I looked into his eyes.
He was waiting for a response.
"Catherine, I asked you a question."
My heart was thumping a mile a minute. "I know that you asked me a question."
His expression turned grim. "Answer me."
I can't! I can't tell you! I shouldn't tell you! So many things I could have said. "Jake, you don't need to know."
Tears filled his eyes. He tried to hold them back, but he couldn't. "Catherine, we've been dating for over a year now. Why won't you tell me who did this to you?"
He ran his fingers over the cuts, the pain searing through my arms. The pain made the tears come, and I tried to push them away.
"Catherine, please. Tell me who did this." His voice was choked-up and I could tell he was scared. I got immediately tense, knowing that what I feared was about to come. He was figuring it out.
"Catherine, I could get them arrested for you. I could do something! These cuts are deep and they look like they've been done with a knife."
I nodded, the tears becoming unstoppable. "They were. They were."
He looked over at me. "Tell me who did this."
I felt a surge of anger, and I shouted at him. "Who do you think, Jake? Who do you think?"
His face turned red. "Oh my god. Oh my god." The tears got bigger, and I could feel them dripping onto his shirt. "Catherine.. did you..."
He never finished that sentence. I nodded. His eyes got big, and he started to cry harder. "God, Catherine! Why? Why the hell?" I shook my head.
"It's too complicated."
His expression became hard. "Shut up. I don't want you to tell me that. Of course it's complicated!" He was stuttering. "How could it not be complicated?" He stared, waiting for a response.
"So... you want me to tell you why I cut myself."
He shook his head. "Not here." He stood up. "Let's go, Catherine. Let's go home."
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,826 Reviews
Holly McGuinness signing in for a review!
It was a good story.
I don't really understand the format of the story though.
I feel that a bit more character description would have let me feel more sympathy towards the girl and her boyfriend.
I feel like there was a bit to much emotion in the story and could use a bit more description.
The title really tied into the story.
I was a bit shocked when I found out what happened to her. I understand that you wanted it to be a shock but a bit of a warning would have been nice.
It was a tad short and a few extra parts wouldn't hurt anyone.
Just work on your writing/story and it will be a great story!
I liked it because it was straight to the point, but there was hardly any detail in it. You kept stating that she was crying, and I would expect that, but you didn't really go too much into detail about the girl (her expressions, her appearance at the time, etc.) that would make me feel REALLY sorry for her. It's definitely a touchy subject for some, but I think you should add more emotion.
I really did not expect her to be the one cutting herself, so the plot twist when he finally figured it out was great. He had a very realistic response.
Hope to see more of your works posted!
Wow, this really hit home.
This is a very touching piece of flashfiction. It tells a story in an instant, and is well written.
You did very well on the point of view, and the way she hides it is realistic. The boyfriend is serious, and his reaction when he finds out seems realistic as well.
I normally feel like things like this should be expanded on, but, unfortunately, I don't think that can apply to this piece.
It fits very much in a short read, and it was interesting... but nothing stands out about it to me.
Yeah, she cut herself, yeah her boyfriend found out...
But in a short story, you have to do more than create emotion... you have to create emotion from the reader for the character. I, as the reader, am sad that she's depressed, but it doesn't really effect me in any way. I don't care about her, I am sad that she struggles.
So, if that was your intention, just to illustrate a moment of pain, good job. But it's the characters pain, a good writer turns the pain of the character into the pain of the reader. If you wish to do that, consider what I've said.
Overall, good job.
Authorian
I was reading the review below and realized that this is your first piece. I apoligize if I was over critical, and I hope that what I said helps! By the way, you can look up articles online about showing, not telling. Sorry if I was a bit mean!
Thank you so much! I was intending this to be short and just to show a small moment of pain (I wrote this in school fairly quickly) and I will put your feedback into the story when I have more time! I really appreciate your feedback!
I felt that you are telling a bit too much about what the characters are feeling. You are telling us that the tears came out of her eyes and she couldn't stop them but you are not showing us. You are telling me about a scene being played out not showing and that is the problem I think. I don't feel connected and when the story ends I don't feel as if hanging off a cliff, it's more like -whatever. I think you are trying too hard to get the reader to empathize rather you should pay more attention to your storytelling and make it compelling. You tell us that they are dating for a year but the chemistry isn't there, they seem detached.
That is the only thing I think can be worked upon.
I felt that you are telling a bit too much about what the characters are feeling. You are telling us that the tears came out of her eyes and she couldn't stop them but you are not showing us. You are telling me about a scene being played out not showing and that is the problem I think. I don't feel connected and when the story ends I don't feel as if hanging off a cliff, it's more like -whatever. I think you are trying too hard to get the reader to empathize rather you should pay more attention to your storytelling and make it compelling. You tell us that they are dating for a year but the chemistry isn't there, they seem detached.
That is the only thing I think can be worked upon.
Thank you so much for the feedback! I wrote this fairly quickly (I was in school when I wrote this), and I didn't have the time to make it more like showing and less like telling. When I have more time, I will implement your feedback and try to make my story better!
I liked this little short.
And I adore the abrupt ending.
Didn't mean to do that twice. Whoops
Thank you so much! This was my first piece of writing, so I'm really happy someone likes it!
I liked this little short.
And I adore the abrupt ending.
Hi, hello.
So my first impression on this was that is was a little short... But I guess I feel like this could use another part or two. Or maybe it's just meant to be like this.
Anyways, you did a marvelous job with emotion. It was intense, but short and you could tell how hurt and confused they both were.
My only suggestion is a little bit of imagery - where exactly are they? What's going on around them? You got the emotion down spot on, but description on their surroundings could be explained more.
I have one nitpick:
I don't exactly understand how a heart can thump a mile...? I understand the message you're getting across - it's thumping fast, but maybe you could word it a little differently?
That was really all.
This was a nice, quick read. I would really like to know what happens between the two of them and Catherine's reason to cut.
Awesome job, keep writing!
~ EternalRain ^.^
Oh. Whoops 0.o
Thank you for reviewing! I've seen the "mile a minute" thing used in books, so I thought I might use it here //^^ And I did mean it to be short... I didn't have much time to write, so I wanted to make it really short. Thank you again for reviewing and I appreciate the feedback!
Oh, I see. I guess it could be used.
And you are welcome!
Great job conveying the image of the boyfriend wondering, first, who hurt his girlfriend, but then finding out and being confused. Also, I really liked how you painted the image of the girl was is also scared and ashamed at the same time, because she don't want him to know. The emotions were very real and intense in this short story, and I really felt as though I was there watching this whole thing unfold.
I honestly cannot find much wrong with it, only thing I would change (and this is probably the most insignificant nitpick ever!) would be to put "I shook my head" right before " 'It's too complicated' ". (I told you it was the smallest nitpick ever!
Overall great great great piece that I really enjoyed reading!
Keep Writing!
-Zanda
Thank you so much for reviewing! This was my first story, and I appreciate the feedback!