The old, beat up laundry basket was dropped carelessly onto the ground after the woman had taken out all the whites. She opened up the washer door and shoved the clothes inside. Then, opening the dryer, she piled all the dry white fabrics hastily into the basket.
The white shirts and socks bounced around loosely in the basket as the it was carried up the wooden stairs. The woman hit hard wood floor and stepping into a carpeted room, putting the basket on the soft bed.
She sighed as she examined the condition, the basket looked like it had been in World War 2. The plastic was scratched and cut and dirty in some spots. The woman needed a new one, but it would just mean spending another two dollars on something that wasn't nessesary.
She removed all the clothes leisurely now, taking her time to fold each piece of white clothing carefully. She hummed a soft tune happily as she folded. Once finished, the basket was left on the bed until she had delivered all the clothing to their rightful order. When she came back, she took the ancient laundry basket into her grasp and walked onto the floor again.
Looking down the stairs, she tossed the basket carelessly down the wooden stairs; it was loud as it fell, far far down until it hit the stone tiles at the bottom of the stairs. The laundry basket waiting for the washer to beep, and the next load of clothes to be finished.
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138,503 Literary Works • 672,144 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that seem to be some fairly typical laundry things that we're starting off with here. Certainly not much happening here besides that and well we are talking about a laundry basket so that makes as lot of sense. I am loving the way that you've managed to bring this piece to life so far. Let's see what more we learn about this laundry basket.
Oooh I like this. We're giving this laundry basket a bit of a history here, now that suddenly makes things a lot more interesting that just the fact that laundry is being piled into it. I love how much of an extra dimension it adds to it although the reason for not buying a new one turning out to simply be the waste of money is a bit of letdown right after we learn of this history.
Okayy well that is about par for the course with what you expect a laundry basket to be treated as, although that doesn't exactly make things better here. You do feel an odd bit of sadness somehow. I suppose you can't expect much more although I'm maybe just used to stories that focus on little things like that generally having some sort of extra sentiment attached to it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks!
Hi there
!
I understand where you were trying to get to with this piece. Here's the laundry basket--an old, dilapidated thing that's taken for granted in spite of the fact that it serves its purpose well. But this piece doesn't really jump off the screen for me. It doesn't engage the reader's emotions in the way it should. I think you should describe the laundry basket as if it were a person, like, say, an old man who does his work excellently, but doesn't receive any credit for it. Think of how that old man would feel. Elaborate on the anguish of being ignored and unappreciated, coupled with the physical pains of growing old. That'll make the story more dynamic, and also make the laundry basket's relationship to the woman more relevant.
I hope this will help you add more zing to your story. Good luck! Keep writing.
Thanks a bunch!
Hey there, jDawn! Sorry for being so late; debate sessions are in full season.
Since this is a pretty short piece, I’ll go through this with a fine-tooth comb. I might seem harsh in places, but I really do want to help you improve. And this has a lot of potential already.
Necessary, not nessesary. And it should be “its condition” instead of “the condition”.
Here, you should expand on how the laundry basket looked. We know it’s scratched and cut and dirty, but paint us a picture of it. Show us what it actually looked, how the plastic was rough in some places when the woman ran her fingers over it or something of the sort.
Also, I believe this is the moment where you should tell us what significance the laundry basket holds for the woman --- why you chose to write about it and not something else.
This place here is, I’m sorry to say, a bit boring. It’s just a paragraph about how the woman is folding her clothes.
Speaking of the woman, try to expand her character. All we know about her is that a) she’s a woman, b) she obviously has some connection to the woman but we, the readers have no idea what, and c) she has just gone through World War II. Does she have a job? Any children? Married or still single?
This is actually a pretty good ending.
The other reviewers before me have already pointed out all of the things you need to notice when you edit --- that is, expand, expand, expand! Elaborate, especially on why this laundry basket is important.
Anyways, just as I said at the beginning, this has a lot of potential. Elaborating on finer points will make this story even better; keep writing, and if you have any questions, PM me.
~iceprincess =]
okay! Thanks to both of you!
cannoncomplex here to review the work,
okay, my general impression was that the story lack a little depth and meaning to the laundry basket. From the spoiler, you indicated that the story will give the basket some importance but how the basket was perceived didn't seem to shed light on its importance. The story did give the basket some focus but the question on why is it important seemed unanswered.
What does that basket meant to the woman? Does it reflect the normality of her life. And when I meant, normality of the life, it seemed that the story shows more normality which is good in a way but out of this mundane picture, the basket must shed something out of this normality to something that will give the story some depth.
Hey jDawn!
I thought this was pretty dry. The contest is about description of the inanimate object, but I don't feel like the basket was described; there is no clear mental picture. It was used and tossed around a bit, but your imagery shed no new light on a well-known household object, and it came off as pretty normal and boring. A laundry basket is mundane enough that, to make an interesting story out of it, you have to turn it into something unique. It's white and plastic. What's story-worthy about that?
The first way to make these 500 words more meaningful and tighter is to get rid of your repetition and redundancies, which you have a lot of. Each color shows a word repeated:
Do you see the problem? You use the word "basket" nine times, "clothes/clothing" seven times, and "wood/wooden" four times. When you're saying the same thing over and over again, it means you don't have enough new material to add to the old. If you have to talk about how the floor and stairs are wooden four separate times, and mention that there are clothes in the basket seven times, you need something more.
My suggestion is to found out how you're going to make this laundry basket unique. Instead of showcasing a regular old chore of emptying and folding laundry, show how the basket represents this woman's never-ending monotonous housekeeping. Maybe it's falling apart but she's too poor to afford a new one. Maybe it's what the basket holds that matters, and the clothes all have meaning. Figure out a new approach!
PM me for anything, and best of luck!