Haha I see what you did now with Cervix! Also, love the name Encanta. Hint of romance which is fitting to Stefen’s situation and also sounds like ‘enchant.’
Meissa's mother listened to her daughter talk to her stuffed animals, curious as to why she would do so. It didn't even seem like that Meissa was making up voices for the animals, like a normal child. Stacia could only hear Meissa talking to and responding to the animals on her bed. Her mother opened the door a crack to listen to Meissa better, noting the fact that the animals were situated around her daughter in a circle. Meissa had a perfectly content look on her face and turned to the brown teddy bear that her friend Jill had gotten her for Christmas. The bear had a grey knight's helmet on -- made of paper -- that was amazingly made. The mother grinned. She had always known that Meissa was a creative one.
"Sir Teds-a-Lot, what must you say for yourself?" Meissa asked the bear with a stern tone. She crossed her arms and gave the bear a nine-year-old glare. The bear, of course, didn't respond, but Meissa gave him an even sterner look. "You do realize that that is illegal in our country, right? Encanta is not a place for fools, and that is what you are acting like."
The mother was confused. She had never told Meissa about Encanta, the new country in which her husband was visiting. She just told her that her father was in another country as to not worry her. Maybe Meissa's teacher just taught her at school and she liked the name.
"Oh, I am very aware that Advisery Cervix, name of old Stefen, told you that Encanta was in trouble, but that doesn't mean that you can break the law! Let the army handle it! Just because you are a knight doesn't mean that you can leave the king's side," Meissa scolded the bear. "And yes, you used to be part of the army, but you are part of the Royal Guard. Your job is to not leave the king's side." Meissa's high voice made the situation sound very childish, but the mother couldn't shake the feeling that Meissa was somehow serious with her words. She is just pretending, the mother told herself. But she couldn't think about how her child was different.
Wait, did she just say Stefen? That is her father's name.
The mother's eyes widened and she slammed the door shut, breathing heavily. Shouts of "Mom?" came from inside of the room, but the mother couldn't answer. She didn't know what "Cervix" meant, but she needed to find it.
--
A few days later, Stacia had finally gotten a hold of a computer at the library. For some reason, her Mac had disappeared. She assumed that she left it at work, and since she was on a vacational leave to take care of her children due to her husband not being at home, she didn't think much of it. However, she finished everything that she needed to do and her children weren't home, so she decided to grace the library with a researching visit.
Opening up "Safari" on the huge computers, she typed in "Cervix" on the search bar. When the first page popped up, her jaw dropped.
"Cervix Riley, otherwise known as Stefen Riley, is the newest member of the great new country Encanta. He is now the main advisory to the king, as he had married the great advisory Kyleen Kingslady, now known as Kyleen Riley. He now has six children -- Dutchess Ambra, Dutchess Maneira, Duke Rey, and his three children at home, Meissa, Laurel, and Ben. He claims that he sincerely hopes that his children join him in his "beautiful country that he now calls home" alongside with his wife so he can start a new trend in Encanta known as polygamy. He also plans to marry into the royal families, having already been bethroned to Princess Rosalina of England and Princess Irine of Encanta. The wedding reception was held on Sunday, October 20th at..."
Stacia couldn't read anymore. She had had enough. When she married Stefen, he promised that Stacia would be his forever and ever. But now he has cheated on her with a daft advisory and is now betroned to two princesses? What blastphemy is this? Why would he do this to her? She felt sick to her stomach and stood up, running to the bathroom. She entered a stall, not even bothering to close it, and thre up inside of the toilet. When Stacia's stomach felt nice and empty, she flushed the toilet and entered the library again. She picked up her bag, logged off of the computer, and left.
Then, halfway home, she stopped in her tracks. How did Meissa know about this? She called the "advisory" "Cervix, the name of old Stefen" and claimed that the stuffed animals were in Encanta. It was Monday. The wedding for Stefen was yesterday. Meissa has told her mother frequently that she doesn't like the internet because "there are baddies all over it."
So how did Meissa know of her husband cheating?
And how did she know that he was in Encanta?
She continued to walk. She had children to take care of, paperwork to fill out, and a man that she needed to yell, scream, and cry at for betraying her from the very beginning.
Haha I see what you did now with Cervix! Also, love the name Encanta. Hint of romance which is fitting to Stefen’s situation and also sounds like ‘enchant.’
Just a quick note, you might not want to name one of your characters Cervix. I know you don't mean it in an inappropriate way but it is much easier to change the name of your character than have the reader share the two meanings while reading.
Keep writing 
Hey DemonGoddess! :]
I found this in the literary spotlight, so I thought I'd give it a review! I enjoyed this - nothing felt too rushed or overwhelming, which is definitely a plus for me when it comes to first chapters.
The first things that popped out to me were the names. I love the name "Encanta" for the country (got a little Spanish twist), and "Cervix" made me laugh out loud, though I'm not sure if that's the intent you were going for. It's a bit hard to take that name seriously, haha. The characters names are unique, too.
My favorite line was probably the last one. It felt like a solid and it was, to me, a very satisfying end to the chapter.
When Meissa is playing with her stuffies and Stacia is eavesdropping, it takes quite a while for Stacia to react to the "Stefen" thing. Meissa says it and continues talking, and it's quite a bit after that Stacia realizes that Meissa said Stefen, which seems a bit unrealistic. I feel like she'd notice very quickly? I get that what Meissa says is important, though.
Meissa seems very knowledgeable - and I don't mean just what she knows. Her way of speaking is very... proper? It feels a bit unlike a 9 year old, though of course there are probably very proper 9 year olds. It's hard to nitpick that, though, because all kids sound different and know different things. And we haven't seen much of Meissa yet anyway. But just thought I'd point it out.
I'm really curious about this world. It definitely seems to be a modern era (Mac, Safari, England) but fantastical at the same time?? So I'm excited to know more about that. And Meissa. She totally has some cool abilities or something. Probably.
And that's it. Hope this helps. Mind tagging me for future chapters? This seems like a fun story, and I'm trying to get back into reviewing!
~EternalRain
I'll get to those.Hi DG! Danni here for a review!
Wow, this was quick. I was expecting it to be another week or so, so props to you.
OK, nitpicks;
Dutchess Ambra,
Alright, review time!
I think you might have a good idea here, but the presentation fell sorta flat, and I just don't think this is as impactful as some of the other work I've seen from you. Overall, it felt rushed, and what could have been a really heart-wrenching introduction didn't do much for me.
The first paragraph makes it sound like the mother is worried about the daughter, not just curious. I'm not sure if this is what you wanted to suggest right at the very beginning. It's weird to me that a mother would hear her daughter talking to her stuffed animals and ask why. Every kid does that. Beyond that, the word choice is decidedly neutral, which doesn't tell us much about the character's feelings. It seemed like you were going for something along the lines of fascination turning into horror. This is my favorite kind of rhetorical shift, so I really think you should look back over it and see if you can pack in the emotion.
The mother is not called Stacia until after the page break. I wondered at first if Stacia was supposed to be someone else. If the whole story is going to be told from her perspective, the reader should be as much inside her head as possible. Use whatever name she would apply to herself right from the very beginning.
I'm really curious to know how you came up with the name Cervix. I don't think it invokes quite the image you were going for, but it's very funny.
The scene where Stacia discovers her husband's betrayal feels a little rushed or just unrealistic. The information is given to us all at once as sort of an info-dump. I think it would be a lot cooler to tackle this very alarming revelation a bit more slowly. Give the reader time to process it, and walk us through Stacia's emotions as she's realizing what has happened.
I think I've gone over most of the scene-by-scene issues, but there is one overarching problem that sticks out at me through the whole thing. The characters feel shallow. I want to relate to Stacia's pain but her emotions just don't come through, and the bits that are mentioned feel too simple. Sure she's angry and feels betrayed, but is there anything else? Is she confused? Incredulous? Does she wonder how she hadn't noticed, or how her children are going to take this? Since she believes it so readily, did she somehow see this coming, or have some vague feeling about it? What does she think about as she's pulling herself back together? For such a huge emotional punch, Stacia recovers awfully quickly and just carries on home. This is a terrible missed opportunity, since we could learn so much about her character here!
Overall, this feels like a cool idea that could have been executed a lot better. The themes are mature, but the feeling doesn't pack much punch. The world sounds really intriguing, but we barely see any of it. I hope you go back over this and add some detail, because I would love love love to see this idea develop. It just doesn't feel complete just yet.
WHY!?! WHY AREN'T THERE MORE CHAPTERS OF THIS GLORIOUS STORY?!?!?!
I really like Meissa- young but secretly powerful girl are my weakness.
I'm also glad that this story has a character like Stacia- it's very rare to have a story with a magical child where the parent is an active and aware character, and I really like it.
Cliffhanger ahead! This chapter left me with soooo many questions, which any good first chapter ought to do.
The fact that the country is called Encanta makes me wonder if magic is common knowledge in this world. I guess I'll just have to wait and see!
(Sorry it's so short. I'm new and am just learning how things work here!)
Hello!
Based on this first chapter, I see a couple of things I could point out as suggestions!
This chapter was a little short, not going to lie. I think the issue was that it felt slightly rushed -- and because of that the characters didn't develop that much and I couldn't connect with them. You still have many chapters ahead, so in that time make sure to develop your characters (I'm positive you will) so I can develop feelings for them, too. Something to be aware of what you're writing:
A few days later,
if you want me to tag you with other chapters, let me know!
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