Hey there Kara. cause i sure as heck aren't calling you the other name. Guess it's time for a review.
The main thing that is really going on here is this funky formatting which is either going to really distract me from the content going on or give some internal and magical perspective. Second choice is very unlikely based on what I've seen in poems that like to have their stanzas all separated out. There's a reason that everything in this poem seems disconnected to me and that's because it's literally disconnected. And I rarely feel the need to point these things out, but why not at this point.
All regard for flow got thrown out with your fancy formatting so let's instead just take this from the top.
i am
-
bowing
down to you
while you throw at me the storm of
insults. while you rush out a stream of
rumors. while you make me drown in
those five words.
Content wise, there isn't anything that particularly attracts me to the piece or drives me away. Sure you've got the personal experiences of bullying that have thrown this little ensemble together but that's the baseline for almost any work of this kind. It's nice to have a backstory but that can't support what you've actually written on the page, which at the moment is rather rough. So it's draft 2? Whatever. You can make as many drafts as want of this.
Really the flow is the main thing that throws me because none of the words and phrases want to fit together. The wording is rather confusing to be honest because there could be like five meanings for each of these things and it's just another point of distraction. You need to focus a bit more on presentation when you loop around for the next edit because you can see right now how much it has effected my comments towards your story.
i try to
-
stand
up to you
feeding the flames that empower
you. feeding the abuse that make me
burn. feeding the words will scar me
forever.
You're gonna eventually need to use some other punctuation besides periods and dashes. A few commas really aren't gonna hurt your piece anymore. The dash in-between "i try to" and "stand" is just like throwing a big space divider in there.
The speaker them self is just like entirely thrown out of balance with the person they're trying to confront and once again the meanings of the words you're using, are getting all twisted. I do not have my thoughts together enough atm to try and explain this thing at the current moment and I can't remember if anyone has a KB article on this, so if you want further explanation, PM would be best.
The repetition of 'feeding' has a couple of downsides in the way that after a certain amount of time, it just becomes tiresome. And that's the rule for any kind of repetition, after awhile it just becomes a nagging feeling in the back of the reader's head.
i will be
-
flying
above the typhoon
reaching out for the
stars. grasping at
hope. grabbing some
peace
-
from you.
-
Up until that final dash at the end, I actually had some hope going for this ending being nice and powerful. I like to focus on the first and last lines for reasons that I really don't need to explain cause it's kinda obvious. It's what the author thinks is the most important thing for the reader to see and it's what I gauge some of my overall opinion on.
For endings, I see people do some crazy stuff, like 8 period ellipsis, never a fun thing to have to explain to someone. And yours was pretty okay but the dash kinda killed it man. You can have open end lines for like a powerful after effect and to leave the reader questioning or you can have a period to tell everyone there is nothing else to know. But a dash lies somewhere in between and even if you didn't mean it as further punctuation on the end of the poem, that's how it looks. It gives off the vibe of half in-between complete thought and inspirational questioning, other wise known as something close to an existential crisis. Doubt that's what you were going for there.
Overall:
Now personally I did not like the poem but that doesn't have anything to do with these comments. I do manage to keep my critique separated from my opinions about a set of writing. I didn't like it because it all felt a bit cheesy to me, and I couldn't feel any real effort from the writer. And that really impacted my decision because this wasn't a rough draft, it had already been mended once to match to a higher standard. So really I guess I was just dissatisfied with the content and expected more skill from you.
Yeah guess that's all I have for now.
Happy Friday!
~Liz
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
Donate