01:59

Hi nandi! since i recently adopted you I thought it would be fitting for me to review one of your works. If I do a terrible job, please let me know ToT


First of all what immediately strikes me is that you're writing in prose, which is kind of rare because most of the times I just see poetry or paragraphs. Overall, your imagery skills are extremely strong, and you use very good metaphor and similes to put the user in the moment. "circles of light revolving" could refer to someone's eyes looking at the screen, or, given our reference to "the thin line of light" later the narrator could also be thinking about sunrise, or even as dying and going to heaven. And honestly, that's really tragic. I have to admit, I really did feel this poem in my heart, becuase a few years ago, I went through something very similar and this hit very close to home for me, especially the 2 AM section. I notcied it for the first six lines, you repeat the first phrase of each sentence. It highlights the repetitive nature of doing something so late at night,
"push coffee down my throat" is a really good, really visceral line that hits home and suggests that you are not living life, but forcing yourself through it unwillingly. And I like that you contrast cold and warmth in the following, and that your eyes are "washing over" the pages, which all serves to show that the narrator feels very empty and alone in the dark. And "but isn't it 1 am" it's kind of bringing all of it together.


I will admit that I got a little teary-eyed reading the first few lines of part 2. It kind of brought me back to my own moment when I felt this way. I know this Is romance, but you've written it to be almot tragic ,like you're hanging onto this person whom you love, but your own life is collapsing, and you're revolving around that person which is dangerous. contrasting the "all that kept me alive vs. the all in my own despair" shows how lonely the narrator is without, and then the use of "flooded" further contrast with the narrator's "gloominess". This is further emphasize of the following lines, where you wish for the "moment to stay" and add onto that with fleeting this and time ticking, which really highlights that the text IS the moment. And then, you have contrasting showing that your dreams are his, which showing that you're completely dependent on "him", that you forgotten yours, which really shows that "you" (or the narrator) are now completely obsessed with him, and I forgotten yourself in it because of how miserable your own life is. Every other line in this poem as a contrast between "me" and "him", all the way to the end. "his care, I rot, his bruise,s his obstanles. Using properties to carry it forward. And then, at the first "but isn't it", the poem takes a darker turn. When you have contrasting these moments and visions, this relationship is ended, and the other person is gone. And this time for the first time you're the one, who's been asked something not the one who's asking, and the "yet" leaves it ambiguous to the fate of "him", as it makes it clear that he was also hiding.

My main critiques of this poem, not of the narration, but of the spacing. It is prose, but it's kind of between poetry and pros right now and I think adding some spacing a formatting would make this harder because right now it kind of seems a little bit disorganized. However, I'd really did enjoy reading it.

also, if this is autobiographical, are you doing okay?

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the scary S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - This person is waiting for a text from a guy. Once the guy texts them, their gloominess is lit up and it feels like maybe being isolated won’t be so bad, as long as he texts.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - You put the words “at least” together, but that’s just one little thing.

Chocolate Bar - I love all of this. I love how in the beginning this person is doing things mechanically, like drinking coffee and reading. They are present but not mentally. I also like how in the 2 AM section it kind of sounds like this person is only living for this one guy, following the dreams of this guy because they want to feel connected. How far can love go until it’s unhealthy?

Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a rather horrifying short story on what can happen if somebody centers their existence around another person. I have enjoyed reading this and I will be sure to check out your other short stories in the future. Now…

I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^