around me. I choked out one big sob and wrapped my arms around him. I couldn't believe this was happening, my brother was leaving and I would never see him again.
“ Goodbye Rose,” he breathed in my ear. I tried to shout but nothing came out. He patted my head, “ Do me one favor,”he said.
I nodded and pulled myself together, “ Anything,” I replied.
“ Win the competition.” He said strait forward, turning and walking towards the patient Mr. Casey and allowing himself to be taken away.
Fury boiled inside me, Bette wrapped her arms around me put I pushed her away. I willed myself to change, and standing in my place stood a vicious cheetah. The change was painless, but my vision turned to black and white and I stood on four feet. My heart was pounding and my razor-sharp teeth were barred.
“Code red!” Mr. Casey bellowed and I didn't care. I growled so frightening the worst predator would have run to their mommy.
“ Primrose settle down!” I heard Ripley's strong voice call from the crowd. No Mortilian would ever dare get close to a person already morphed.
“ Somebody stop the madness!” Mr. Casey yelled hysterically from the stage. I watched in black and white as Ripley approached me without fear.
“ Primrose, stop it now, they'll kill you and you know it.” Ripley spat. I snorted and morphed back into myself.
“ Primrose Heller I hope I never see that behavior again.” Mr. Casey exclaimed, pulling on his beige suit and trying to look strong.
I nodded uncomfortably, Ripley walked over to me silently. He placed his arm around my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
I laid my head on his chest and sobbed wildly. Standing as everybody but the three of us cleared out of the town hall.
“It's going to be okay,” He breathed in my ear, Bette by his side, lost for words. I shook my head, wiping tears from my eyes.
I shook my head and backed away. Bette grabbed my hand and held it comfortingly in hers. The three of us walked silently back to each others dorms.
We reached Ripley's dorm, “ Bye guys, and Primrose I'm sorry.” He smiled grimly and stepped into his room, closing the door. Then, Bette's dorm was next and she gave me a big hug and disappeared into her room.
My walk was silent back to my dorm, lonely I was. My heart sank as I entered my own dorm, seeing that Blake wasn't there and that this was just a big trick and Blake would laugh and so would I. But no, unfortunately Blake's stuff was still in his drawers and Blake wasn't there at all.
I laid down on my bed sideways and cried myself to sleep.
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
Okay, thanks! I'll definatly work on that, and sorry it sounded so cliche. : )
Is it just me, or did you just info-dump a huge load on us? I don’t think you should have given all this information in a narrative style, since it bores the reader. Maybe she could eat breakfast and slip in that information about where the food comes from “They give us food, clothing, shelter, and all the necessities” or she could brush against somebody else and notice their badge ranking their level and age, and thus you could slip in another piece of information, “I was on level three, I'm thirteen years old going on fourteen in days.”
You see, you have to feed the reader information slowly and subtly, so that they’re never aware of it, and so that they can think they found it out on their own (which is silly, but that’s how it works). Mystery stories are notorious for this, gently guiding the reader towards the final solution with foreshadowing and letting them figure it out themselves. It causes a false sense of accomplishment to rise up and thus makes the reader feel good. Keeping the reader feeling good is important if you ever want to sell your books.
But whatever, I’m getting off-topic.
One last note before I go, this whole plot is highly clichéd.
Seriously, a game? I’ve read at least ten different stories where the characters had to go through a Game of different levels. The plot varies, and different things happen, but the end result is the same: the main character survives while all his/hers friends die off in the various levels.
If you have her break out of the Game and attack the highest echelon of the ‘They’ people, then that might be better, but still clichéd.
You’ve already started, so go ahead and finish, but try as hard as you can to keep out of the clichéd ruts.
Jenthura
EDIT: I probably should have posted this on the first chapter, hmm....
Thanks!
Hello,
Just a couple nitpicks right quick and then the rest of the review.
I think you meant "weak". Week is like the days of the week. Sunday, Monday etc.
If she doesn't know Tess very well, how can she know she's a brat?
And the "even though she's a brat," part seems a little awkward in this sentence.
Just as it was in the first chapter, I want to read more. The idea that everyone can turn into animals is pure awesome. Hopefully we'll get to see this in action soon?
Good job. Keep writing.
~Crazy
Hey!
I have just a few nitpicks:
Well, I reviewed the first chapter ages ago, so I thought I'd come back and read the next one. And wow! I had no idea the plot was going to be so awesome from the version of the first chapter I read!
In this one sentence you have two verbs that mean pretty much the same thing, and three adjectives, and it feels a bit like you're clogging it up with words which aren't really needed. I would suggest going with either "staring" or "looking", and taking out one of the adjectives. Just a suggestion, but as it is it reads quite awkwardly.
Bit of an info-dump. I appreciate that the reader needs to know this knowledge to understand what's going on, but could you find some way to put it in so that it fits with the flow of the story better? Maybe insert it into a conversation, or a judge reading out the rules, or something like that.
You've slipped into present tense here. Also, if this guy's the mastermind of the games then surely he does know what it's like. It might make him into a more interesting, more sinister character if he did know, but was okay with it.
For me, this morphing into animals is one of the most interesting elements of the plot so far, so it would be nice to have some more description about what it feels like to change and what it's like being this creature. As it is it's treated very matter-of-factly, and almost skimmed over.
Overall, I liked this. The plot is already pretty engrossing and I'd definitely like to read more of it. I do think it would be good if you built up the tension more as they're announcing who's kicked off. Like in the X Factor they wait an age before they announce who's got through, and everyone's really nervous - I can imagine that happening here. And if people get that worked up about a talent show, how nervous are they gonna be when they're facing potential death? But as it is I'm not really feeling it.
Keep writing!