Young Writers Society

Hi there @itsCate! My name is Scarlett, and I'll be reviewing you chapter today!

My first impression upon looking at this is "it's short". Which is not a bad thing! I just think you could put so much more into this! Most books have a decently sized first chapter, and some have a really short one. For example, the first chapter of Maggie Stiefvater's Shiver has only like one page? In fact, quite a few of her chapters are short and there's one that's literally like... 9 sentences long. So short isn't always a bad thing. And prologues are generally very short, too! If I remember correctly, Twilight's prologue was less than a page long. So yeah, if you want to make this longer, go for it. If not, then that's cool, too!

Now, onto the nit-picky stuff. And I'll warn you; first person, present tense is not something I generally like. But don't let that bother you. I'll try not to focus on that. ^^

My footsteps echo down the hall.

I'm not sure what it is about this, but it feels incomplete? Like, the hall of what? A mansion? An office building? You need to clarify. XD

I look down at my watch, it was too late to still be at work.

Okay, this could either be two separate sentences ooooor you could try a semi-colon (this: ;). Like this:

"I look down at my watch; it was too late to still be at work."

That seems to work better, as this is two separate statements that are vaguely related. Does that make sense?

The white was shine and the lights are bright.

The white what? I think you're missing a word or two here!

The skyscraper is is quiet, most people left to go home.

Two things here! I think you only need one 'is', and I think you can probably either do the semi-colon thing here or turn this into two separate sentences. And I would add a word in that you seem to have missed in the second half. Like:

"Most people having left to go home."

Walking in, my eyes look up at the windows that look over the city.

You're using first person, present tense here, so I'd suggest just saying that "I look up at the window" instead of using "my eyes" because not many people refer to looking at something like that, right? Not unless their eyes hurt. So yeah... Hope this helps.

I was a beautiful sight, the tall skyscrapers and lights in the dark night sky.

I think you mean "It was a beautiful sight" here?

There was a loud bang at my door, why so soon? Why didn’t they wait until morning?

I'm not sure I understand this? I think that comma should be a full stop and that "Why so soon?" should be its own sentence. Also, is that all? It doesn't startle them? Doesn't make them jump? You're very much telling here, not showing, and that's a problem, but it can be fixed. You just need some more description. What does the inside of the building look like? Is the floor tile? Carpet? White? Black? What colour are the walls? Is there artwork on them? You get the idea!

“Come in!” I yell the door opens and Jack Walks in, Johnson behind him holding onto a girls arm.

Okay, you seem to be missing a word here. Also, "walks" should not be capitalized. I'd probably reword this a little, maybe add in a word and possibly turn into into at least two separate sentences. Like:

“Come in!” I yell and the door opens. Jack walks in and Johnson is behind him, holding onto a girls arm.

Now, that looks much better, right?

She was tall and dark haired, I couldn’t see her eyes.

Same thing as my comments before. This could be either two separate sentences or you could do the semi-colon thing again. Like:

"She was tall and dark haired; I couldn’t see her eyes." or "She was tall and dark haired, and I couldn’t see her eyes."

Aaaand I think you get the idea here. This is a very interesting scene but it feels incomplete and waaaay too short. There's very little description and it lacks that....spark, I guess, that makes you want to read more. It needs some more personality and just more, really. You introduce some characters and a possible conflict, though it's unnamed, and there's not really much else to it. BUT it does have potential, so I think if you work on your sentence structure a little and your description, and you add to it a little, maybe give it some more personality, then this could become something very interesting!

Good luck! Keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarlett.