Did you see her,
Did you see her everyday?
When she smiled
She never hinted the indifference of reality, never hinted the pain.
Her hair,
her hair of golden locks,
got shorter everyday.
But she kept smiling,
wider and wider every time.
You'd never know,
because she never let on,
that the end was coming,
she was about to feel the blow.
Writing endless lists of possibilities of bliss.
Did she know where she was going?
But she was living, even if she wasn't going to be alive...
as long as us.
I never really knew this girl,
but I knew she meant the world.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there! Imaginator17 here, nice to meet you
Focusing on the poem, well, overall i liked it, there were a few things i didn't like but overall i enjoyed it.
I liked the feel you gave to it, throughout the poem, i got the sense of awe. As if someone was watching and admiring the girl as i was reading. As i read more of the poem you did really well to contrast negativity with positivity, "Writing endless lists of possibilities of bliss." I liked this line but it sounds a little awkward, you could try rephrasing it. The "bliss" is unnecessary and you could just leave it as "Writing endless lists of possibilities."
You structured it well also, using commas and periods at the right time, it's a lot harder to figure out where to put them when writing a poem.
One more thing is that as magpie says, the ellipses are unnecessary it's needless, and it also ruins the flow of which your poem is going. You could just leave the line like this "But she was living, even if she wasn't going to be alive, as long as us"
Well! that sums up my critique and i appreciate ya for looking and reading.
I hope i helped, God bless and keep writing
Thankyou for the feedback
I appreciate it
Hello, Ivy!
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
So I think this poem is about a girl who died that the narrator didn't know, but I'm not sure. If it is, make that a little more evident. If not, well, it's obvious that you need to make the story more evident in the poem because I didn't understand it.
You have one concrete image in the whole poem. The rest of your words are just telling us what happened. In poetry especially, it is important to show and not tell. When you show and don't tell, similes and metaphors are going to be your best friend. The only image you have right now is "golden locks," and honestly, it's a cliche. Find ways you can show us this girl, even if it's glimpses. Show us that she meant the world, don't tell us that she meant the world.
The ellipsis was not needed here, and really kind of takes away from the poem by adding a veneer of obvious melodrama. Melodrama isn't always bad, but if it takes me out of the world of the poem, it's too much. Don't try to make things dramatic, especially in a poem like this, where the subject matter is heavy enough to begin with. Trying to add drama will only make the poem seem juvenile.
Is this poem about bullying? If so, where's the bullying?
The first line of this section is redundant and unneeded. Repetition must be carefully used, and this is a repetition right next to the other repetition of it, so it only serves to slow down the poem.
The lines that are long look out of place. It is important for a poem to be visually pleasing as well as pleasing to read. Break up your longer lines into shorter ones.
Be more specific. Does this girl have a name? Does this girl sit in the middle of the cafeteria? Tell me about her. Again, how do I know she meant the world if you don't show us that she was a person and not a figment of imagination (even if she is, readers want to believe that fictional characters are real, and an infinite amount of facts make up a person. So give us a few.)
Altogether, clear up this story plot, add images, add detail, and don't try to dramatize things that are already dramatic.
I hope this review proves useful to you. Have a great day, and keep writing!
I would like to start off with wow. I love this poem and think you did an amazing job writing it. I may be wrong, but the girl who passed away seemed to have played a role towards your life in some way and it shows. The impact this person had on you was great. I liked the poem and how I, as the reader, have to guess and wonder what really happened.