z

Young Writers Society



long lasting love

by jBlack_girl


I'm lost.
You're found.

I'm blind.
You see.

As long as I am with you forever,
then anything is fine with me.

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196 Reviews

Points: 5388
Reviews: 196

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Fri Mar 27, 2009 12:24 am
peanutgallery007 wrote a review...



Not sure. I know what you are saying...

Lets examine this;

As long as I am with you forever,
then anything is fine with me.


I am a pattern freak. In all the other stanzas, there are two short, but meaning ful lines. I believe, with the proper wording, that this stanza can be made into two stanzas, or mad a bit longer at least. I came up with a little something, you may want to consider changing it to something like it;

If you stay
forever

Anything
is fine
with me

I understand that it is still not all two lines, but it makes it a bit longer. It's just an idea. Lets see what else you've got in store for us! ;)




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80 Reviews

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Reviews: 80

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Sun Mar 15, 2009 10:08 am
100xstupid wrote a review...



My only thought was that it could do with some more length. You can do so much more with that little technique of saying that you're something bad and the other person is the opposite. I think you could also say why you're so lost and blind, and they're not. I just feel a bit like it was rushed, or without thought. If you expanded it a bit, this could be a really good piece, so keep it up :D




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47 Reviews

Points: 1212
Reviews: 47

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Sat Mar 14, 2009 12:58 am
imapoemperson wrote a review...



I like it, it was short and to the point. You might want to consider fluffing it up a bit because it seems as if you had more to say, but you were in a hurry. If you meant for the poem to be short and like that then ignore everything that i stated above.
I only found one typo

You'r found.
You'r is spelt you're you can just check that with the spell check at the top right hand corner of the box that you are typing in. :( :) :D :lol:





They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same.
— Kurt Cobain