z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Bad Boy New Guy.

by itstaylorcale


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Chapter 1

I never understood why guys hate horses at my old school. They are the most compassionate, lovable, and caring animals I’ve ever met. Like my horse, Felix, for example, was abused before I found him and bought him. I hope we can both have a better life at Mountain Valley Equestrian Boarding School.

M.V.E.B.S. is the top equestrian school in my state. Hell, it might be the top equestrian school in the US.

Let’s get back to Felix. He’s a Dutch Warmblood that stands at 17.2 hands high. He’s 6 years old and he’s a chestnut. He’s the only reason why I know how to love. He’s my everything and he will be the only thing or person I will call my everything.

Now my introduction. I’m Phoenix Night. I’m 18 and a senior in high school. I’m an only child. I have green eyes and brown hair. I, honestly, am so thankful to be accepted to M.V.E.B.S. It gives me an excuse not to be at home.

“Do you have all your shit?!” My “dad” yells from the other room.

“Yes and Felix’s. I’m about to put my stuff in the truck and put Felix in the trailer,” I say, walking down the stairs.

“I don’t care. Just get your shit and get out.”

I didn’t even reply. I walk to the door and open it and make sure I close it fully, so I don’t get yelled at anymore before I leave.

I open the backdoor of my truck and throw my shit in there and close the door. I walk to the back of the trailer and open its door and make sure I have enough hay for Felix.

I walk to Felix’s “barn” which is just a shed next to my house that’s big enough for a 17.2 hands high horse.

Before I walk into the barn, I hear Felix kicking his door and snorting; loudly.

I walk into the barn and grab his halter and lead line and walk to him and put it on. I don’t hook his lead line until I’m ready to leave. I walk back into our tack room and grab his shipping boots and his shipping blanket to put on him since we have a 6-hour drive to M.V.E.B.S.

I walk into his stall and put his boots on first before I put his blanket on with his show name. “New Felix’s Luck”. That’s his full name.

I hook his lead line to his custom halter with my number and name in case he’s missing. I walk him out his stall and walk him towards the trailer. I step in first, so he knows it’s safe. He follows in slowly after me. We walk to the front of the trailer where his hay is and where I have to tie him up, so he doesn’t move and hurt himself on this trip.

After he’s all tied up and happily eating his hay, I walk out of the trailer and close the door and make sure it’s lock good.

I walk back into the barn to make sure I have all his things. I only forgot his extra bridle.

I walk out saying goodbye to Felix’s home. I walk back to the trailer and open the walk-in tack room on the go and put his bridle on the hook.

I walk out and close the door and make sure it’s lock good, too. I walk around the front of the truck to the driver's side and hop in.

I start up my truck and make sure I have a full tank of gas before I hit the road.

I pull out of the driveway and drive to the highway. I will only make a few stops to stretch my legs, Felix’s legs, get gas, and get food.

1.5 hours later.

I stop at the rest area and ask for permission to stretch Felix’s legs.

They said it was okay and to make sure other people stay away from us to make sure no one gets hurt.

I open the trailer door and take Felix out of the trailer. I walk over to the greenest grass at the rest area and decided to let him graze for 15 minutes before we hit the road again.

I walk him around to make sure he’s fully stretched and won’t need a lot of stopping and going if I want to make it there before class on Monday morning since today is Saturday.

I check my phone and see it’s been 20 minutes and I walk back to the trailer with Felix falling behind slowly trying to stop and eat grass every few steps.

We finally make it to the trailer and I tie him back again and I close the trailer door. I get into the driver's seat and start the truck up again.

4.5 hours later

We finally made it to M.V.E.B.S. and it’s so fucking beautiful. On the website, it didn’t say anything about the beach is right behind the school. The driveway is about a mile long and I don’t think I’ve ever said that I wanted to get out of this truck more than anything else right now.

I pull up to the main school and I park in front. I get out and walk towards the door where the headmaster is standing along with the tour guide I presume.

The headmaster is wearing a pair of tan breeches with a white top and black long boots. You can see he’s balding at the top. He looks like he’s in his late to mid-'50s.

The tour guide is wearing black breeches with a nude tank top with a black belt around her waist and riding boots. She has beautiful brown hair with doe-like bright green eyes.

“Welcome to Mountain Valley Equestrian Boarding School. We are so happy to have you here Phoenix Night. I’m your headmaster, Kevin James. You can call me Mr. James or James. This is your tour guide, Primrose Fay. She will be showing you the whole property. Y’all will be going on a trail ride to see all the property. If you need me please come to the main school where the main office is. I will see you when you come to collect this week's schedule. We do change classes every week, so y’all don’t get bored and moody with the teachers y’all have.” Mr. James says before walking into the main school.

“Welcome To Mountain Valley Equestrian Boarding school. We are so happy to have you here Phoenix. I’m your tour guide, Primrose Fay. I will be showing you around-“ she says before I rudely interrupt her.

“I honestly don’t want a tour guide. I’m pretty sure I can find my way around. I just need to know where I can put Felix.” I say as coldly as I can.

“Go get Felix out and I will show you where his stall is before I show you the main school. I will show you the main part of the property before we go onto the trails,” Primrose says.

“So either way, I’m a need a tour guide?” I ask her.

“Yes because you will get lost easily. That’s what happened to me during my freshman year here.”

I nod my head before I walk back to my truck and trailer.

I open the trailer door and walk to the front of the trailer and untie Felix. He backs up till we get to the end of the trailer before he hops down.

I walk around the trailer where Primrose is standing.

“He’s beautiful. He’s a Dutch Warmblood, right?” She asks.

I say, “He is actually. How did you know?”

She replies, “I’ve been working with horse my entire life before I came here. Follow me.”

Felix and I follow her to the barn.

“Here’s his stall as you requested in the form that he stays only near geldings. This is our gelding barn. My horse, Blade, is right next to Felix,” She says as she walks to a Friesian.

I put Felix in his stall before asking, “Where do I put his feed?”

“That tack box that has your stall number on it. We use tack boxes for feed since we have a saddle rack, bridle rack, and halter rack on your stall. Saddle rack is above the tack box and your bridle and halter rack is on the stall door. If you extra bridles or saddles or halters, they go in the tack room with the section that has your stall number on it.”

I take off his shipping blanket and his boots, "What about his blankets and boots?"

"We have lockers for those. Let me show you our tack room and our dressing room since you can't wear your riding clothes in class anymore," she says, before shaking her head.

"What happened to for us not to be allowed to wear our riding clothes in class?" I ask as we walk to the tack room.

She answers my question, "Some dumbass decided to wear her riding clothes every day and some teachers don't like it when we wear them in their classes."

Primrose opens a big wooden door that says "Tack Room for extra supplies or tack."

She walks over to a saddle rack and bridle rack, "This is your rack and we moved your halter rack in your locker since you have the biggest locker."

I nod my head and start my walk back to my truck and trailer to get my things for the barn that I use with Felix.

Once, I got to the truck and trailer, I open up the walk-in tack room that connected to the trailer. I grab my saddle and saddle pad first. I walk out and walk back to Felix's stall.

"Do you want me to help you?" Primrose asks.

"Sure. It would help a lot since I brought all of Felix's things."

I put our riding saddle on the saddle rack along with his saddle pad. 


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415 Reviews


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Fri Jan 10, 2020 9:42 pm
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keystrings wrote a review...



Hi there. I wanted to give a quick review on this work and boot this out of the Green Room.

Straight from the start, I am a bit perplexed. I assume the main character is male, since the first line is about not understanding other male friends, which alright. However, this kind of feels as a "not-like-other-guys" tone, which fellow teenagers do relate to, but is not a good ideal to have in any large capacity, as that's just not a good belief. Maybe I'm also a little surprised that guys would hate horses, but to each their own.

Past that, this is a very information-dumpy beginning. First-person novels tend to require giving the reader a lot of info so that they can follow the story and know the characters, but Phoenix is pretty blatant with all of this stuff. One way to switch some of this stuff around could be introducing the school first, such as

I have a six hour drive to my new school, Mountain Valley Equestrian Boarding School. The name feels ridiculous to say in my head, but I hope it brings a new opportunity for me and my best friend renegading as a horse, Felix.


That's something very basic, yes, but I would recommend to leave out at least some of that information on Felix's characteristics, and probably this section as well: [quoteNow my introduction. I’m Phoenix Night. I’m 18 and a senior in high school. I’m an only child. I have green eyes and brown hair. I, honestly, am so thankful to be accepted to M.V.E.B.S. It gives me an excuse not to be at home.[/quote] This is information that can be provided later on in the story, and even in more cliche ways, such as glancing over an application, or having a teacher refer to Phoenix by his full name.

The conversation between Phoenix and I assume might be his step-father, or biological dad only, is rather stilted reading, if that makes sense. My reasoning here is that if he doesn't like his "dad" the quotations are still a little distracting for me, so if he's a step-son, a different term could be used there to help make the situation clear. I like that he cares about his horse, and the steps he takes to load Felix into the trailer guides the reader decently.

I would say to get rid of the "1.5 hours later" and "4.5 hours later" in lieu of simply saying, "We've been driving for an hour, so Felix deserves some fresh air" or reference the time passing someway in the text. Same goes for Phoenix's arrival at the school, just refer to the time spent in some fashion, and the story reads a lot nicer without the headings.

I'm not sure why Phoenix is so rude to Primerose, when being a tour guide is what she is there to do, and she has spoken all of twenty words to him? Like, ok, great, I'm glad he's sure that he "find [his] way around," but why be such a jerk? If that's his "personality" then he's not going to easily make friends. In addition, I'm not sure why he's now neutral with Primerose, having a casual conversation after replying in a rather harsh tone. Kudos to her for not letting him make her sweat, but I think switching around some of that dialogue would shed more light on Phoenix's true character/personality.

Overall, I think this fits fine as a "coming-of-age, new school, teenager-ish" story, but a few technical formatting stuff would help readers and yourself a lot in evaluating the actual plot and characters.




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Fri Oct 11, 2019 12:12 am
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Lib wrote a review...



Heya Taylor! (Is it cool if I call you that?)

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give your wonderful piece a review! Let's dig right in, now, shall we? Sweet!

So, I love the plot you have here so far. Evil "dad", teenage kid, boarding school, horses (my absolute favorite animal!), etc. Seems like a very intriguing plot. A least, to me it is, hehe. :P

I like where this is going. The horses, though, man, they really got me reading! (do you ride???)

I hope we learn some more about this "dad" of Phoenix's. He seems... tough, lol. I'd like to see some of him in the next few chapters. And, the headmaster of the school, the one who said "y'all", seems like a robotic person, heh. He said everything as if he had memorized it or somethin'. Not sure if you meant it to be like that, but just pointing it out in case! (:

Let's get on with the critiquing, now, fren!

I never understood why guys hate horses at my old school.


For the word "hate", I'd suggest turning it into past tense, because it's the old school. Not the current school, and since Phoenix is past this "old school", the hate should be past Phoenix too. :)

Let’s get back to Felix. He’s a Dutch Warmblood that stands at 17.2 hands high. He’s 6 years old and he’s a chestnut. He’s the only reason why I know how to love. He’s my everything and he will be the only thing or person I will call my everything.

Now my introduction. I’m Phoenix Night. I’m 18 and a senior in high school. I’m an only child. I have green eyes and brown hair. I, honestly, am so thankful to be accepted to M.V.E.B.S. It gives me an excuse not to be at home.


Okay, this entire thing is a bit of an info dump. You've dumped a lot of information all at once, and it's quite overwhelming. Maybe even out this description throughout your chapter, or doing it throughout your story would be much better. ;)

I walk to Felix’s “barn” which is just a shed next to my house that’s big enough for a 17.2 hands high horse.


Instead of writing "high horse", I think writing "tall horse" would work better. It sounds a tad better, too. ^^

After he’s all tied up and happily eating his hay, I walk out of the trailer and close the door and make sure it’s lock good.


The word "lock" has to be "locked", since this story is in past tense.

I walk out and close the door and make sure it’s lock good, too.


The word "lock" has o be "locked" here as well, with the same reason as above. (:

We finally made it to M.V.E.B.S. and it’s so fucking beautiful. On the website, it didn’t say anything about the beach is right behind the school.


In between "beach" and "is", I'm pretty sure you forgot to add an extra word. You might have had your own word to add, but "this" could work well in between the two words, too.

He looks like he’s in his late to mid-'50s.


The apostrophe before 50 is not needed.

If you extra bridles or saddles or halters, they go in the tack room with the section that has your stall number on it.”


This sentence that Primrose said doesn't quite make sense. Maybe there's a missing word? I'm pretty sure there's a missing word here.

I put our riding saddle on the saddle rack along with his saddle pad.


Our riding saddle? Lol, I'm pretty sure Phoenix and Felix don't both have saddles. ;)

Overall, great chapter, and I'd love to see more from you soon in the near future. D'ya mind notifying me or tagging me whenever you post a new chapter? I'd love to see what happens on Phoenix's first day! Of course, if you have any questions related to my review, feel free to as me whenever. :D

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty





Be led by your talent and not by your self-loathing ... everything beautiful in the world is within you.
— Russell Brand